Journal Entries
feeling better now
Posted Jul 17, 2003
Sort of. Maybe. More like put into prospective. Thank you.
Of course the longer I wait for something the feeling escalates. No self analyzing.
Hhmm... okay this is a truth though. My frustration stems from general frustration at myself. I know. I know. I should do something about it. But, I ask you, what will I have to complain about??? 
I should really learn to use more of those smiley things.
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Latest reply: Jul 17, 2003
argh.
Posted Jul 17, 2003
you know it's mindbogglingly frustrating to have to wait for things!!!!
Frustration is a word that encompasses so many things. Just arrrggghhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Latest reply: Jul 17, 2003
eat the grass
Posted Jul 17, 2003
The natural abiding
Don’t do anything whatsoever with the mind.
Abide in an authentic, natural state.
One’s own mind, unwavering, is reality.
The key is to meditate like this
Without wavering;
Experience the great reality beyond extremes.
- Niguma
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Latest reply: Jul 17, 2003
waiting for Greta Garbo
Posted Jul 17, 2003
I'm sitting here waiting. I'm also in the mood to go out and dance and have a couple of overly expensive drinks. Kiss strangers and just dance. Of course there is no one to do this with. I'm on vacation and everyone is safely tucked in sleeping to ready themselves for working tomorrow. My timing as always is impeccable. I'm positive I'm the punch line of some cosmic joke. I'm not laughing.
I also have this strange idea that my ex boyfriend would be here waiting for me so that we could go out and just have fun. He's not because I screwed him over and he lives in another city. I think. No one has heard from him in about a year.
I hate waiting. I don't care if hate is a harsh word. I don't want to be positive. I don't want to waste my time anymore.
This is part of the slow decline closer to the edge. Intense rage. But by the time I'm done posting this I'll be fine. Maybe I just need to watch some mindless tv.
Right now there is only one person keeping me sane. Or sane as I'll ever be for now.
Otherwise I'd be out there by myself yelling and screaming and generally causing a ruckus that might get me into a bit of trouble.
Oh and by the way if you're reading this. Yes it's you. I adore you.
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Latest reply: Jul 17, 2003
sitting on the edge
Posted Jul 15, 2003
I feel the edge getting very close. I'm slowly creeping towards a dark depression. It's like living on a slight incline and with every small movement I slide a bit closer to the bottom of it. I can close my eyes to it, but it doesn't help. I have some footholds. But it's not always enough. It often only delays the inevitable. I feel I'm in a catch 22. I know what is happening so therefore it is controllable, but because I know what is happening can it be real? Is this something that I'm just making happen or is it really happening? I also worry about whether I should just not fight it and let it take control and I might get over it or hasten the process to get it over sooner. I also wonder if I go to see someone about it whether it will be diagnosed or just a product of my imagination. I'm not sure what is worse. Having this real or being told I'm not really like this and to go home and smarten up. Curling up into a ball is of course another option.
But I'll have to wait until I get home from vacation. I can't let others see me.
Oh wait there could be someone reading this.
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah whatever.
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Latest reply: Jul 15, 2003
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Ram0na (seems that I've lost my sock againl)
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