h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

In one week, it will be the three-year anniversary of when my husband died. I'm feeling sad, distracted, angry, and I'm probably not a lot of fun for the people at work right now. I think I'm sleeping tensed up because I'm achy all over. I'm angry at my late husband--for not taking better care of himself, for not having life insurance, for leaving his affairs in such a mess for me to sort out. I'm angry that he spent so much money on stuff he did not need and I have to sort out and dispose of. For having important papers randomly placed in boxes full of junk mail from 1983. For thinking he'd never die, just because he thought that aknowledging that it would eventually happen would somehow make it happen.

I'm angry at the mechanic he used; for assuring me that the odd behavior my truck made was nothing to be concerned about, but it was and it should have been relatively simple to figure out (if you used a mechanical, rather than computer-based diagnostic process).

I'm still angry at his family, for being self-centered, childish, inconsiderate, idiots. But also very relieved to be rid of them. I'm angry at myself for still being so angry at them--and so angry in general.

I'm angry that I still haven't made significant progress in going through the stuff I have in storage. I miss having a decent-sized mixing bowl to use. I'm angry because if things had remained the same, I'd be in grad school and nearly in a career I think I'd really enjoy. I wouldn't have to worry about how to afford the medicines I need to keep some hold on sanity and health. I miss the way the autumn sun would shine into the kitchen today, in the house I sold. I miss the kitties. I miss the place I was going to school, the people. I'm angry that to get to the stuff I want to get from the storage unit, I have to go through a bunch of his stuff first. And some of the stuff I have where I live require keys somewhere further back in storage.

I'm not concentrating well, and finding it hard to fill out paperwork. I'm frustrated by things at work that normally I'd just shrug off. I actually miss going to Board of Education meetings, so I think I'll have to plan to drop in on the next one at my old college.

The anniversary of the memorial service will be Sunday the 29th, just before Halloween. The anniversary of the last day my husband was alive is Sunday the 22nd. My workplace has a mandatory meeting scheduled then, and I normally work the early-early shift on weekdays. I'm not sure I'll be very effective if I show up then. I'm afraid that Monday, especially, It will be hard to concentrate on work with all the memories of the chaos three years before. It is already distracting.