h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

'But the plans were on display…'
'On display? I eventually had to go down to the cellar to find them.'
'That’s the display department.'
'With a flashlight.'
'Ah, well, the lights had probably gone.'
'So had the stairs.'
'But look, you found the notice, didn’t you?'
'Yes,' said Arthur, 'yes I did. It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying ‘Beware of the Leopard.'
- You Know Where

When I was at university, we called it 'hassling the Bureaucracy'. As in, 'Where are you going?'
'Oh, I have to go hassle the Bureaucracy. They got my course registration all mixed up.'
'Good luck. The line over there is an hour long.'
'Thanks for the tip - I'll take a book.'

When things got confusing over in the Cathedral of Learning basement, we called it a 'Kafkaesque moment' - one that reminded us of that great novel, 'Der Prozess'. If the Kafkaesque moment included one of those situations where you needed Paper A to get Form B, but couldn't get Form B without Paper A...

You guessed it: it was a 'Catch 22' situation. We may have been caught in the wheels of organisational insanity, but we knew our literature.

I've just had an experience with the local borough that was Kafkaesque, involved a Catch 22 (until I figured it out by being put on hold twice), and had me hearing the Leopard growling in the darkened recesses behind the filing cabinet. I am referring to my repeated attempts to pay a local income tax.

You would think that if local government wanted revenue, they'd at least let you know they levied one. Seriously. Well, they got around to sending me an overdue tax notice - for two years ago.

I paid it, plus late fees, penalties, interest, and handling fee. I figured, if I owed them tax two years ago, I probably owed it for the next couple of years, right? So I should pay up.

It turns out, nobody knew when, where, or how. My tax man's in another state, where they do things differently. The church people mostly live in other villages and towns, not this borough. People who live in the borough said, sure, they paid the local income tax - through their employers. Ah.

I contacted a local council member, who is also a friend. She said I had to do it online through the collection agency. Outsourcing is a Thing. Okay. I found the website.

I tried to sign up. It wouldn't let me.

Phone call. At least, they have no muzak. Just a phone ringing for several minutes. Refreshing, that. The nice young lady acted as if no one had ever, ever called her with this problem before. She behaved as if it were perfectly acceptable for people to owe taxes, but have no clue as to how to pay them. Of course she could open an account, so that I could use the e-filing system. She was very nice about it, considering this unheard-of request...I could e-file after 24 hours.

The next day: trying to efile, and being confronted by incomprehensible boxes: another phone call. Another nice young woman. This one told me I had to 'copy' the information into the form. 'How?' I wanted to know. We talked back and forth until she realised I was being 'technical' and worrying about .jpgs and .pdfs, when all I had to do was type in the information. I thanked her.

I managed to pay the taxes. My conscience is now clear. The taxes are far from exorbitant, particularly if you don't have to pay penalties. Bureaucracy successfully hassled. No more Catch-22s.

The Leopard growls softly, but stays behind the filing cabinet.

I hope they name a street after you or something.

On the subject, I recommend this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JtEkUmYecnk

I like Asterix's solution. I should try this sometime...

Yeah.

Neighbour told me the municipality is going to change the main water pipe under our street.
- How do you know, I asked.
- One of the workers told me. I haven't heard a word from the municipality.
- Neither have I.

We agreed it's going to be interesting when people suddenly realise there are no parking spaces in their street - and no water in their pipes ...

Drives you nuts, doesn't it?

The way things are usually going we may be lucky to receive a notification a couple of weeks after the work is done

Heh ... bureaucracy in South Africa can be bad also. Well, things do get done in the end, but you might need to wait in the queue for 3-8 hours ...

I'm sure they never do things like this now , but when I lived in Greece, they accepted bribes of, like, $4...

Hey, there's a story I don't know if I've told you folks yet. Sometime ago I had to apply to renew my driving license; that part went all right (3 hours or so) but the license I had to pick up a month or so later. When I returned to the traffic department to claim my new licence, the place was locked up, no-one allowed out or in. Our elite anti-corruption unit, the Falcons, were in the midst of an operation. Turns out there were quite a few officials who were accepting bribes. They arrested, if I remember correctly, about five or six of them. When I returned *again* to finally get my license, a day or two later, I was amused to see a whopping big anti-corruption poster hanging inside. I wonder, did they put that up before or after the sting operation?

Sorry, they're the Hawks, not the falcons!

And good luck to them with that anti-corruption drive!

Jobs in the anti-corruption business are nice if you can get them. They always seem to be in demand.

Glad all that worked out in the end - Kafkaesque indeed...

Salute for paying the overdue fees and well done for paying what you didn't know you owed to make sure you didn't get any more overdue fees!

Reminds me of the time I rang a bureaucracy department to tell them they didn't owe me anything further and the conversation seemed to go well. Next month, I received money but assumed it must have just been a payment of arrears. Next month I received more money and got suspicious so I rang them again. They said, "Why didn't you tell us sooner that we didn't owe you anything further?" I gladly paid back the money I received by mistake, but slightly less gladly paid the late fees and penalty (the effort needed to contest the amount would have cost more than the amount so I decided to give in...)

Oh, and . That's just disgusting. But typical.

Yeah - if I had known I would need to tell them the same thing twice, I would have done that sooner, but sadly gave them the benefit of the doubt and assumed they knew what they were doing

Always a mistake...

Did I ever tell you guys how they even managed to fail firing me from education ?

Early July, I know (from unofficial but sure sources) that I am getting fired. I know it will take a while, because it all has to go all the way up to the Ministry, and then back again, so I am expecting a few months' wait.
Before leaving the flat I had for the year and going back to my parents', I go to the local education authority (my local bosses, basically), to tell them my new address.
I actually watch as the lady puts it into the computer.
And I wait.
And I wait.
Meanwhile, I'm not officially fired, so I still get paid.
For nothing.
But that also means I can't apply for unemployment benefits, or find another job.
"But you're still getting paid" is the answer I get when I call them.
So I stop calling them.
And I wait.

Early November, the local education authority calls my parents' place, asking to speak to me.
Them - Hey, it's weird, we still haven't received your avis de reception (**), how come you didn't go retrieve the letter from the Post Office ?
Me, already knowing where this is going - Huh, where did you send it ?
Them - Erm, huh, /my old address, which I told them was not to be used any more and the took note of it and everything/
Me - Ah, yeah, I don't live there any more, and I'm pretty sure I had told you, back in July, actually.
Them - Ah, errr, let's see, what's your new address ?
Me - Superfrenchie, the internet, France.
Them - Ok, well, we'll just send it again, then.

And this is how I got paid for almost a month more than I should have, because someone somewhere took the wrong address.

Then again, I actually received my pay for over two more months after that, but they did end up asking for that back (over a year later).


** Avis de reception (English: Advice or acknowledgment of receipt) is a postal service returning to the sender a form or card signed by the recipient. This is evidence that the letter was received, and these forms (or cards) are frequently seen with legal endorsements. (Wikipedia says it better than I could). **

So, they actually sent a registered letter (that's what we call it when you have to sign for the letter), and they still didn't wise up to the fact that you hadn't got it?

Truly, bureaucratic incompetence is an international phenomenon. Probably intergalactic, as well.

There is an anecdote about a shipbuilder working at the (now long gone) huge shipyard Burmeister & Wain in Copenhagen, Denmark. He left his work for some time (because of vacation or illness or something like that) and when he returned his work group had become obsolete and disbanded and everybody had been sacked. Everybody but our friend here, since he had not been present.
Rumour has it that he received his pay check for years without doing anything. Whenever somebody asked him what he was doing he answered he had been sent to fetch a wheelbarrow.
It would be difficult to get this story verified but that doesn't necessarily mean it isn't true. This really was a big shipyard. In its heyday it employed 10,000 people.
And it is a good story anyway