h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi! Well, I know that, when manic, people can also have delusions, even though they aren't schizophrenic.

And schizophrenic people can also have racing thoughts! I would say that my thoughts race quite a lot, sometimes.

Prozac and Zyprexa, you say? I'll try to find out about those from someone who knows about psychoactive drugs and stuff.

When have you last been delusional? How is your general mood nowadays? Your outlook on your life? Satisfaction levels?

I'm quite interested, and would like to listen, and may perhaps be able to help with something!

The last time I had a really severe mania was Spring of 2000. It was bad enough that I had to go into the hospital. Since then I've had flashes of psychotic thought, here and there, usually when I'm under stress. For example, I've been worried about a friend of mine who is depressed. Last week, when I was on my computer, I suddenly thought that if I pushed the "help" button, that it would help her. The idea only lasted a few seconds, and then reason reasserted itself. I'm actually doing pretty well at the moment, my satisfaction level is pretty good. One reason I'm feeling good is that I'm enjoying being on the internet, which is new for me, and enjoying h2g2. I have a couple of close friends in real life, and a large family, two sisters and three brothers. Along with my parents, whom I live with, they all kind of look out for me. My sister helps me with disability paperwork and stuff like that. I'm not working at present. The Zyprexa works fairly well, although, as I mentioned, it does make it rather hard to concentrate.

Some of my favorite books about mania and/or psychosis are An Unquiet Mind by Kay Jamison (a splendid book), A Brilliant Madness by Patty Duke, The Quiet Room by Lori Schiller, and The Far Side of Madness by John Weir Perry (this one is hard to find but it's a fascinating look at the patterns of delusions.) They are all very good.

My kitty cat Micio says hello.

Hi! It sounds like you are doing OK! It is good if you can *recognise* the patterns of delusion that you are prone to. If it lasts only short whiles, it ought not be a problem.

I'm also staying with my parents, and they also look out for me. I hope to be able to support myself sometime, financially, but I'm not thinking of moving out, except if I can get married! Since I've never in my life even *dated* yet, that is rather a far-off prospect right now! If my parents die, and I'm not married yet, I'll probably stay with other family or friends. I need people to be around to look out for me.

Unfortunately I don't get along well with my sister and her husband, *but* if things improve between us, they might also perhaps be able to take care of me.

The scizophrenia I have can cause huge problems for me. My psychosis usually involves extreme suicidalness.

How do you pass your time ... except for watching movies?

Say hello back to your cat for me! I must say, I would like to *hear* (him? her?) say hello!

for Ellen and Willem

I've got An Unquiet Mind too. I bought it a few months after my first manic episode. It was a relly inspiring read, I should read it again. It made me feel sure I had MD, but it took another year and another round of depression to find out it was PTSD.

My delusions were of grandeur, I'm afraid (sue me ) I got this *really bad* flood of *really good* ideas, and my fervour for having the world notice was too strong to be healthy. I went on a crusade at work, saying I'd had an "epiphany" - I'd written a six-page epic on the nature of the universe (a philosophy I still hold onto, though I keep it to myself these days) and I was hurtling through agony and ecstasy for weeks. It cost me my job, as you'd expect.

Hi Ellen! Hi Chris! Chris, what you tell makes me think of a friend of mine let's call him Jake (not his real name). It also makes me think how much overlap there is between different mental conditions. You might want to read this description for some understanding of the mechanisms involved.

My friend Jake is quite manic-depressive; this is making his life quite hard, and he's been through a large number of jobs. During his manic phases he works like a man possessed, but then he crashes. He also has problems with self-criticism, never being satisfied with what he's done/doing, always pushing himself harder and harder and harder. He has problems interacting with people ... problems between him and his bosses, especially. He has a problem speaking in front of groups of people, and I can tell he has a problem expressing himself, especially emotionally ... his voice always has a flat, neutral tone, and his face hardly ever shows any affect - he does smile and laugh at jokes, but hardly ever does he express anger, or frustration, or sadness, though he must definitely feel it. I can see though that while he's trying to talk about something upsetting to him, that some of his face muscles twitch involuntarily.

He *also* has delusions. He has delusions of grandeur ... he once wanted to write a book to prove the existence of God, once and for all; he also believes during his manic phases that he can achieve lots of things simultaneously, like becoming a world-class athlete while studying agriculture and also studying physics on his own and leading a church youth group and dating lots of women and partying with his friends ... Then, when he comes down from the manic phases he experiences paranoid delusions ... voices coming from nowhere criticising him; he feels there are people who want to destroy him, he goes into a shop and hears voices and comes to the conclusion there are people in the shop gossiping about *him* ... this is *very similar* to paranoid schizophrenia.

Jake *also* has PTSD. He was sexually molested, as a young child, by his father. Afterwards his relationship with his father went through ups and downs. His father has been periodically abusive, generally manipulative, very critical of him, and not very supportive. He has told me that at times he hated his father ... but he has also always been dependent on him. Because of his current problems with finding and holding on to work, he is *still* dependent on his father; he's close to my age. Like myself, Jake was also involved, as a teenager, in right-wing resistance politics here in South Africa, and the complete overturning of the system ... our worldview, or way of life, our conceptual framework ... certainly *also* contributed to his PTSD, as it certainly did to mine.

Jake is very intelligent, and very talented, and this gives some base to his delusions of grandeur. I, for instance, am also prone to this, and I seriously believe I can help change the world for the better! Unlike myself, Jake though has not learnt and seems to be unable to learn to pace himself. When manic, he just don't know to put on the brakes; he just can't learn that he *has to* dampen his own overenthusiasm for his own sake; he seems to completely forget that there's a huge crash waiting for him on the other side. Then he crashes, and it's physical health problem ... 'yuppie fever', and other 'real' diseases ... and mental health problems ... PTS, depression, delusions. Neither Jake nor his parents know much about or have much trust in psychology or psychiatry; he is prone to believing he should fix his problems by just trying harder, and praying, and hoping for the best.

Well, that's one of my friends. You can compare his experience to yours, Chris, and Ellen also. (I haven't heard of him in a while, so I have no idea how he's doing... I hope not too badly...) You can both see, I hope, that there's some overlap between MD, PTSD, and Schizophrenia. People are usually quite complicated. They don't ever fit completely and neatly into a single category.

Willem, I'm very good at recognizing my own lapses in behavior. I can tell when I'm manic. This is a very good thing, because I've had friends who are manic depressive who did not recognize when they were spinning out of control.

I lived with my sister for about a year, but I finally had to move back with my parents, because my sister was allergic to my cat.

I'm sorry to hear that your psychosis is often accompanied by suicidal impulses. That's a very dangerous combination, as I know only too well, having made an attempt myself when psychotic.

What do I do besides watch movies and hang out on h2g2? Not much, to be honest. I do some reading from time to time. The last book I read was called Catch Me If You Can. It was a very cool book about a con artist - a true story. I've also been reading some of the Onion humor books. They are such a hoot. Reading has been harder on the Zyprexa, but it's gettin better. I do some artwork from time to time, oil painting and on the computer. Mostly, I love movies, I go to the theater a lot, and rent DVDs and videos. I also have a very rich fantasy life, probably to compensate for the rather limited scope of my life.

As for your friend Jake, it sounds like he desperately needs to be on a mood stabilizer. Lithium, or one of the newer ones. It's not fair to himself to just "try harder." He sounds like he should see a psychiatrist. Maybe you could encourage him to do so.

Chris, your "six page epic" and your "epiphany" sound so much like the early stages of my first mania. I had something called Hypergraphia - frantic, manic, "inspired" writing. I wrote pages and pages and pages of stuff, about the world, and the nature of war and peace, and about new ways people could interact with each other. I thought I would publish all of this in a best selling book called Heart of Gold. When I went into the hospital, my family moved all my stuff home, and THEY THREW ALL MY WRITING AWAY! I'm still rather angry that they did that. It would have been a really interesting thing to go back and read, and could have been a valuable tool in therapy. Have you had more than one manic episode, or was this the only one? Are you on any kind of mood stabilizer, like lithium? I don't want to be too nosy, so just tell me if you want to! JE

Hi Ellen! It sounds like you're doing very well! And you also like cats ... excellent! I am going to have *lots* of cat pictures on my website, soon ... I'm right now uploading seven photos!

About the psychosis, and suicidal impulses: I simply have to stay *very* alert and attuned to the possibility. There are parts of me that *really, really* want to be dead and not know anything more ... but there are also parts of me that really, really want to live because they have so much more work to do, and so much more things that they want to see and experience. For the sake of that, I will do my best to stave off the suicidalness. But still, I get that. I was feeling suicidal as recently as yesterday.

I don't read books as much as I used to. I'm *trying* to start again ... it's difficult, but I am a fairly disciplined person. I love reading, and actually, most of what I read is non-fiction! I currently have a book from the library entitled 'The Encyclopedia of Science in Everyday Life'. That's the sort of book I enjoy reading!

You know, probably, that I also paint! I've now finished with my fifth paining since coming out of Denmar, and am starting on the sixth!

I like movies, but I don't go very frequently because the local theatre shows mostly trashy movies instead of quality stuff.

Just a note: I also have a rich 'fantasy life' ... or I call it inner life, because 'fantasy' seems to imply that it's not real, but for me it's very real!

As for my friend Jake ... I've given him lots of advice, so far, but he doesn't seem very eager to take any of it.

I *also* had hypergraphia! Over the years since I came out of my *first* stay in Denmar, 1992, I wrote *huge volumes*! I am lucky enough to still have them all. *However*, I did not write such profound stuff. I wrote mainly about bodybuilding, because I was rather obsessed with it for a long period. I was still quite schizophrenic, though, and there was a very large gap between my supposed knowledge and what I was doing in practice. To me it's quite interesting to go back and look at what I said, and to notice the misperceptions. I wrote *huge* letters ... forty pages in some instances ... and mailed them to many people overseas. Crazy as I was, I still managed to get some of my writings published! But apart from bodybuilding, I also got involved in religious controversies ... same story; *huge* letters, and I believe they were very erudite as well, but about topics that don't merit such a level of discussion!

*Later*, though, I started writing about 'Life, the Universe, and Everything'. I wrote lots of stuff about nature. Recently I wrote a threehundred page book about dinosaurs, which no publishing house wanted. For myself, I also *did* write lots of stuff about making the world a better place, and new ways for people to interact. I still have those. I am *very* angry with your family for throwing yours away, because I would *so much* have wanted to compare them with mine!

See, this is what I find so confusing about psychiatry. I was convinced after last year I had manic depression, my doctor thought I had schizoaffective disorder (which apparently is a combination of mild md and schizophrenia) and my psychiatrist just feels I have an "emotionally unstable personality with complex post-traumatic stress disorder". Is there really any virtue in compartmentalizing how we feel and think, beyond appropriate treatment? I'd rather just be Chris. Someone I spoke to on a service-user group said that diagnoses are just psychiatry's way of turning patients' attention inwards, increasing their sense of fragility, worthlessness and anxiety, and forcing them to need constant treatment... or maybe he's just paranoid? I thought everyone in the universe had that.

And what's wrong with "hypergraphia"? Isn't that just a case of having a *really good idea*? If so then I'm guessing most of humanity's cultural icons and philosophers had it.

Well, I find some use in the concepts psychiatrists use, but I always realise that people are complex. I know myself to have aspects of schizophrenia, and Post Traumatic Stress, and manicness ... but not so much depression. When I am depressed, I am not depressed in the same way as the term is usually understood. I was for instance feeling *very elated* the first time I attempted suicide. So I don't worry which 'category' I fit into most clearly ... I know there are a lot of them, but I still research the various conditions. I look at the various symptoms, and I *know* which of them are problems. For instance, obsessiveness is a *problem* for me. Like when I obsessed about bodybuilding and aspects around it, like the food I ate. Becoming obsessed like that leads me ultimately to self-destructive thoughts and behaviour. Then there's the opposite of that ... being *not interested at all*, or having no ambition at all, in something very important. Like romance. I *very much* would like to meet somebody special to love and to have near, and I hope ultimately to have kids with, but so far I have not *once* even seriously considered dating ... the same with earning a living; I am *so* uninterested in money that it is *extremely difficult* for me to start with a career and to gain financial independence. Those things ... obsessiveness, and ultra-low ambition, both fit with schizophrenia, and what is most telling is that they *manifest* in that particular way that interferes with my optimal functioning. Schizophrenia manifests as a dysfunction that hampers people from becoming happy and/or successful because they can't tell what's real or not, or what's important or not. I think that is the *main thing* about it; the list of symptoms are secondary and some of them overlap with other conditions. Manic/depressiveness, though, hampers people because when manic, they are *too unrestrained* and they may do dangerous or very risky things ... their judgement becomes impaired (hence the delusions) because of the overabundance of 'energy' they have. Then they exhaust their energy and 'crash', which is also harmful. There would then be a long-term pattern forming of highs and lows. If the highs and lows are the most prominent feature of the dysfunction, it is categorised as MD. Post traumatic stress, though, can easily go along with other disorders. I am schizophrenic *and* have PTS, and the PTS is something that works hand in hand with the schizophrenia. You know about PTS ... it relates back to something bad that happened in the past, the effects of which keep coming up again, disproportionally strong, interering with other behaviours.

Anyways, 'hypergraphia' sounds to me like a really silly term ... there's nothing wrong with writing a lot! I think I maybe now write more than ever before in my life! But in the past, I wrote a lot of *nonsense* ... and when I think of my friend who wanted to prove the existence of God, conclusively, I think it would also have been a lot of wasted writing. There are quite a number of schizophrenics who produce voluminous books on topics like the Meaning of Life, or the Complete Scientific Theory of Everything, or about topics they actually know nothing about, and the writing itself is almost 100% gobbledygook. It's typical for a schizophrenic person to believe s/he knows everything about a subject despite having no qualification whatsoever.

I think some of them may manage to receive degrees in Philosophy, though.

Hi again

Sorry, I didn't answer your question last time Ellen - I've never been diagnosed or treated for MD but have been on and off antidepressants and tranquilisers for 5 years - last year was a first, and beside a similar but less productive period of cycling between excitement and misery this summer, that's all I've got to go on.

Chris, did you know that antidepressants can trigger mania? They might account for the mania you had, if you were taking some at the time. I can sympathize with your desire to be just "yourself," and not always a person with an illness. Not a diagnosis.

I think that the hypergraphia I experienced was different than normal inspiration, because it was uncontrollable. I did not eat, and did not sleep, for days on end, all I could do was write. And I felt no hunger or fatigue, just the opposite. The writing was so compelling that I had to stop my car several times on the way to work to write things down. And I wrote at work too, which I could do luckily since I worked at a little bookstore that was far from busy.

Chris and Willem, I am going to tell you some stories that weren't all funny at the time, but that I think are funny now. Firstly, when I had my first manic episode, I was delusional about Nazis, I thought they were taking over America. So when they take me to the hospital, who winds up treating me? A psychiatrist from Germany! He walked into the room, and in a heavy German accent said, "I'm here to help you." My reaction was something like, "Yeh, sure you are." Isn't that wild, that I got this one guy right when I was obsessing about Nazis? I mean, what are the odds of that? It's not like I live near Germany or anything like that.

Another funny story. I met my therapist Linda at the hospital. She is a wonderful person, very smart and funny. She was the first person to get through to me that I was ill. She was trying to explain to me that I had been hallucinating. I protested that everything I had been experiencing seemed perfectly real. She said yes, that it would seem real, that hallucinations are perfectly convincing. I thought about it for a second, and then I said, "So how do I know that I'm not hallucinating you?" She laughed, and we hit it off right away.

Another story. When I moved to the open ward, the doctors who examined me came round with large groups of medical students in tow. One doctor asked me did I like the open ward. I said yes, that I liked the decorative border around the room. When the doctor and students failed to look up at the border, I was afraid that I had hallucinated it. So I asked the doctor, "There is a border, isn't there?" The poor students tried desperately to stiffle their laughter, until the doctor said, "It's ok. It's alright to laugh." Everyone cracked up. I like that story because I agree with him. It's ok to laugh at my illness sometimes.

I am feeling very talkative tonight, so I will tell you one more story, about how I met my kitty, Micio. I went to a greenhouse that took in stray cats. They has about 50 of them. Some of the cats were very aloof, and turned up their noses when I tried to pet them. One cat was friendly, but frantically so, climbing all over me. So I kept looking. As I was walking down one row, something caught my eye at eye level. I stopped, and it was a pretty cat, walking on the shelves, following along with me. She had black strips with a cinnamon undercoat. She looked just like a cat I had seen in a children's book. I reached out to pet her, and she obviously liked being petted. The I shook my jacket string near her, to see if she was playful, and she grabbed it. I knew she was the one. I got on the phone and convinced my Mom to let me bring a two year old cat home. Her original name was Sweet Face, but I rechristened her Micio, after the name of the cat in the book she resembled. Later I found out that the greenhouse did an adoption drive the week after I was there, and most of the cats were given away. So I got Micio just in time, and I've always thought that it was meant to be. She is a superb cat.

Man, I guess I talked y'all's ears off. Maybe I have a bit of hypergraphia tonight -- hehe.

Later.

No, Ellen, that was not overwhelming at all! You may notice, I also often post very long messages here! Not this morning though ... I'm just quickly going through some backlog! I may post a longer message here later today, commenting in greater detail.

Ellen

I did know that a/ds can trigger mania - that's why I went off them for such a long time. But I chose to stop a week before I found out my dad had died, and slowly but surely when the reality sank in I got more depressed than I'd ever been... as soon as I went back on them, I went off again and needed the tranks.

Is this MD? My psychiatrist doesn't think I'm mentally ill *at all*, just "emotionally unhealthy" as a consequence of trauma - which begs the questions - why am I taking these pills? why do I need to see you?

More to the point, why won't he credit me with having a little more insight into my own workings than he, who's only seen me for, oh, a few hours in total? I've discovered that PTSD has mania as a symptom at times, so I can see it that way.

Chris, you seem to be quite knowledgeable about PTSD and about Manic Depression. And you seem knowledgable about your own symptoms, and what's going on inside you. Some people don't have that insight. Anyway, I think you should trust your own instincts, because as you say, your therapist only sees you for a few hours. I have a feeling your diagnosis will sort itself out, because if you're MD, you'll definitely have more manias. Have we ever talked about EMDR, eye movement therapy? I've heard that has helped a lot of people with trauma.

Chris and Willem, have ya'll seen The Horse Whisperer? It's a very good film that deals with the issue of trauma, both physical and mental. It showed how trauma impacts a young girl and her horse. I was very impressed by it.

Hey Ellen! Yes, I did see The Horse Whisperer. I would have liked it if they stuck to the trauma of the girl and the horse, and their healing, and not have slapped a love interest between Robert Redford and Kristin Scott Thomas on top of it! I personally don't really like the amount of self-glorification typically seen in a Robert Redford or whatsisname (Dances With Wolves/Waterworld/The Postman ... who the hell is that guy again? Oh yeah ... Kevin Costner) movie. The girl was OK, and the horse as well, but they could have left out Redford.

Hi

I've never heard of the eye movement thing. I was treated for epilepsy between age 15 and a few years ago. They did EEGs with stroboscopic lights but only for tests. I doubt there's anything like that here, The only thing they've offered me is Art Therapy, which is about as much use to me as a chocolate teapot.

I haven't seen The Horse Whisperer yet, but my aunt's got it on video. I might ask to have a look. While we're on the subject Ellen, you're obviously a very keen film fan, did you ever see Mystery Train? Whenever I think of Memphis I think of that film - Joe Strummer and Screaming Jay Hawkins were in it, it was excellent, and very funny.

I actually have heard of that eye-movement thing ... it sounds rather strange to me, though ... maybe I should look it up?

Anyways, for *me* art therapy works, heh heh! I *love* painting ... and I also listen to nice music while I do it! I am currently going in for classical music ... taking a break from the rock for a while ... but I soon wanna get me some more heavy stuff again ... even here, on occasion, I can find some nice music at affordable prices!