h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

aww no one wants to fight here...

*Hint, hint, lulled into false sense of security...*

*evillene takes advantage of gugischild's false sense of security and jabs a sharp elbow into his stomach. he doubles over in pain and she kicks him in the face/head/corresponding body part. he falls to the ground, groaning, and she kicks him in the stomach*

[evillene] overweight, eh? look who's talking, you overgrown... THING!!!!

[sea] this will only end in tears...

[evillene] shut up, you!

*evillene pulls out her sword, then remembers the last time she cut gugischild and puts it away. she settles for kicking him in the stomach again*

[NYC] hey! that looks like fun, but you know what could make it even better?

[evillene] what?

*NYC pulls out a slightly pockmarked aluminum baseball bat with a red tinge on the end. he hands it to evillene. a very evil grin appears on her face*

[NYC] now be careful of betsy there, we've been through a lot...

Giguschild uses the momentum of his on-floor rolling to swing himself round and knock both NYC and evillene over with his tail. His hand swings round and grabs the baseball bat from the surprised evillene's hand. As the other two lie on the floor, Giguschild bends the baseball bat into a mobius shape and smashes it into the wall, breaking it.

"Oopssss, sssorry" he hisses and throws the piece of metal onto the recumbent form of NYC. "I didn't mean to. Honessstly...?" Then he slumps against the wall to recover from the beating. He takes off his splintered Oakleys and puts them in his suit pocket.

NOOOOOoooooo!!!...

*sniff* this bat... make me the super-villian that I am now... you are going to DIE, Giguschild!

*NYC hands his handheld howitzer to evillene, and she pumps for salvos the size of coffee mugs into Giguschild while NYC mourns his fallen comrade*

[oops, that should be "made", not "make"]

[and "four", not "for". Man, I can't spell today]

Ow! Ooh! Arrgh! Yowsas!

Giguschild rolls around the entire floor of the forum, with four appreciably big holes in him, spewing acid all over the shop. The floor starts hissing and spitting blobs of corrosive metal.

Sea: Damn! I thought something like that might happen!

NYC is too busy mourning over the bat to notice that Giguschild has come to a halt, the reason being that he has bumped into NYC's legs. NYC doesn't seem to notice himself slowly sinking as his legs dissolve into pathetic, sticky pink pools.

It is at about this time that the floor collapses and Giguschild, NYC and sea fall into the cellar below. Immediatly the h2g2 repair matrix comes into play and spreads a glowing net of green lines where the floor used to be; within 30 seconds, it looks as if nothing has changed.

Underneath, in the cellar, can be heard the grievous moanings of NYC, the hurt screechings of Giguschild, and the shouted complaints of sea. But everyone ignores them, because they are heartless, callous automotons of human nature. Evillene takes the opportunity to go and paint sea's room black and put up death-metal posters.

Now look! That's another pretty mess you've gotten us into!

*sea mutters some rather unladylike words as she lifts the rapidly dissolving NYC out of giguschild's acidic blood and gives him a kiss on the cheek to heal him. she then turns into the kindergarten teacher and drags him out of the cellar by his ear, lecturing him all the way about how it isn't a good idea to cause the blood of an acid-blooded being to be spilled*

*sea then notices a smudge of black paint on evillene's cheek and her eyes widen*

[sea] you didn't!!!

*sea disappears, then reappears again and tackles evillene without another word*

*punch*

*kick*

*slap*

*hair pull*

*scratch*

*NYC mutters some ungentlemanlike words as he gets dragged out by his ear, which causes a bar of soap to find itself stuffed down his throat*

MMmmfFF MMMMMFFFGHH MmmmmffgghHHH Mmmmff--Ptoo!-- go evillene!!

*sea-kindergarten-teacher gives NYC a withering look, causing him to writhe about in fear. suddenly sea smacks herself in the head and turns back into regular sea*

[sea] sorry, NYC. i couldn't hold her back....

have you tried medication?

*sea slaps NYC*

[sea] been there. tried that. doesn't work. she's too damned strong.

[evillene] she doesn't have much of a track record in dealing with multiple personalities. where do you think angel came from?!

[sea] *blushes to roughly the color of a tomato* EVILLENE! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST TOLD THEM THAT!!!!!

so not only is your multiple personality a superhero, but a different gend--OOF!

*sea tackles NYC and duct-tapes his mouth*

[sea] don't EVEN say anything.

[evillene] you should have met her OTHER person--

*sea decks evillene and duct tapes her mouth and wrists*

[sea] anyone else care to comment?

*crickets can be heard chirping in the background*

*chirp* *chirp* *chirp*

*chirp* *chirp* *STOMP* *smashsmashsmashsmash*







*chirp* *STOMP STOMP* *smashsmashsmashsmashsmash*











*chi-- STOMP smashsmashsmash*










*chirp chircp chirp*

[sea] good.

[sea] *ignoring the two taped-up villains* now. moving on....

*As sea begins her lecture/stream of abuse, a metal spike apears in the roof. It swiftly cuts a circle in the metal, which falls to the floor and lands on NYC's newly reformed leg. At the same time, UH drops neatly to the floor infront of sea, who he promptly headbutts (equal gender opportunities and all that). He goes to giguschild and wakes him up.*

*points at villains* 'Seek! Bite!'

A mere five minutes ago, Giguschild was hit by four high velocity howitzer shells. The shockwaves would have been enough to reduce an appreciably thick concrete wall to dust. Giguschild looks balefully up at UH.

"Rod off," he hisses vehemently.

"Anyway, it'sss hardly appropriate for me to just rush at them, isss it? That would be a severe wassste of resources." And with that he crawls into a small and painful corner to wait for himself to heal.

*muffled screams and a stream of blood come from NYC's direction*