h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I do not know why I feel spent,
Too weary, it seems, to pay rent.
If homeless I be,
I'll move in with thee,
Although I am wicked and bent.

I'm covered with green, slimy mold,
Amd waiting for soeone to hold.
Each time that I cough
My fingers fall off.
Apart from that, I'm good as gold.

I've never been prized for my beauty.
I'm one who will just do his duty.
I cherish my kin,
Through thick and through thin,
Except for one aunt who is fruity.

I don't know what came over me.
I put too much salt in my tea.
My dad said, "You're crazy."
My sis said I'm lazy.
My mother said, "Just let it be."

If sharks walked on legs on the earth,
We'd give them a very wide berth.
"Obey us," they'd say,
We must get our own way.
Abusing you gives us great mirth."

A millionaire's handing out money.
I know this must sound kind of funny.
He gave me a check.
I said, "What the heck,
Today will seem really quite sunny."

I yearn for a life on the sea.
A life of adventure's for me.
I bought a fine yacht.
It cost quite a lot.
It's spacious (surprising to me!).

What happens with Christmas this year?
Ol' Santa's not coming, I fear.
He won't wear a mask,
And no one will ask.
Will he quarantine the reindeer?

I think I shall hunt for a rabbit.
This isn't my usual habit.
With carrots for bait,
I shan't have long to wait.
As soon as it comes, I shall nab it!

I think I shall go for a drive.
I'm leaving no later than five.
I'll take some back roads,
And visit some toads.
They'll croak at me when I arrive

I'd like it if we got together,
If only to ponder the weather,
The clouds and the fog,
My nephew's new dog,
And why your hat sports a fine feather.

I cannot abide Mrs. Keeffe.
Her grooming defies all belief.
Her teeth are half black,
She's a hump on her back.
Her breath always smells like old beef.

A bakery shop in El Dorado
Makes muffins that look like the Prado.
Their bagel's design
Looks like Gertrude Stein,
Or maybe it's just the Mikado.

I think I shall swim to Capri,
And dance there with Mother MacCree.
I'll probably samba
And warble "La Bamba,"
Proposing to Cher on my knee.