h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Paulh stood in the doorway of the Great Hall of Rivendell and gaped. The hall was empty except for an extremely fat woman with pointed ears and a snub nose, who was playing chess with an emaciated crone at a small table.

"Excuse me, ladies, could you tell me where I might find Elrond and Galadriel?" he asked timidly.

"Elrond's gone. I'm Galadriel," the fat woman said with amusement.
"I can tell you expected someone more like the Tolkien version."

"Well....yes."

"Tolkien lied," the fat woman continued. "The truth wouldn't have sold many copies of his books, would it? This here's Golla, Gollum's sister," she added, indicating the thin woman. Gollum's in back playing dungeons and dragons with Frodo."

"But didn't Gollum die in the fires of Mount Doom?" Paulh objected.

"In a word, no. Mount Doom was the nickname for Mordor's incinerator.
It produced steam heat for all of Mordor. Frodo and Gollum quarrelled
over a ring. Tolkien heard that Frodo had given Gollum the finger, and he took it literally. Go in back and see for yourself. Frodo's got all his fingers and Gollum's still alive and kicking."

"And I've got Gollum's ring," Golla said, holding it up for all to see. "It's my wedding ring. I used it when I married Sauron."

"You..... m-m-married Sauron?" Paulh stammered.

"Of course! He's a great guy when you get to know him," Golla explained. "He was a one-eyed freak, so Tolkien made him out to be a
villain -- freaks are almost always villains in stories; look at Quasimodo, the Giant in the beanstalk, Homer's cyclopses. Anyway, it's not like there were many other guys to choose from. Practically all the eligible bachelors died in that war..."

"Middle Earth is run by women now, love," Galadriel said. "If you want a wife, there are tens of thousands to choose from." She scrutinized Paulh intently. "Now that Elrond's run off with Gandalf's pretty daughter, I'm available.Whaddaya say to marrying me and being Lord of Rivendell?"

Paulh thought about getting a hernia from carrying her across the threshold, and fainted.

[Amy P]

Revisionism. I love it.

I'm waiting to see what our resident Tolkien fan will make of it.