Journal Entries
is it just cos i have P.M.T?
Posted May 29, 2004
This is a letter I wrote to a friend. I'm never going to send it to her it was just a way of making myself feel better. I don't know why I'm putting it on here, possibly because i need a release.
Hey Bird,
You know when you wrote me a letter and you were listening to the music that reminded you of all the stuff with **** and ***? Well I remember reading it and seeing where the tears had smudged the ink a bit (that actually made me cry my love) and thinking how bloody hard it must have been for you to write and how bad you must have been feeling but how you must have felt loads better for a little while at least for getting it off your chest well...
I was just listening to some music that reminds me of home, the stuff we used to listen to like Santeria and Road Trippin n stuff and I had this overwhelming feeling that I'm not allowed to be myself anymore and I just felt absoloutley horrible. Remember when I told youI was afraid of loosing my old identity and changing to fit what other people want? I think very slowly I've let little things change just because it's easier and now I don't know what the hell's going on. And it is only little things so I don't even know if i'm justified in feeling sad about it but then I don't know if I feel like that just because ***** keeps making me feel stupid for being overly emotional even though he probably doesn't mean to make me feel bad and then I just end up going round in circles and don't end up feeling any better just that I've shut everything off because nobody wants to help me deal with it and I just can't face it on my own. See! I don't even know if i'm coming or going half the time. I feel so f*cking fakem and you know damn well how much fake people annoy me. I don't want to go out and drink anymore because I know that ***** hates me when I'm drunk even though he's my boyfriend who supposedly loves me. I don't want to smoke anymore because ***** makes me feel 3 inches tall when i do. I apparently have all these things wrong with me that I just wasn't aware of back home because nobody had a prblem with them. I'm suddenly made to feel clingy, agressive, moody, argumentative. I may be doing a f*cking degree but I'm still 'stupid', I'm looked down at CONSTANTLY and the hardest thing is I never get told I've done something well or I'm doing a good job or I'm good at anything.
I was in here earlier crying my f*cking eyes out just because I didn't know what else to do and ***** didn't even give me a hug and anyway I had to pretend I was just being an overly emotional woman because that's what he thinks I am
I just want to come home bird where I am NEVER begrudged a hug by you or mam or anyone and i can actually feel proud of my achievements because someone will tell me if i've done well and genuinely cares if i achieve something. I don't want to feel i'm doing wrong when i feel sad because I can't help it. I don't want to be a little pet puppy that comes when she's called. I love ***** so much bird and he can make me so happy but other times he makes me feel so ashamed of myself when i have nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes all I want is a god damn hug. I miss you bird and I miss home and I miss sitting and smoking and talking b*llocks for hours and I miss feeling safe.
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Latest reply: May 29, 2004
scary serious stuff.....quick hide!
Posted May 14, 2004
well flippin 'ell, madame terrance is writing yet another serious journal entry. this is getting to be a bit of a habit, quick someobody save me from myself!
Anyway I'm doing this research essay on performance artists and in particular the ones that use pain or ritual in their performances. The direction I'm going in at the moment is trying to find the purpose of pain in performance. At the moment I'm on the track of rebelling against the helplessness of not being able to communicate adequately the pain involved in issues such as feminism, religious beliefs and ethnic persecution.
At the mo my subjects are Ron Athey, Gina pane, Franko B and Orlan. I would be very grateful if anyone had any views on the subject or if they knew of any other performancce artists that might be useful.
thankee you lovely lovely people.
scruff X
Discuss this Journal entry [4]
Latest reply: May 14, 2004
a big fat sorry
Posted May 9, 2004
Do you ever have those days where you wake up and the first few things that come out of your mouth p*ss someone off so then you decide to just go with it if that's the way it's gonna be. I seem to be stuck in one of those days today so i ask forgiveness right now of anyone I have offended, irritated, or just plain p*ssed off. However that doesn't mean i'm gonna stop being a pain in the ass for the rest of the day hokies?
scruff X
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Latest reply: May 9, 2004
shma
Posted Apr 17, 2004
D'ya know what I'm so damn fed up with being a supposedly responsible 'young lady' (there was never a more laughable sentance other than perhaps 'here have the last piece of double chocolate cheescake i don't mind') so from now on I'm going to be a shminky. When I find out what a shminky actually is I'll let you know but for now I'm just telling you that I am one. I doubt that shminkys have any particular beliefs or traditions but I'm working on making some up as we speak. If anyone would like information on shminkys or have been effected by any issues involving shminkys then the helpline number is........01239 stop being a prat.
Discuss this Journal entry [26]
Latest reply: Apr 17, 2004
NOT my fault I'll have me know
Posted Feb 29, 2004
dude! could it be, madame scruff is writing a serious journal entry,well yes, yes she is because i am rather peeved annoyed and really quite angry (and many other words that won't get modded) I'm at my fathers house and once again there is an atmosphere. Dearest father and dearest father's significant other (who is a lovely lovely but completely mad lady) are not talking because dearest father has been a sh*t to his lovely significant other's kidlets. Now the kidlets are being all irritating and clingy (don't hactually mind too much as kidlets are crazy fools who i love to bits)
HOWEVER zis isn ot the problem dr. ze problem is that this sorta thing only ever happens when i come over as dearest father feels the need to prove himself to dearest daughter (guilt complex due to dearest, rather rich, father never paying maintenance when daughtys were children hence children having to make do with the backs of manky garages and whatever sticks/bricks/needles we could find to play with. i'm not complaining though I loved it but looking back was still pretty mean thing to do) and zis need to prove himself results in him being a sarcastic git to everyone especially lil defenceless kidlets to prove how big and clever he is. Zis results in everyone getting annoyed and big arguments ensue which is when dearest daughter runs away onto computer with clingy kidlets while battle continues. and being a regular occurance i iz finding it more and more difficult to convince myself that i iz not starting it.
shma!
scruff X
Discuss this Journal entry [5]
Latest reply: Feb 29, 2004
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