h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I noticed you have made a copy of my story in preparation for inclusion in your AGG column. Since reading the comments made by your colleagues, I have made some changes, fixed some awkward sentences, and fleshed out some parts that I thought were lacking. Please have another look.
When this "issue" comes out, will it contain a link to my version or yours? I'd like to know in case I decide to do any more revising. That way if I make anymore changes I can let you know so you can update it all in one go. Is there a deadline.
Thank you.

Corinth

P.S. I still have yet to hear your editorial comments on the piece, and your opinion is the one I'm most interested in.

Aha, there you are.
Yes the comments from the group were at post 221 and beyond of the Organisational Discussion thread of AGG/GAG.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/F80670&thread=154624&skip=220&show=20

I confess I went through the piece for the first time last night and only did some minor edits, mostly paragraph structure to give it more breathing room. And one or two times I altered the syntax by using present participles to avoid three sentences beginning with 'I'. Other than that, I found it was much easier to read than I remembered and I enjoyed it all over again. It would have appeared on your homepage too, because I put your name on it.

There is still one sentence I didn't touch yet about 'trails, the like of which, not seen much of, previous, lately', or some-such other pre-victorian construction that reminds me of Lord Byron trying to be formal and clever.

If you like my spacing and paragraphs just make the other changes you are thinking of, either in your original or copy mine and make them there, and then I will incorporate them in my version which will be the one linked to in the Valentine's Post.

Most importantly, I found very little that I really felt needed correction. It was a 'pot' not a 'pod' she ladled soup from was it not? There were a couple of other typos, but except for that Byron sentence I think it's quite readable now. Oh, take note of some AGG/GAG comments in the thread about the surprise factor, and how it would have been more 'acceptable' to establish the narrator as a 'wanderer' early on, like in the first couple of sentences with something like ..a credit card and a passport was all a true wanderer needed to see the world ..and maybe use the word back-packer so people can stereotype your being at the outset .

peace
jwf

Yes, that very sentence is one of the ones I corrected, so as not to get "pre-Victorian" on the readers' asses. I have no idea why I wrote it like that, anyway.
Your spacing is just fine. Any further changes I might make will be in words and letters. I plan to give it a final polish and let you know when, as far as I'm concerned, it's ready.

As per some of the comments, I established the gender of the narrator a short way into the story, and ruminated a bit more on the nature of "wandering". I can't help but wonder at the idea that any of the characters' actions could be seen as irresponsible. It makes me think they missed the part about outside Ideas not applying in other worlds. Perception, too, plays a part in it. Reality is in the eye of the beholder. Different eyes won't always agree. Sometimes eyes don't work right. This story was an attempt by me to account for an episode in my life that is destined to remain unclear. You came close in your description of her, "makes love like an angel". Remember the scars on her back...

Like I've said before I was amazed at the reaction to it, but took that as fair counsel considering that I want desperately to use it as our feature piece in the Valentine's Day issue (Feb 14th) of the Post.

It spoke of love to me, the greatest kind, the classic kind and it tugged at my heartstrings and loins simultaneously. I have hitchhiked around America, done the backpacking thing, been dependent on the kindness of strangers, always enjoying the freedom of the road and finding love along the way. Your story took me back and it all made sense to me. Not everyone has slept out in the rain, I guess. Funny how subjective our realities remain no matter how hard we struggle to be open minded and appreciate other's perspectives and points of view. Your story made sense, to me, because to some extent I've been there. It just never occurred to me that not everyone would get it.
But happily you have seen the comments and risen above the pangs of criticism in the interest of a wider more sympathetic audience. I look forward to hearing from you that revisions are finalised. Deadline Feb 4.
peace
jwf

Aye, Captain.
I'll keep you posted.

Dear sir,
I have made the story as good as I am able. I hope my humble efforts please you and others. I look forward to its "publication".

Thank ye kindly.

Where is this final version then?
Are the changes made in your original Nov 10 entry?
http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A657047

I will make your changes to my version and use that as the link from the Post. There will also be a link to your homepage as the author.

jwf

Yes the final version is my original entry.

Are you content with the type of spacing and paragraph blocking changes I was making in mine?
If so, I'll look for the editorial changes you made and insert them in mine and ask you to double check that I got them all in a few days.
If not I'll just lift yours as now written and ask you specifically about some suggestions I might have for creating more white space. I'd like to break it into three (or four) sections and ask you to provide chapter-like headings such as: The Storm, The Shepherdess, Spring.

I haven't had a chance to re-read it and I'm wondering how many and how big were the alterations and will I be able to see them.
peace
jwf

I'm not overly concerned with the spacing. It looks just fine in your version. Breaking it into chapters seems a bit silly for such a short story, but I'll bow to your superior editorial judgement. Do as you like. There are various alterations. I changed some sentence structure, added some sentences, and corrected some typos. A careful read will catch them all, I think.

Hi,
I have finally finished inserting all the paragraph breaks and have further widened the gaps between each section and start each with bold letters on the first couple of words. There are also two 'popcorn' intermissions.

I changed pod to pot and two other spellings ..still wondering about how many 'L's there are in crystaline .

I think I found all your copy changes and like them except the reference to what 'other' American men are doing. Just that one sentence seems irrelevant, you have made it clear the speaker is American, and we are caring about him, not them. The particle, fractal thing is ..uhm interesting.

We still have a few days to make any last minutes changes, so let me know here.

peace
jwf

You were right ..two 'L's.

jwf

I replaced the 'popcorn' smilies with 'peacedoves'. Not quite so corny, they still give a little break to the copy at what I feel would be the two approriate places.
jwf

Excellent work. Those bold words look smashing! Like my words are wearing black silk stockings.
So when does it head for the presses?

Thursday, Feb 14, Saint Valentine's Day in the h2g2 Post.

I can make final changes up to Tuesday the 12th if you see anything else. That line about what other Americans were thinking still troubles me. If there is an allusion to drug experience at that point it should be clearer; I only came to that idea struggling with the apparent mixed intent of that section of revisions which has about twice as much 'new' material as was needed.

I have really enjoyed reading it again. And again. I see something new every time, or rather, I come to consciously appreciate a choice of words that before had just been part of the story. Now that I'm being so analytical I really see the 'details'. The tomatoes weren't just tomatoes, they were ripe tomatoes.

peace
jwf

I think there was some talk of establishing the gender of the narrator early on, and his proclivity for wandering. It wasn't supposed to be what others Americans were thinking, but him thinking of other Americans like himself. I'll have another look at it.

There were no drugs involved, then.

I have added FOOTNOTES in the form of two conversation threads to define Eclogue and scapulae. AGGists reported looking up those two words. And I have expressed my idea that the scars on the scauplae are the result of wing removal.
This very profound idea only occured to me on the twenty-fifth reading. This is because (like the detail of 'ripe' mentioned above) the style is commanding and carries one along accepting as 'given' all the descriptions of a strange and foreign world as best one can. The imagination is caught up in the landscape and the lifestyle. Only when I was completely familiar with the terrain did my imagination allow itself to reflect too deeply on those scars and what they could mean - and suddenly it was 'obvious', she was an angel who had her wings clipped.
A brilliant detail, and whether I reached the intended meaning or no, it is certainly not something everyone will be able to imagine on a first reading.
peace
jwf

I saw those footnotes, and am of differing opinions about them. Part of me thinks it's spoon-feeding the reader, making it too easy. Another part of me wants the reader to understand it all as well as you have, and if the footnotes will help, then so be it.
There's no way to remove the conversations, so I guess I'll just consider them in the most positive way possible.
I always appreciate your attention. They say to write for your best reader, I guess that means I'm writing for you.
Thanks.

Ooops. Yeah you're right, those conversations are there for the duration now aren't they! I should have asked first. Sorry.
Yes, I was trying to make it a little easier for others. But only 'after' the fact. I give nothing, ..well very little, away in my introduction:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/classic/A690789

You could always post to those conversations denying any knowledge and disavowing my editorial interference.

Let me know if you have any other changes you want me to make.
peace
jwf

You know. I think I might do that. It'll give the readers something to scratch their heads over.

There won't be any further changes (on my part) necessary. It looks great!