h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi
I saw your post at the Asperger's page.
I'm a 46 y.o. mum with a son {age 8} who has Aspergers.
I'd be delighted to chat with you about it, or anything else.
Just click the reply button, and I'll return, or click on my name & you can chat on my page.

Hello, Archangel (if I may call you by your first name..) How is your son? It must be very difficult for you as few people know much of anything about disabilities, let alone this particular one. I suspect my nephew has Aspergers, tho' I haven't seen him since he was 18 months, because they live at the opposite end of the country. I actually like him a lot, and find him very appealing, as I find many of the people I work with, who are mostly teens. What is it like for you, and your son? I believe (think I came across it in Howlin's book, or Simon Baron-Cohen's article in a recent New Scientist), that people with Aspergers are usually very intelligent.( Though people with autism are much more variable.)Well, I'd love you to be in touch.
Della

Hello, Archangel (if I may call you by your first name..) How is your son? It must be very difficult for you as few people know much of anything about disabilities, let alone this particular one. I suspect my nephew has Aspergers, tho' I haven't seen him since he was 18 months, because they live at the opposite end of the country. I actually like him a lot, and find him very appealing, as I find many of the people I work with, who are mostly teens. What is it like for you, and your son? I believe (think I came across it in Howlin's book, or Simon Baron-Cohen's article in a recent New Scientist), that people with Aspergers are usually very intelligent.( Though people with autism are much more variable.)Well, I'd love you to be in touch.
Della

Hi Della,
Please call me GB, as Archangel is my title
It's hard for me to look on the bright side with Andrew as I have many more bad times than good.
He is very obsessive {he is also mildly autistic} and as there is just the two of us...he actually drove my teenage son out.
The only break I get is a respite day/night, once a month, paid for by social services.
I live on DLA and ICA, I can manage during school term-time because I put him in the school transport {his school is in the next town} at about 8:15 then I can relax until approx. 3:15, then it's like all Hell breaks loose.

He is well-behaved at school though.
Which totally perplexes me.
He eats all his school dinner, but at home he is so faddy.
Toast...edges must be cut off BEFORE being buttered. Not one bit of burn, or else he dumps it in the bin.
Pink fromage frais - the red & yellow pots get dumped {although I usually eat them as I hate waste}.
He likes the Pokemon cereal - but he will painstakingly remove all the marshmallow pieces.
Then raid my bag of marshmallows.....
He is a I find my jewellery, make-up, pens etc., anything that is *mine* under his bed, hidden in cupboards, etc.
When I ask him about this, he flatly denies taking them, he blames it on my grandson yet he rarely visits and never goes in my bedroom.
Andrew will make me something at school, then when he is mad at me for something else, he will destroy the thing he made me.
He goes beserk in shops if I will not get him everything he demands, so I am virtually housebound during the school holidays.
I do take him out, but he always gets upset at something and screams abuse at me even though it is not my fault.
He thinks nothing of laying into me, attacking me with no provocation.
I can be sat at the computer and he will run in and strike me on my head, then run away.
Sometimes I am afraid of what he is capable of, what if he got a kitchen knife in the night and attacked me in my sleep, so I never dare go to bed while he is still awake.
At least he does sleep through the night and my body clock is so finely tuned that I only hear the slightest sound and I am awake.
Luckily he is his most congenial in the mornings. He can be quite loving when he wants. But I think he is *playing* me, turning on the affection to make me love him....if you understand what I mean.
He looks at me sometimes like he knows just what to do...
The school tell me he goes on school trips and behaves impeccably.
Sometimes I feel so stupid, and wonder if they think I am making up his bad behaviour, but his first teacher {from the Autistic provision} visits me at home at least twice a year and she takes notes of everything I say.
I only managed to get his hair cut because they had a special lesson about why people have to have haircuts.
He will not let me trim his nails.
He will not have his hair washed...although he likes to be clean everywhere else.
I look at him and wonder how on earth I am going to cope when he is a teenager, when testosterone has kicked in
He has no contact with his father, even though he lives in the same town.
Since I have been reading up on Asperger's, and finding out things from other people, I strongly suspect that Andrew's dad has APD {Antisocial Personality Disorder} - it would certainly explain a lot.

I wouldn't let Andrew go to his father now, even if he made contact.
I just don't trust him.
My older kids are good with Andrew, but they can only take him in small doses.
The worst thing for me is this awesome responsibility of bringing him up alone, and worrying about whether I am doing the best for him.
Thank for listening

~AGB~

Hello GB, it sounds truly horrible for you! I have a 14 year old son, with no disabilities (I am also on my own) and I often feel like kicking his teeth down his throat. It must be so much harder for you!
Kids can behave so differently at school from what they do at home, you must sometimes feel as if it's all slightly unreal, with no validation.
It's all very well for me to say this, (make recommendations) but a great book I just read, is by Patricia Howlin, it's called 'Children with Autism and Aspergers Syndrome', it's written in the UK, which is rare, most books in that line we get here, are American. You probably know Howlin's book, but if you don't, try it, it's got a lot of good strategies in it.
I need a few strategies myself, for managing BOYS, when my family of origin was full of girls, and to us, boys were little aliens and the ones at school were mostly bullies! Problem is,anything Leon does that's -ve, I put that down to his being a BOY. (I forget that girls can be bad, as well.)
Tell me about your other child(ren)? You did say grandchildren, didn't you?
We're going to eat soon, and on the way, I'll look for Simon Baron-Cohen's article. I understand that you are having a trying(and that's putting it mildly) time. You must really value respite care! I'm sorry that you are having to handle it on your own, and ifI suggest a lock for your bedroom door, no doubt you've tried that and he went off on you and screamt in a scary way. But if not, try it. (A lock for his door - not such a good idea, especially in the event of fire..)
Best wishes, GB, I'dlove to keep in touch. Della.

STOP PRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!! I found it, Simon Baron-Cohen's article on Asperger's syndrome, is: in New Scientist 14 April 2001, beginning on p (appropriately) 42.
He lists characteristics and I am wondering if he himself, is on the continuum... like my nephew, he doesn't meet anyone's eye in the accompanying photos.. Check it out!

Thanks!
I will check out the article & the Hamlin book.
I have 3 older kids from my marriage {different dad to Andrew}.
2 girls & a boy, they have all left home.
The older girl is married with a son of her own.
My grandson is 4 nearly 5 & just started school at Easter.
He's such a sweetie.

This coming Friday is my respite night.
Can't wait

I hope Friday was good for you... There are other books too, but I don't know what's available in the U.K., probably more and better than we have here, to be honest.. The people with Aspergers I work with, are all older than Andrew,none of the ones I am currently working with display challenging behaviours (at least not at the school they attend) so it's easier for me - I am dealing at the moment with one woman's depression, she's just turned 20 and upset abt relationships - the lack of one. I can't helpthere, I am NO rolemodel!

Oh, I had the best night
My ex-boyfriend took me out {I thought as friends} and he asked me to get back together with him, so we're giving it another shot.

I'm very happy at the moment...
~looks round for some wood to touch~

That's wonderful news, I am so happy for you. I haven't had one of those (a boyfriend) for yonks, and it's funny, I have noticed that there are huge numbers of women in their 40s who are on their own with children. (Mainly boys, which is supposedly very bad for boys. I have found that it is hard bringing up boys on one's own, regardless of their gifts and/or deficits...) My friend Anni has a son with ADHD, and we did a seminar together at Teachers' College on autism/aspergers/ADHD. I have two sons, one just married and both are very clever, but as someone with sisters (only one much younger brother) I find it hard to understand "boy".
I hope your relationship continues happily for you both!

Two weeks on and it seems to be going well.
Steve has a problem with how Andrew behaves when we are out in public, so I told him to treat Andrew how he would his own.
Since then things are settling down.
I'm not expecting it all to be plain-sailing, but moments like when Steve hoisted Andrew onto his shoulders so he could watch the carnival last Saurday, and last night when Andrew said goodnight & he went to give Steve a, make my heart turn over.

Hello, GB - I am so glad it all seems to be going very well for you.. It is important that Steve is accepting of Andrew - many men find it hard to accept a child at all, not to mention one with difficulties! That Andrew likes Steve (or is beginning to) is even more important. I really hope things continue to just get better and better!

We didn't have a good day today.
Steve took us shopping, and it was
Andrew played up so much.
Steve ended up shouting at him, and I wanted to curl up and die.

I'm sorry things went bad, but I am sure that was just one day .. I think there'd possibly be a problem even without Andrew's special needs. I just hope everything gets back on track - greet Andrew for me - not that I suppose that would mean anything to him, but anyway.. Blessyou both.

Hi
I just found this thread!
I thought I'd let you know that things didn't work out, Steve met someone else & I've been on my own since.
I can't even work up the enthusiasm to try to meet anyone now.

I've just had a four-week session of family therapy, strangely enough I thought it would be teaching Andrew to behave better but it wasn't, it was teaching me how to cope with his bad behaviour.

We have progressed though, with a behaviour book mainly.
And I am waiting to start a STEPS course.
Andrew is going to Cubs now and has already got 5 badges which I've sewn on his jumper.
He's the first Cub with special needs in the history of his pack
I am trying to give him a taste of the outside world - and hope he likes it.
I don't want him dependant on me for the rest of my life!
Besides, he will outlive me by a long way, I was almost 38 when he was born.

At the moment he's obsessed with making lists...

I am so sorry to hear about Steve.. bad cess to him! From my experience of being a solo mother as the term is here,I think it's at least as likely that it would have happened anyway, as that Andrew was the reason... I know how you feel about not being bothered tolook for anyone else. Why do women in their 40s end up on their own? Most seem to..
How's Andrew getting on at Sprouts? It's great that he is doing well (and he is doing well, 5 badges..)
The special needs students I have been working with, had their graduation last week,Jim and I went and had a wonderful time, we sat with one woman Callie, who has Aspergers, her obsession is science fiction television and anime, and Jim's equally keen on these things.. he and Callie get on well, tho' she's 7 years older than him..
It's serendipitous that therapy for Andrew benefitted you so well!

Cubs has finished now till Jan 10th, his last night there was he spent most of the time locked in the toilet. He thought it was funny that everyone was trying to get him out by banging on the door and shouting at him to unlock it.

I told them to leave him alone and he would come out on his own, but no....


I wrote an entry on the behaviour points the family therapist picked up on and put it into Peer Review.
Considering the comments, I've now deleted it.

I was asked to write an entry on the family therapy, and write it from a personal experience, but it may take me a while.

Andrew is *such* hard work.
I am so exhausted, I can't imagine coping with him in 10 years time . Aside from the fact that I'll be 10 years older

I just bought myself "One for my baby" by Tony Parsons, it's about a man who falls in love with a woman who has a difficult child.
I'll let you know just *how* difficult when I'm into it more...and whether any of my numerous exes could have written it...

Yes, I'd like to know about it.. I have a penfriend in Liverpool, whose son has very severe disabilities, and he and his family are very close - he is devoted to Mark, and sadly, he is an exception! In many,perhaps most cases, the birth of a child with special needs results in the father leaving. (This isn't sexist, it's sadly true) I remind myself of Tom, when I feel depressed about this sort of thing, and a man called Cliff, who fathered two intellectually disabled children.. his *wife* left, and he's brought his children up on his own on a DPB for 35 years.
I decided on a Christmas present for my older son today, the book 'Cat Haiku', do you know of it?
Is Andrew very verbal? My friend Callie I mentioned, writes long diary entries and a brilliant short story series I read over her shoulder one day! She's brilliant, she's Callie... (Her parents split, they're American, her mother and brother moved to Canada with Callie, they met Callie's NZ step-father David and came here. David is a really nice guy...)
Give my regards to Andrew...

Is Andrew verbal?

Yes, he has verbal diarreah...
His father has *nothing* to do with him, I mean, no birthday card or Christmaseven.
Never sees him, hard to understand.

Hard for me to explain to Andrew.

I am still waiting to meet that "special" guy who will want me and Andrew, it's so insulting that people can't even make the effort.
I've never met a devoted father of a handicapped child.
My last boyfriend told me that he didn't want Andrew. He was quite happy to see me, as and when *he* wanted to see me.


Yet another wedding announced here today....well I'm glad someone's happy!

I think I'll go stick my head in a bucket.

Yeah, it is insulting! I sometimes comfort myself with the knowledge that women as diverse as Jeri Ryan, Cher, Stevie Nicks and Kate Mulgrew are on their own as well.. JR, and KM are both on their own with children... oops, Kate Mulgrew just got married!(To a politician, I believe. Lucky woman, she's 40+, so it can be done).
The last boyfriend I had was in 1995 (he's still around on the fringes, but he has issues) and I have a penfriend who might have been more interested, but that feminism threatens him. Things men don't like: successful women, women over 25 y.o., women with children, feminist women, and pity help a woman who's all four, or even three out of four! Great self-pity time! In NZ, there was recently the umpeenth case of a 'step-father' killing his new girlfriend's children, and a guy on the radio expressed that women should have the "courage" to stay out of all relationships until their children are grown up! Cheek of him! Would he do likewise, if he was on his own with children? No, and no one would expect him to..
Ah, well, let's be celibate and tell men that they must value us and our children as they expect to be valued, before we give them the time of day!