h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

ANNOUNCER: Long ago, in a galaxy far away, there was an Empire
that was in deep doodoo. An intelligence-challenged entity
named Jar Jar Bonkers had managed to get himself cloned, and
all his clones had elected themselves to the Empire's Senate,
the better to bring galactic government to a screeching halt.
In other words, things were normal. A small group of dissidents
decided that this was their chance to make a difference.
Under the leadership of Count Doodoo, they decided to syphon
several thousand solar sytems off from the Empire. There was
just one hitch: they didn't have an army.

PAUL H: Come on, come on, let's cut to the chase before our
audience falls asleep and slumps forward into their popcorn.
They decided to use the clone-making expertise of
the planet Punsylvania. That still left the matter of finding
someone brave enough to donate the DNA for the clones that
would be used. Three such heroes volunteered: Richard Whiteley,
Regis Philbin, and Joan Rivers.

TO BE CONTINUED

(Better response when I'm less ...)

STORY PART TWO

The efforts to clone Richard Whiteley
went very badly. Every time a mad scientist
(or even a mildly pissed-off scientist)
approached Whitely to get some DNA, the
scientist would come under Whitely's
powerful soporific gaze and fall asleep
before he could do his work.

Joan Rivers produced the opposite reaction.
Rivers was desperate to get cloned. The only
trouble was, as soon as there were multiple
Joan Rivers, they all started Shopping Networks,
with the result that 2 billion people worldwide
spent themselves into oblivion, causing markets
and economies to crash everywhere.

Regis Philbin was the last hope. Happily, with
multiple Regis Philbins in the world, more people
could become millionaires and climb out of
bankruptcy.

TO BE CONTINUED