Journal Entries
mental note
Posted Dec 8, 2011
washing up liquid and evaporated milk 
and 
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Latest reply: Dec 8, 2011
a terrible quietness
Posted Nov 5, 2011
The morning after Carnival. Used to be on a Friday, what was known a Black Friday. Town would be relatively quiet, the kids got a day off school, or going was optional, some people got the day off work
There would be people lying in, or just going to bed, or nursing sore heads. Morning after carnival is quiet or at least slow to start shall we say...
Today it is quiet here, I can't speak for town itself I speak for here where there is a backround hum of the motorway and it is backround, it is not a sound that intrudes on me
Today there is no backround hum, the motorway is deathly quiet because of the horrific accident on the M5
It is a terrible quiet
I do not know what else to say
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Latest reply: Nov 5, 2011
Detangling
Posted Oct 30, 2011
I keep waking at 4.30, I don't mind really so much, I like the light in the mornings and when I have to share a computer it is always free that time of the morning.
On Friday morning I was here and I suddenly realised that huge tears were rolling down my face, very mcuh to my surprise. I have hormones but generally they exaggerate feelings that I have, not totally invent them. I realised that I was crying about here
It dawned on me that for months quite a lot of my interaction with here has been negative and I have got a point where I have to reassess my relationship with this place.
This I am confused about, I don't want to leave, I am still unsure how far into 
dom I want to retreat back into. I have formed relationships here over the last 8 months, a couple of close ones and more casual ones, all are important to me and that means a total retreat is off the table.
In all my wisdom, it has come down I must stop caring about this as a site, ditch my ideas about this site as a community because herein lies the source of my unhappiness and frustration
I have deep concerns and many misgivings about the ownership structure of this site, in short I feel that we are community owned not a community empowered and it bothers me. NTM said something to me before we left the BBC along the lines of this isn't community ownership it is a club.
I felt unable to say so at the time that I agreed, it is partly why I quit the mod board. We are all member of this club but there is an elite, well intentioned for the most part, of that I have no doubt but an elite none the less. Processes are top down not bottom up, more so on the community side that the writing of the guide side I think. The strutural framwork of this site is still unknown to the community because it has yet to be explained in any detail but from the little that I know I feel that 'the community is grossly underepresented.
Even now it feels disloyal, ungrateful and somewhat unnecessary to say this here, sometimes it is better to keep your thoughts to yourself.
I know the tools are carp at the moment, I know that people are working hard, I know that people are going to think give it a chance to settle but I also know that everything that I feared about structures, processes and moderation months ago are playing out now and I feel able not to say that at all. Niether do I think that it of any use to make a issue of it, what the point, whatever I do or say at this time will not make a difference I might as well just let it play out and try find the distance not to care about it.
I can't just stop caring, no doubt this a weaning process, let the detangling begin.
I am sad, disappointed, all those feelings that go with a loss. I am still trying to work out what I feel I have lost, is good, I am not losing my friends, it is something to do with belonging, I wanted to belong here, as a reseacher and a volunteer but I don't feel that connection. I am a user of this site, a visitor and I am begining to get my head round that
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Latest reply: Oct 30, 2011
I am
Posted Oct 27, 2011
I am someone who trolls, engages in vicious slanging matches and mobs people, I don't know what to do with those comments, I am just so upset.
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Latest reply: Oct 27, 2011
rude words
Posted Oct 26, 2011
I am about to test the filther for something, so look away now if this type of thing offends you
Discuss this Journal entry [27]
Latest reply: Oct 26, 2011
Peanut
Researcher U180314
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