Journal Entries
Hollow versus endearing
Posted May 15, 2006
So, at my husband's memorial service, his oldest brother got up and said a few words. He will always remember that my husband always had a nice car and always dressed well, he said. Ah, bones of contention, those. My husband had an inordinate amount of consumer debt, in part because of his insistance on having a Marcos (remember the Phillipines?) sized wardrobe, and the fact that he sometimes did not own a car long enough to wash it (paying interest on depreciating assets, you know). Odd, I always thought of these things as shallow "putting-on-the-dog" posturing that undercut our financial security, but his brother thought of them as a healthy expression of his self-esteem and pride. I think he shopped to try to fill some hole in his self-esteem. But I won't say anything about it to them, because they don't need to be "told" who he was. They should keep the nice memories they have.
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Latest reply: May 15, 2006
turning up like a bad penny
Posted May 15, 2006
So, after about ten months of peaceful solitary existence, my late husband's father is trying to get in touch with me. My valient parents have been fielding calls, and bless them, not giving out my phone number. First, it was the guilt-lure: "I'm SURE he would want her to stay in touch." First, my late husband would not be insistent on that point, even before taking into consideration the shabby treatment I've received. Then, it was some cockamaimy story about a utility company trying to contact me. I have never put my in-laws down as references for ANYTHING, so I doubt that. By now, I wondered what he wanted.
The latest is that my husband's middle brother has applied for a federal job, and they need my late husband's naturalization papers (he was born abroad) for that process. First, why did this brother not e-mail me, he has my e-mail address? Then, I think it's likely that my husband's mother has this in her files, plus, you can order this stuff from the consulate. Thirdly, my father-in-law is a retired air force officer, so he has a military record (this is why my husband was born in England); both of my husband's brothers attended the air force academy, so they have military records, too--surely this would have been sorted out at that time. Also, since I've completed the paperwork that I needed my husband's paperwork to finish, I have it all stored away SOMEWHERE in a "packed to the rafters" 10X15 (ft) storage unit. I don't have the luxury of dropping everything I'm doing (like working for a living) and paying beefy guys to help me sort through all that stuff to find two small file cabinets. We'd NEVER get the rest of it back into the same amount of space. Even if it is a "department of homeland security" issue, I can't feel good about helping someone with ZERO social aptitude get the kind of job that this would imply (like as an analyst).
I have stated in the past that they should contact me via e-mail, so I e-mailed the two brothers and their father that the paperwork is inaccessible for a minimum of several months and that the consulate might be quicker. The address I have for the brother who needs this bounced back. Neither the father nor the other brother have responded; but, my parents haven't heard from them, either. So, I suppose they got the message.
So, why do I treat my late husband's father with such suspicion? He lies to manipulate people. He once told his wife that he was dying of cancer to try to get her to agree to do something (like not move away). He did not have cancer at all. She did not fall for it, because he has done this kind of thing in the past. His wife and their sons consistently question his motives when he asks for something--turns out he rarely needs what he's asking for (nor does the party on whose behalf he asks). I felt he was trying to manipulate me when he did not get the urn for the creamains--I'd feel sorry for him and show up or come through to get him off the hook. In the process, we might all become great friends (Ha). Imagine folks, this is officer material in the air force; comforting, huh?
His family thinks he is nosy, but I think he does it for attention and because he thinks it's somehow more legitimate to ask for a purpose than just chat. The parents have a real interest in their sons' assets, I suspect as leverage for manipulation. I just don't need this kind of tension and dynamic in my life. Either way, I end up being treated like a doormat, and those are not terms I am interested in enduring for their "friendship."
I have no intention of making their lives worse, I think they are making their lives worse all by themselves. They certainly don't need my help.
So, you can see that I don't like being lied to, manipulated, or told what to do. I intend to live my life on my terms, and want to be treated with respect and dignity.
Here's a new fly in the ointment. I just found out that an old boyfriend had a private detective find me. It seems that ceasing contact is not adequate to convey the wish to be left alone.
So, if the private detective contacted my in-laws, I hope he did not say something that would make them feel they should have an ongoing concern about me. Or make their son seem anything less than very special. Oy, vay. Also, this individual has my e-mail address, so could have contacted me himself. Plus, I sure hope the detective did not commit fraud in any way to get my information--I keep a very low profile, so it might have required some digging. I'm not exactly hiding, I'm just not very social and want to leave the smallest footprint I can on society right now. What a total invasion of my privacy. By law, detectives should have to get permission from the sought before revealing information to the seeker.
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Latest reply: May 15, 2006
Funeral Music
Posted May 13, 2006
My husband's dad wanted to choose some music for the memorial service. I put together a couple of CDs of stuff we both liked AND that would be appropriate, to listen to while we were around before and after. Just before the service, the funeral director asked about the music for the service; I refered the question to my father-in-law, and he hurried out to his car to get what he had. I had a funny feeling he'd forgotten that he was bringing it. Everyone expected something like the Moody Blues. What we got was, well, ODD. It sounded like sound effects for a haunted house. My husband listened (not often) to Tangerine Dream. What my father-in-law brought was "Goblin's Ball." And just a few days before Halloween. The minister was creeped out. The funeral director was creeped out. Many of my husband's associates were creeped out. I was creeped out. My associates from student government and the college administration found it "odd" to say the least. I imagine Jon was watching from heaven, laughing his head off.
Jon's dad spoke during the service. I could not possibly have, I was crying too much. I was surprized how lucid he was. He went on for at least about ten minutes about how ALL his sons were important to him, and that he did not have a favorite. He gushed about HIS SONS. No mention of his wife or me. Odd. Afterwords, people commented to me that they gathered that Jon WAS his favorite, and that was the impression I was under, too. My father-in-law's longtime business associates hurried to assure me that he thought highly of me during the reception; they obviously picked up on it, too. I felt badly for Jon's mom--it just seemed disrespectful to omit her from his comments about his family. The whole thing was very akward. I felt badly for Jon's other two brothers, too, because it just seemed like their dad was making a spectacle of the family dynamic, and that what he DIDN'T say said at least as much as what he DID say.
Jon's boss told some great stories about my husband, and one of the ladies he worked with told me about a couple of practical jokes he pulled. I was very glad to hear these things. The man who recommended I go out with Jon came with his wife, and I introduced them to Jon's dad and middle brother; they turned away almost immediately which obviously stunned the man and his wife who, I'm sure, just wanted to say some nice things about Jon and express their sympathies. They had worked with both of us for a number of years.
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Latest reply: May 13, 2006
Delivering the Ashes
Posted May 13, 2006
So, my dad and I drove three hours on a HOT day to deliver family mementos and half of my husband's ashes to my mother-in-law's house. We arrive about ten minutes early. I rang the doorbell--twice, with no answer. We sat in the hot sun till about twenty minutes after the agreed-upon time, and just as we were about to leave (no kidding), my father-in-law pulls up. He has a flower vase (with no lid) that he wants to put the ashes into. He wants to do it on the driveway, in the wind. We explain that this won't work because the ashes will blow away. He seems befuddled. He goes in the front door to open the garage door.
He comes out with his wife and middle son. They were in the house the whole time, but would not come to the door. We unload the stuff. Only my father-in-law says thanks. They do not invite us in for a cool drink, or even offer to bring something out. The middle son is who I sat next to during the memorial service. I cried terribly, the kleenex were just on the other side of him, but he did not pass any to me. When his mother (further down the row) cried, he lept to action to pass the box to her, though. My aunt in the row behind me passed me some kleenex. I had made a point to sit with my in-laws, because I felt that doing so would show that I considered myself part of their family.
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Latest reply: May 13, 2006
The State Of The Union
Posted Feb 1, 2006
1.) The United States of America is NOT a democracy, it is a republic. Always has been. We have democratic principles. Or we used to have democratic principles. Because,
2.) The Constitution was designed to protect people (not just citizens) from their government, but this government is currently eroding these rights. Cases in point:
A.) The President (W) was in a meeting in the past year, and someone asked if the topic under discussion was constitutional. He replied that "the Constitution is just a *&%#$@)!# piece of paper." This from an official whose sworn duty is to uphold the Constitution.
B.) Citizens are being spied upon without probable cause. Like a Quaker meeting in Florida. Like monitoring phone calls made by virtually any (possibly all) residents.
C.) Prisoners of war being moved from the region of the world where they were captured, to non-American regions specifically to avoid the need to treat them with the respect and rights accorded "all men" by our Consitution. Or the Geneva Convention, for that matter.
D.) Naturalized citizens being arrested without being charged, without representation or the opportunity to notify their own families of their whereabouts. Held for MONTHS without proper medical care, and without being found guilty by a jury of their peers. Or any trial, for that matter. Sounds like the actions of a small, unstable, non-mandated government with a poor civil rights record, doesn't it?
E.) An official of the government organization conducting the survailance of citizens states that the "probable cause" article in the Bill Of Rights does not contain the phrase "probable cause;" it does, incidentally (and I suspect that's why we refer to it as the "probable cause" article). I don't suppose ignorance of the Constitution would help such a person or organization avoid violating the Constitution, do you? (Sarcasm)
F.) Staged "questions" during press conferences--sounds a lot like propaganda from a small, unstable, non-mandated government with a poor civil rights record AND lots to hide, doesn't it?
3.) The State Of The Union Address is NOT a dialogue with the Nation; it is an ADDRESS. Go figure. That's for the analysts and press who seem a little confused, by the way.
4.) America has become what the framers of its Constitution hoped to avoid. Yet, our Commander-In-Chief purports to bring the ideals of this Constitution to the people of the world, even if it means killing tens of thousands of them. Or is it just a &$)@%!!*&# piece of paper? America was founded on ideals, not paper, in any case. We have trouble living up to those ideals, granted. But the biggest problem should NOT be two of three branches of the government (of the people, by the people, and for the people) turning on those very people.
My appologies, citizens of the world. Much of what this Republic has become DOES NOT represent what I believe. Benjamin Franklin once said that there ought to be a revolution every 75 years or so, just to prevent corruption and perversion of any government. Maybe he was right.
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Latest reply: Feb 1, 2006
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