Journal Entries
A quick note
Posted Feb 10, 2016
Hello
I have been really quite unwell, seem to be going round the block a bit and ending up in breakdown alley.
I withdrew from a lot of places and a lot of people, just because I couldn't interact and still struggle interacting. I don't even know if my email accounts are still operational....
As my time away became longer, I didn't know how to bridge the gulf and come back.
I am very sorry for that.
I am just leaving this note here for now and will check in again this afternoon
love, and a pot of Perculiar 
Peanut xx
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Latest reply: Feb 10, 2016
Can dare to a little excited
Posted Mar 19, 2015
I am going to have an informal chat next week to a couple of people about some supportive employment.
It is part time 2 days a week and a couple of hours paid training. I was so excited at this prospect but tempered with a haunting thought that the hours would not be enough to pay the rent and bills.
In the worst case scenario I don't appear to be worse off but it is tight, I am going to ask about transport costs as my support worker said they could help with that and it would make a big difference as everything is so marginal
In the best case scenario I could be substantially better off which would be fab but call me pessimistic if you must I am working on the worst case beause that is how things generally work for me.
This is ok, this more than ok, I just so want to work, to get back to a normal life of which work is a really important part, not just for the money for me.
So the placement isn't a dead cert but it is within my grasp and I wanted to grab for it and I can and that has made me very happy.
Discuss this Journal entry [29]
Latest reply: Mar 19, 2015
obs
Posted Sep 14, 2014
I am taking a little break from the barn owl forum but want somewhere to keep my notes this seems a good place to do it.
It will be dull.
14/09/14
Still moulting. Fresh pellets. Owl looking good if a little tatty still. Pesky fly also in residence
Can hear noises outside and on the box. Hope this is another owl but think it could to be a magpie, as I can hear them very close and regular crow/magpie yell offs. It is a larger bird outside though 
please be another owl. Could be as I am not hearing flapping, just clonking footsteps and crows and magpies are flappy and owls are not. Only hear them land.
Everytime I hear them near the entrance my heart goes a bit flappy, excitement is this his partner returning, or a new 
,and anxiety is it a competitor, other owl or otherwise.
Keeping an eye on tails, as a tail shot two days ago made me question is it the same owl in the box all the time. Pic quality very poor, no colour, lighting and moulting make it too hard to call
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Latest reply: Sep 14, 2014
Bloody hell, kittens
Posted Aug 23, 2014
Well they are still here, stirring up merry hell, aww bless
and tonight one of them has come in with their own tea but hadn't shown much of an inclination to eat it, however the other one has taken up the slack
thing is, I have me own late night tea good to go, in the microwave
also have decluttered like there is no tomorrow, steam mopped, even the painting is as good as done, there is hardly any washing up tomorrow, and Dr Who was 
there is just now the pressing issue of, er, 
splatter, to be dealing with, I don't wanna look, why can't they just play outside 
does anyone think I can make it to the microwave and back...
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Latest reply: Aug 23, 2014
When enough is enough
Posted Aug 11, 2014
For me that time came when the wind blew the blind and an ornament fell of the window sill. My response was not the normal one of 'oh no' , my heart sank and my stomach churned at the trouble this would cause for you if it had broken.
It hadn't but I nearly smashed it then. How on earth did we get to this, when we have this constant stress off making sure everything is just so, and we accept so much that is not right because you ask us too
You brought that house mostly because you loved the kitchen and the lovely big table in which you could imagine your children and grand children sitting around and you would be still the heart of our family.
Less and less we sit around that table because it is stressful to be in your house, we are always on edge and for a while I can't do it anymore because I just can't bear it.
I saw you fretting and flinching at the same window sill and my heart broke 
I am not cutting you out of my life, but I am changing how I want you to be in it. I want to spend time with you doing things we enjoy and this we can do without your partner.
So I am not making you choose but you have to understand that I'm having to make this decision as a result of your choices.
I will be there when you *really* need me, for practical and emotional support, but I will do nothing to enable this situation.
Now I have the time from the intense situation of being the 'support worker' for both of you and am looking at things from a different perspective, I see how your reliance on me has set in and also how narrow your perspective is.
I want to be the daughter you can rely and depend on but not at this cost. I am angry that this is being taken away from me, I see you getting older and frailer and while you may still outlive me yet, time is precious.
I have to work out a way to tell you, and I am determined not to say sorry once because I have nothing to be sorry for. I am sorrowful and my eyes are leaking.
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Latest reply: Aug 11, 2014
Peanut
Researcher U180314
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