h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You could at lest say hello when you are online I am usually about.

Found out yesterday that my brother and Alison are expecting again. Mixed emotions about that one...

Give me a call.

Lilly

Hmmn... is this the cause of the downs within your ups and downs? How is your Bro? Not heard you speak of him other than in a positive 'nuclear family' kind of way for the last couple of years.

definately one of the downs.

Just finding it hard to fight. L has been a great distraction and it is helping fill in some gaps. ( I got an email from her brother in Aussie yesterday)

Just tired and edgy, nothing has really changed in the sceme of things.

Maybe i need even more meds

Maybe you need to take a few of those positive things around you (of which there seem to be quite a few at the moment) and instead of using them as 'just a distraction', use them as a spur to ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING!!!

I don't mean 'do something about', i mean do something. Doing something about a, b or c is important yes, but it's not the main thing. The shit in your life is shit, and yeah, once you start engaging with it, dealing with it or fighting it, life might be a bit better. But the key to making your life ok, is having a life where you do smart stuff as well as have shit stuff happen.

It strikes me that you have a great excuse and opportunity to broaden your range of good times. Use L. and the associated highs to get yourself out in the world, in people's lives and having a larf. Sure it might only be a small bit of the world, a select few people's lives and it might be a slightly reluctant and overly cynical laugh, but they're the ingredients to a satisfying life. A life where there's some good times as well as the arse.

That sounds like me getting told off.

Thats why I have probably decided to spend a month with my folks. Knowing that I have a couple of places to go to when i am there, means i will feel less suffocated and trapped hopefully. Will have my cats, so some comfort too. of course, I will hopefully be able to meet up with L a couple of times too.
Surely that counts as acting on stuff. I have nothing else left to try.

My work has been my life since i moved to edinburgh. It has taken this long off work to strip away everything so that now i am left with the stuff i need to face head on. I am sure you think i have just blanked the days away, and alot of the time i have, but it has also left me with no clutter and a chance to see how i feel about stuff without them being reactionary emotions.

""Sure it might only be a small bit of the world, a select few people's lives and it might be a slightly reluctant and overly cynical laugh, but they're the ingredients to a satisfying life.""

Are they? Or are they just ways back to being a person who can bury pain so deep, they need to scar the outside of their body, a person, who, if stood still for 10 minutes - and not filling their life with acheivement, goal, aim, anything at all, can't stand the emptiness swelling inside.
Plus the many other things that are part of being able to live that 'satisfying life'?

I know what you say has truth, but the danger is that i make life built on hidden fears. I have to exorcise those bloody demons or i will simply give them a knew place to hide. I have done that once already. This time I won't.
Going back to my parents will give me time to see if i am able to look forward beyond some painful therapy to a future.

Anyway - said more than i was going to.

Let me know what's going on with M

Lilly

No, not getting told off at all! I'm just trying to encourage you to do what you obviously want to do and constantly allude to behind your wall of doom!

Facing stuff head on is all very well, but you can't live by bread alone mate, you all work and no play, &c (i wouldn't know a cliche if it was handed so me on a plattitude), you got to have a few positive emotions or none of the negative ones make any sence - and vice versa, you can't say "I'm not going to have any positive experiences, in fact i'm going to avoid good times altogether, until my life improves - only after that will i allow myself to start having a good time". It don't make sence mate.

I realise what your saying really - but it's going to be easier to deal with the shitty things in your life if you've got some good things going on too. That's just the way of it. Honestly. Trust me i'm a docker.



"what's going on with M"

Nothing apparently.

""you got to have a few positive emotions or none of the negative ones make any sence - and vice versa, you can't say "I'm not going to have any positive experiences, in fact i'm going to avoid good times altogether""

Exactly!! that is why i shy away from exposing myself to positive emotion - so the negative ones don't make any sense - I don't want them to be anything. Staus Quo - a dead an empty one, but still a status quo.

However, I feel this is a late night of a beer kind of chat and you moaning about how much i drink!

Sorry about M. Although, I think you were just waiting for it to happen. At least that was the impression you gave me.

And listen 'mate'. Don't call me mate!!

Lilly

>>Exactly!! that is why i shy away from exposing myself to positive emotion - so the negative ones don't make any sense<<

I hate to say this here (within the Guide*) but you need to have the good times to give you a sense of perspective.



* See chapter 11 of Restaraunt ant the end of the Universe.

perhaps you should take a look at my group - the suicide thread - explains alot

Alright?

Yeah, but no, but yeah, but no.

Right...

Spiggy up and down so no idea when I can get back. Need to see if he gets better or if this is ongoing - in which case I want to be near work as they know us both and the situation etc.

He is bright in himself, but that is cos he doesn't get happy pills anymore. He is a little monster at times - bless him!

There is a Scot meet up on the 28th Feb, could you come up for that?

Any news about M?

L just emailed me and we are still getting on fine. Want to get to know her and meet her but that could ruin the relationship. At least it is safe while we don't meet.

OK I can't think of anymore to reply to "Yeah, but no, but yeah, but no."

"He is bright in himself, but that is cos he doesn't get happy pills anymore."

I mean because he isn't zonked out by them. Chewed a massive hole in his leg though...

Look at me using the site again. Erratically, but using it.

How are you?

Coo-ee.

I've gone back to school! I've just got a room in halls and it's got internet access and everything - wow! Not that i really have time to use it for lesure purposes.

I'm at UEA, Norwich and the accomodation is fab. Stacks of glass fronted concrete bunkers overlooking the broads, it really is great. Better than living in a shared house as i was until recently. (I'm only here a few days a week but it's still a mare to have a box room and no room in the kitchen.)

How's you?

Howdy. You still around?

aye - on and off.