Journal Entries
Happy
Posted Oct 25, 2008
"Think of the past only as its remembrance gives you pleasure."
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Latest reply: Oct 25, 2008
History
Posted Aug 1, 2008
I remember when Nate put out a cigarette on his arm. He said he wanted to know what it felt like. It left a round scar on the inside of his elbow. I thought he was an idiot, but now I also wonder, if not for the same reasons.
I want it to hurt when I die. If it doesn't hurt when you die, how can you be sure you were ever alive? Of course, by the time this existential angst hits you, you will be dead, and I doubt you will be worrying about it for too long.
I want to hold my breath until I pass out. I am afraid of suffocation, and fear is a cage. Perhaps if I can do it, I will be free. Free to go build more cages.
A week's worth of pants, shirts, underwear, socks, a bra, a pair of black shoes...Sometimes I wish I could bring myself to set fire to the rest. I won't. I shouldn't. But perhaps I can make the thought count.
Nihilism won't solve anything. It is not the goal. But it is a stop on the journey.
I have slept my way through 4 years. It is time to wake up. How-to.
I used to miss being in love. I didn't miss him, I missed the emotion. I didn't even care if anyone loved me back. Love hurts; it lets you know you're alive. Cigarette burns and chest pains, blood and dilated eyes. What a cop out. How lazy can I get?
I want to put it off. In 2 years, I graduate, and then I can join the Peace Corps. I will see pain and death and fear, and I will know what it means. I will leave my fingernail scratch on the granite-walled dungeon, and then I will know I was alive, with no need to remind myself ever again. Can you see the mark? Just there...It's hard to make out in this light, I know, but there it is. That was me.
Beyond that, my visions of the future fade.
I look forward to being a grandmother.
I a a spoiled rich kid. When I was 3, my dad left us, and we had nothing. We were on welfare, homeless. That's my badge. But I don't remember then, I remember now. Now, if I overdraft on my bank account, my mom puts $100 in it, and it's all okay again.
It will be hard work, and I don't know how to do it, but I will wake myself up. Where'd I put my Bible?
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Latest reply: Aug 1, 2008
Lonely Slush
Posted Jun 25, 2008
When the daylight hours make the grass grow green
I’m happy and alive and free
My tethers undone, so wild, I feel strong
But it’s all so wrong.
Silent and alone, I spend my nights dreamless
Cold bed, ears deaf like cotton, your voice is dead
Happy to be free, I know, but never meant to be alone.
Boredom and loneliness can only take you so far,
And then they take you farther.
So here I am on a warm summers night feeling cold,
Empty.
Somehow the words get tangled in my brain,
They come out like slush, with no one to hear them.
Touches I miss, but I can live without,
That look I miss, but it’s not vital.
I miss being in love, and that’s the thing,
I can’t live without it,
Almost so I don’t care
If anyone’s in love with me.
I miss caring,
For without it, I am undone.
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Latest reply: Jun 25, 2008
Play Time (Please Ignore)
Posted Jun 22, 2008
Catholic parents? Traditionalist, dominant male figures important, head-of-household. Thought the house would make her happy, but in the end made it worse. Sterility, fear of ocean mean weakness: resentment, disdain. Feels trapped in a life that is far from what she expected. She knows the feelings are "wrong," so she suppresses them, tries to be happy, holds on to what she can, the ocean and the rain and baking, but she fades. Sickly? She struggles with her suppressed emotions, but suppressing them makes them stronger, they manifest separate from her.
He knows she is unhappy, but knows he can't do anything about it. Tries what he can, but nothing helps. He grows distant, shuts himself away when he's home. Tries to buy her flowers and little things, but doesn't talk to her or really try to reach her anymore. He feels her suppressed disdain, it makes him angry because these things aren't his fault. Feels trapped by the house, trapped into being what he is, and withdraws. He just doesn't know what to do.
Rename one of them to disconnect the stories in your mind. They started as the same character, but they're not anymore. As long as you view them as the same, you're stuck. The name should help.
Why does Be hate herself? She made him kill her, he did it, but she orchestrated it. Why did she choose him to be the engine? Because he loves her, but she doesn't love herself, and she feels that she doesn't deserve it, she extroverts her self-loathing. Abusive father, both mother and daughter. Blames mother, hatred of wifehood, blames self, hatred of femininity, weakness.
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Latest reply: Jun 22, 2008
Play Time
Posted Jun 7, 2008
Catholic parents? Traditionalist, dominant male figures important, head-of-household. Thought the house would make her happy, but in the end made it worse. Sterility, fear of ocean mean weakness: resentment, disdain. Feels trapped in a life that is far from what she expected. She knows the feelings are "wrong," so she suppresses them, tries to be happy, holds on to what she can, the ocean and the rain and baking, but she fades. Sickly? She struggles with her suppressed emotions, but suppressing them makes them stronger, they manifest separate from her.
He knows she is unhappy, but knows he can't do anything about it. Tries what he can, but nothing helps. He grows distant, shuts himself away when he's home. Tries to buy her flowers and little things, but doesn't talk to her or really try to reach her anymore. He feels her suppressed disdain, it makes him angry because these things aren't his fault. Feels trapped by the house, trapped into being what he is, and withdraws. He just doesn't know what to do.
Rename one of them to disconnect the stories in your mind. They started as the same character, but they're not anymore. As long as you view them as the same, you're stuck. The name should help.
Why does Be hate herself? She made him kill her, he did it, but she orchestrated it. Why did she choose him to be the engine? Because he loves her, but she doesn't love herself, and she feels that she doesn't deserve it, she extroverts her self-loathing.
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Latest reply: Jun 7, 2008
Still_WRD
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