h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Bob Wire and the Fencemenders have been possibly the most prolific songwriters since Barry Gibb and His Brothers, or whatever they're called. I'm not sure whether they're up there with Gary Shitter, of course, or Simon Arse and the Wailers, but then, who is?

*scratches head*

I'm not sure if that's sarcasm or not. In any case, I still don't know Oakey. Why don't you hum a few bars?

Yay, come on, Hunter, whistle us a bit of that old Oakey evergreen, "It Never Used To Be That Colour, Doctor"
or his magnum opus, "Fish and Chips"

You'll be pleased to hear that Oakey's new live album, "Pork Scratchings", has got a great review in Melody Maker.
It was recorded at "The Dog's Head", up in Oswaldtwistle, UK, and MM says: "Haunting and challenging. Like a ghost with boxing gloves on. Like Bob Seger's uncle's pet mouse on PCP, but tap-dancing."

Latest rumour: Oakey is set to recruit new members for the reformation of his erstwhile supergroup, Kit Mambo and the Ethereal Allstars.
Latest rumoured line-up: Guitar: J. Hendrix, Drums: That guy from Def Leppard's other arm, Shoo-be-Doo's: F. Sinatra

Auditions are allegedly being held in a darkened room in Birmingham.

I'm currently in negotiations with Gary Oakey as we speak. I'm trying to get him to record the soundtrack to my new movie idea, which I'm going to pitch to some big-bod movie execs at next year's Cannes festival. I'm about to start work on the script:

The film is going to be called Planet of the Drapes, and it's about an astronaut who, accidentally entering a dirty great big cloud in space, hurtles forward into the future and crashes onto an 'unknown' planet. What happens next is that our hero, Kurt Nogan, awakens (naturally, he's been unconcious since the crash) and, to his horror, he discovers that the planet is infested with curtains of various size and description. It's a post-apocalyptic nightmare - trees, rocks and ruins, all draped with velvet, cotton, silk and nylon curtains in an inanimate, but horrific way. The set of elegantly hung net curtains (Who Kurt assumes to be their leader) are hung, or rather, poised over a branch of a tree, and they figure greatly in the climax of the movie: As Kurt is walking around, wondering what else could possibly go wrong, a freak, but meteorologically sound gust of wind blows the net curtain onto his face. The film ends with him wrestling this 'thing' to the ground, shouting, 'Damn them!!! Damn them ALL TO HELL...!'

Admittedly, I'm having a great deal of difficulty writing this script, because as drapes are not alive, not much can happen as a result. However, on the positive side, the film budget wouldn't be that great; just enough to cover the cost of the curtains. Also, since the 'unknown' planet turns out to be Earth in the future, we wouldn't have to go and film on another planet, like they obviously had to in the recent Tim Burton epic, Planet of the Apes. (Any resemblance to my script in any way, shape or form is purely coincidental.)

Sounds great Hunter.

Who have you got lined up for the main roles?
I think Val Kilmer should play Nogan, as anything less wooden will only seem like a blur of motion, when pitted against the velvet hordes.
As for the problem of keeping the story flowing, due to the mute nature of curtains, I've thought of a simple, but visually stunning, (Some might say Tim Burton-esque)solution.

Essentially my idea is that you use thin wires to "hang" cardboard "speech" bubbles next to the curtains, in order to give a sense of progression and interaction to the proceedings.
An added benefit of this revolutionary technique would be that, by subtly altering the shape of the bubble to one resembling a "cloud", you could suggest some kind of internal dialogue. I think you'll agree, it's crazy, but just crazy enough for the Palme D'Or.
Naturally, I'll want a small credit, let's say, after the director's name at the end. And it has to be "Jazzmonkey the Great". Otherwise, it's no go. I have people queuing up for this technology, you know.
I have a letter here with Stanley Kubrick's name in it.
I'll show those petty sons-of-******* at "Film School"! Throw ME out for obscenity, will ya?

I can also envisage a heart-rending, rousing, stirring, audience-tear-inducing speech by Val to the members of the Ruling Council of Curtains, reasoning that "this crazy world is big enough for the both of us, dagnannit!", asking for an end to enmity: "Where's the Beef, Curtains?"

And I'd advise you not to shirk or blemish when it comes to the "controversial" Man/Fabric love scene. It's a dimension of the story that needs to be explored, and I think the public is now ready for some full-on crushed velvet friction.

Coincidentally, I have also been working on a treatment along similar themes, which is basically a titanic struggle between good and evil, revolving around the vilification of a prophetic Christ-like figure, who just happens to have been born into the form of one of those bits of material which hangs horizontally across the top of a window.
Naturally, He goes underground, joining up with an elite band of human freedom fighters, and eventually brings down the totalitarian Plushist state. So far, I'm calling it "Battle for the Pelmet of the Drapes".
Let me know what you think. Let's do lunch. But not in the nasty way.

By the way, do you have a phone number for Cinema Voice-Over Man?

"It was a time for heroes......"

Or Irene Cara?

By the way, I originally started off with a buddy movie about fruit, all CGI, budget of $450M, called Punnet of the Grapes.

I like your [good] idea about the love scene, but your others serve only to cheapen the whole 'motivation' of the film. I agree that the love scene, along with the close-up of some beef curtains will no doubt be crucial to the direction of what the film is trying to say; although not doubt it will be contraversial. I don't think we could get Kilmer to play Nogan, either - he would be horrified at the notion of simulating sex with what he would ultimately view as 'a sheet of material'.

Understandably so. The person that I see as my Kurt Nogan is someone who has the charisma of a leading man, but who also has the sensitivity to really imagine what it would be like to crash-land on a planet ruled by drapes. I was thinking more along the lines of Robert Powell, who played a similar role in Jesus of Nazareth. Sure, he's a bit older now, but as far as I'm concerned, true class never fades.

Why on earth would we be waiting [so long] for the moderation of my last reply? I'm intrigued by anybody who might find that message offensive, or as contravening 'the rules' in any way.

Well, Miss G, your taste in music, is, er, tasty!
Let's see now, the last things I bought were a Dr John album, a Lee Perry, and The Levellers - Levelling the Land, which I owned on tape, and I had been saying for five years that I was going to buy on CD.
Ah, so much stuff to see and hear, so little time.

I too, like most stuff, and the collection is pushing 250 albums now, so too many interests to name, but it runs from Sonny Boy Williamson to Andy Williams (One of my favourite songs is "Can't take my eyes off you", from John Williams to William Orbit, from William Orbit to Orbital, and from Orbital to Orbison. And back again (via a few detours)

I've heard Amorica, it's good. My Faves are Shake your Moneymaker and Southern Harmony, though. Sometimes Salvation is a great song. And I'm an SRV fan, so I'll check out Toni Price.

You'll have to excuse Hunter and I going a bit mental in this conversation, we're old pals. And you have to admit that Planet of the Drapes is an intriguing proposition. Damn, I still don't know who Oakey is, though.

Yes, the movie idea is a good one, although I'm not quite sure why the posting was moderated. Perhaps the mention of J.C.?

Speaking of SRV, I happen to be listening to his version of "Little Wing". That happens to be my favorite Jimi Hendrix song...

John Cleese?.....

No, silly! Joan Cusak.

You're both all wet. It's taboo to mention Jim Carrey on h2g2.

Or Jackie Cooper for that matter.

You dirty rats! I thought we were talking about Cagney.

(No, not as in Lacey)

Mary-Beth Lacey was a good singer, wasn't/isn't she? (I'm trying to bring this odd diversion back on course here, folks...) Or was it Cagney? I can't remember. Which one is which? (And lo - the conversation takes another demented turn.)

Mary-Beth Lacey? I hope you've made that up, Mr Hunter, Sir, or my knowledge of Singers with Double-Barrelled Names, which I am most proud of, has a chasm in it.

I'm hoping to go and see Eels live next week. Should be good, gotta love those candy-coated cyanide pills that they dish up!

I think Mr. Orion is referring to Tyne Daly (the aforementioned M.B. Lacey). She is a singer, and has starred on Broadway numerous times. Her best known role is as the mother in Gypsy. Don't ask me why I know this stuff....