Journal Entries
Upcoming Holidays!
Posted Nov 20, 2006
This is the first time I've felt like decorating for the Holidays since my husband died. Hooray. And, I'm heading down to my parents' house Thursday for (American) Thanksgiving. I've been getting goodies together to take and contribute to the feast.
We went for a walk yesterday past the FIXER house, and it has an offer. Problem solved (for US anyway). I've even started my Christmas shopping--if it sounds early, consider that my job will become more demanding as Christmas approaches. I even picked up ingredients for cookies. Yesterday, I made chicken and dumplings from scratch.
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Latest reply: Nov 20, 2006
Movie Weather
Posted Nov 18, 2006
Movies I can recommend:
Searching for the Wrong-Eyed Jesus
Who Killed The Electric Car?
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Latest reply: Nov 18, 2006
It finally FEELS like November
Posted Nov 13, 2006
I've spent most of today inside, watching the rain come down more sideways than not. The beautiful leaves cover the streets. There is a cold bite in the air that makes me feel excited.
I'm getting a great deal of overtime at work. And I'm starting to think seriously about going back to school. I've been out since January of 2004. Still, it seems like I have so far to go; and I'd have to go part-time since I'm supporting myself now. Sometimes I wonder about entering an apprenticeship program, maybe do something like become an electrician. Sure, it would be a real dream to be a librarian, but I'm really only halfway to my first degree, and I'd need a masters.
I'm also kind of looking for a house to buy. At least to have as a rental. I have a few projects at home to keep me occupied, like painting a bedroom and bathroom, replacing some outdated light fixtures, adjusting grade to prevent water collecting under the house, cleaning out my storage unit, selling stuff I don't need; you know just life in general.
My roomate and I were considering going in halvesies on a fixer. That should read FIXER. It has been sorely neglected for at least twenty years; there are moss and ferns growing on the roof, the deck is unsafe to walk on, the old field fences are sagging terribly. You can see where ivy was allowed to grow on the siding, and a downspout has been re-routed and makes me suspect that there may be drainage problems. It is on a steep hillside, so has a partially unfinished walk-out basement and really incredible views (once the trees are thinned and the ivy out). It's on half an acre adjacent to an open-space park, the neighborhood is really great and quiet. The original mid-century architecture is intact, with good panelling and hardwood floors, and two fireplaces (I wonder, in what kind of shape the flues are). Fixed up, it would easily go for more than twice what we would pay for it, and we could do quite a bit of work ourselves. But it's a LOT of work--the windows are original, there has been no updating of plumbing fixtures, counters, cabinets, appliances, etc. Just to move in, we'd need to re-roof, at least tear out the old deck, and put good fences up. The house would be very difficult for the average household to finance, but the two of us would be able to do it and make the improvements. However, it's a LOT of work.
Well, I guess we'll think about it for a while.
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Latest reply: Nov 13, 2006
Three years plus five days
Posted Oct 29, 2006
I stopped by the store where my deceased husband worked. Went less well than I hoped. One of my husbands co-workers from a previous job has hired on at his last store--she says it's as good as he'd told her it would be, and she should have made the move years ago. I'm glad too, she certainly deserved a better place to work.
I've decided I'm far more angry at my former in-laws than I thought. By not continuing to communicate with them there is no chance to reconcile or even tell them why I'm upset with them; but I chose to loose touch with them because I understood that reconcilliation on my terms is out of the question and to remain in touch with them would just be more painful for me. So, maybe a solution would be to write them a letter (even if I never send it). That's kind of what I've done with my h2g2 journal... I've also had the urge to write to Jon's original physician and let him know that Jon died of exactly what I'd asked him to help with. I don't want to sue the guy, just urge him to help his other patients who may have the same problem.
I grabbed two huge pumpkins to carve for Halloween, and this will be the first time I've done anything to commemorate a holiday since Jon died.
I miss my kitties profoundly. But at least I have greyhounds to snuggle with, and I know they would purr if they could. The whole experience of preparing my house to sell, selling it, and moving really took a lot out of me. It was both exhausting and shocking to my system. But, it has reduced my stress to a more managable level.
I watched "Lonely Are The Brave" a couple of nights ago. There was an interesting point in there, that having attachments to other people can limit the committment you can make to what you believe, and tempers your values to some extent. And that not participating in a culture tends to make that culture suspicious of you. And that the difference between picking a fight and manipulating the other party into starting the same fight can make you appear blameless. And that knowledge of a thing makes you a party to it to some extent--to admit knowledge and claim total innocence is often a fallacy. So, now I'm in the mood to see "The Magnificant Seven" again.
I can also recommend "The Power of Nightmares." You'll never think about voting the same way after seeing even one part of the three-part documentary.
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Latest reply: Oct 29, 2006
Almost three years since
Posted Oct 17, 2006
In one week, it will be the three-year anniversary of when my husband died. I'm feeling sad, distracted, angry, and I'm probably not a lot of fun for the people at work right now. I think I'm sleeping tensed up because I'm achy all over. I'm angry at my late husband--for not taking better care of himself, for not having life insurance, for leaving his affairs in such a mess for me to sort out. I'm angry that he spent so much money on stuff he did not need and I have to sort out and dispose of. For having important papers randomly placed in boxes full of junk mail from 1983. For thinking he'd never die, just because he thought that aknowledging that it would eventually happen would somehow make it happen.
I'm angry at the mechanic he used; for assuring me that the odd behavior my truck made was nothing to be concerned about, but it was and it should have been relatively simple to figure out (if you used a mechanical, rather than computer-based diagnostic process).
I'm still angry at his family, for being self-centered, childish, inconsiderate, idiots. But also very relieved to be rid of them. I'm angry at myself for still being so angry at them--and so angry in general.
I'm angry that I still haven't made significant progress in going through the stuff I have in storage. I miss having a decent-sized mixing bowl to use. I'm angry because if things had remained the same, I'd be in grad school and nearly in a career I think I'd really enjoy. I wouldn't have to worry about how to afford the medicines I need to keep some hold on sanity and health. I miss the way the autumn sun would shine into the kitchen today, in the house I sold. I miss the kitties. I miss the place I was going to school, the people. I'm angry that to get to the stuff I want to get from the storage unit, I have to go through a bunch of his stuff first. And some of the stuff I have where I live require keys somewhere further back in storage.
I'm not concentrating well, and finding it hard to fill out paperwork. I'm frustrated by things at work that normally I'd just shrug off. I actually miss going to Board of Education meetings, so I think I'll have to plan to drop in on the next one at my old college.
The anniversary of the memorial service will be Sunday the 29th, just before Halloween. The anniversary of the last day my husband was alive is Sunday the 22nd. My workplace has a mandatory meeting scheduled then, and I normally work the early-early shift on weekdays. I'm not sure I'll be very effective if I show up then. I'm afraid that Monday, especially, It will be hard to concentrate on work with all the memories of the chaos three years before. It is already distracting.
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Latest reply: Oct 17, 2006
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