h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

...*sits up from the sofa in front of the curtain on the newly built stage...kicks the empty rum bottles under a table...straightens hair...looks for clothes...finding them in the oddest place...*...*whispers...*
whatthebloodyhell's goin' on 'round here - people hmm.
PEOPLE!~~~~~~~~~~
where's the dust chuckin' thingie?
ANYone know how ta' use the mop-stick thingie? no, wait, I recall someone using that as a wig during a costume party ... ... or was it used for a grass skirt? I remember it was funny

The place is a MESS!~~~~~~~~~~~~~...* holds up her skirt to chuck things in - has an Epiphany!<aside/not a typo - just a very lame 'pun'
soooo THIS is why grand ma`ma always wore skirts! I recall her with fresh green beans in her skirt, slip sowing, stockings rolled down & knotted at her knee..."Now here this! By ORDER of *THE* Tart! Should I EVER be seen with my stockings KNOTTED at the knee, you are hereby ORDERED to shoot to killafter first checkin' to see that I ain't tellin' a story 'bout my grandmama
Ya' knooooow... no matter how long we wait, the dust will still be here.
I say we relax, wiat for the urge to clean to pass...an' just don't write the date in the dust! Deal?
mmmm
WHO PUT THE DATE IN THE DUST ON THIS TABLE? You know what smart a$$ there are FINGER PRINTS on the table. HA! So There!
...*hits 42 on speed dial on the house phone...reaches Chippendale Investagations...*...that's right. And money is not an issue! You get your best here and you get him here NOW!...*there's a knock at the door to The Church its two Chippindales (one tall w/black hair & olive skin - the other short , blonde w/muscles and stuff sticking out all over)...*they take
prints from the table..the date reads: 9,Dec,2000...*
...*Pandora hisses to the guys...A.S.-A.Flippin'P.!!
I *know* there MUST be finger prints
...*empties the stuff from her skirt into the collection plate...now there are more out of date condoms, mismatched buttons, slips of paper with various telephone numbers and a dead squid...speaks into her wristband...orders the number four House special...*

Welcome to our humble meeting place!
...*arranges sectional sofa into a cirlce...* Please, everyone have a seat. The chef is making crab cakes and all sorts of yummy things...*opens a large globe...turns out it's a full bar...*

*gives the newest acolyte her recipe for a perfect ini*

citrus vodka (must be kept in the freezer)
vermouth (very little - just wave the bottle over the martini)
jalapeno stuffed olives
cocktail onions
juice from both (I like 'em dirty!)

A perfect ini must be made by a loinclothed acolyte and stirred with the pinkie - no shaking. Served in a VERY large martini glass (think soup bowl on a stem).

I trust the lunch was satisfactory?

(Menu: Rare London Broil, marinaded in red wine and cream of horseradish; served with garlic 'smash' Red Bliss potatoes; green beans; mushrooms and yellow peppers cooked in a piquant sauce - yes, I cook in RL, too!)

See you all later...........I'm just off to visit a sick eunuch (he's never been the same since the operation).

Woo!!! Can I pick the acolytes, or can I pick em???

*nibbles a bit of the left over smashed potatoes and puts in an order for pan seared foie gras with a madeira and truffle reduction*

To hear is to obey......within reason, of course, as I have to keep up my strength!

Breakfast will be my very own creation - Honeymoon Mushrooms (OK, so I bought more button mushrooms than I should have!)

Three glasses champagne, one cup heavy cream, mushrooms, a little unsalted butter.

Gently braise the mushrooms in butter, add the champagne and reduce, add the cream and thicken.

Serve to Madam piled over HOT buttered wholewheat toast - with more champagne, of course (I prefer Veuve Cliquot) Enjoy!

Even a fan of this bat's personal favorite - VC..

Ah! A fan of 'the Widow'! This shows eminent good taste....

I do so hope that you are feeling well? Need any grapes polished, perhaps? Or a gentle neck massage?? (I'll go and warm some almond oil, if you like).

*dashes off to consult the AC - Acolyte's Yearbook - on the care and feeding of bats*

I am intrigued by the fact that you are all 'born again' AND 'tarts' -how delightful................

I think I have a nice tub of passion fruit body butter in the cabinet.. it's best for bat massages. Keeps the wings soft and all.

Passion fruit body butter.............yesssssssssssssss.....ideal for keeping those little bat wings supple, but try it on a buffalo, and you will get VERY messy!

I really must clean this place up a bit..and replenish the cookie dispensers and re-fill the open dishes with strange latex devices (?) Someone might want some entertainment, later

Oh those. They make excellent water balloons.

Ah! Yes.....and if you slip them over the end of a rifle, they keep the mud and water out. At least I THINK that's why they were issued in such huge quantities to the US troops fighting in Europe during WW2!

Please - can anyone tell me why there is a trapeze in the master bedroom? The one with the waterbed? Downright dangerous, if you ask me.....

Supper will be stuffed omelettes (red peppers, shallots and smoked ham) with some of my crusty Artisan bread.

Oh that... the circus was in town and we were entertaining...

Ah! THAT explains the claw marks on the bed headboard - tiger, I presume? Unless one of the b.a.t.s. has VERY strong fingernails

And the assorted items of clown clothing I keep finding in odd places - some of it rather tattered, I see.

If anyone wants me, I shall be in the utility room. I have never seen so much dirty laundry!!

*looks up from filing her nails to vicious points*

Gee.. I don't know how those marks got there..

I presume SOMEONE needs to keep their energy up! Have a quick snack .....

I make a MEAN triple decker lemon cake with vanilla frosting (the secret is to use only FRESH unsalted butter and the very best Bourbon Madagascar Vanilla Bean extract - not cheap, but WOW!)

I am thinking that acolytes might need a decent (or is that 'indecent') piece of body armour to protect the sensitive skin on their back?

*goes to hide in the laundry cupboard*

?? Yum!!! Especially lemon

I have spent simply hours polishing the candelabra in the hall, (do bats swing from it, perchance?) and the state of the downstairs half-bathroom (off the entrance lobby) has to be seen to be believed. Knee deep in empty pizza boxes, empty bottles of McGurk's Patented Libido Enhancer, and one VERY deceased Chippendale.........from the smile on his face, he died happy, at least!

I can see Pandora is up to her old tricks again... last time we just set fire to the half-bath and had it rebuilt afterward.

Ah well! I suppose that I should close up for the night. I'll just put the eunuch out.

Anyone who fancies a nibble during the wee small hours will find a new batch of fairy cakes in the main kitchen. Try to avoid drinking all the milk, please. It is a devil of the job catching the goat in the morning. At least its better with the new animal - I wondered why the old one was protesting so much. How was I to know his name was Billy?

Sweet, naughty, dreams...........

*picks up a fairy cake and nibbles on it, carefully avoiding the "billy and opting for spiked with Irish Cream*

Mmmm.. yumm...

*puts a dish of kibble and some billy out for the eunuch*