h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hello Phlook! I'm your UnderGuide Gem Polisher, sent to work on 'Embracing Limbo' ... the UG version of which can be seen here:

A13080359

All I've done so far is to put it into GuideML, add the UG blob and clear out a couple of typos.

What I'm going to do next (and when I say 'next', I mean in the next few days ) is go through it with a fine toothcomb and then report back here with any suggestions or queries.

Because this is the UnderGuide, you are in charge, so they will all be suggestions - and you can ponder, accept and reject as you please.

So, I'll be back soon. Sorry about the delay, by the way, but it's summer and hootoo does go a bit quiet, the UG bits included

thanks look forward to hearing from you

Hello Phlook

I'm really sorry to have taken so long over this Real life took a turn for the busy so I've been a bit stretched recently.

Anyway, I've now gone through and cleared up a few typos and one or two tiny bits of punctuation.

Actual suggestions and one or two slightly bigger changes follow. Now, please bear in mind that I'm asking, not telling - the way you want it is the way it's going to be: so with any or all of these, let me know what you think (and if you want to come up with something else, please let me know that too). It's a hefty list, so if you want, you can just copy and paste my comments into a reply and give them a 'yes/no/idiot!/what were you thinking?' as applicable

Here we go then:

"His eyelids fluttered slightly, besides which he could be easily mistaken for a corpse"

'Besides which' doesn't sound quite right there - 'apart from which'? 'Other than that'?

"What he did was entirely his own decision"

That one shifts tense a bit awkwardly from what precedes it - maybe "What he did was to be entirely his own decision"?

"He was in control of his world, where did this serpent come from ..."

Bit of a lurch after 'world' - a colon rather than a comma, or maybe a 'so' in there?

"even though his side seared with pain" - is 'seared' the right word there? Seems to need a 'was'...

"so he hardened himself, distanced from all reality" - 'distanced' is a little ambiguous there: that may be exactly what you want, but I thought I'd mention it ('became distanced'?)

"after a couple days" - sometimes you use an 'of' after 'couple' and sometimes not: I've stuck one in there and in 'couple minutes' below that.

"His laughing digressed to light sobbing" - another one where I wondered if 'digressed' was the word you wanted there.

"18" - would you prefer that written out in full? (There's a '3' further on too).

"every once and awhile" - changed to 'every once in a while'

"hopeful to catch him in pain" - 'hoping'?

"mastered controlling it, in any case" - I've broken that into two sentences.

"much more than the till" - I don't know this one What's a 'till'?

"once an apple. His only link left" - run those two sentences together?

"He quickly cleaned his tray" - 'cleared'?

"Noticing the youth looking at him, anger engulfed his expression"

With the change in point of view here, the 'him's and the 'he's start to get a bit confusing. My suggestion would be to start a new paragraph there and change what would be its opening sentence to: "Noticing the youth looking at him, anger engulfed the man's expression" That just makes it a bit clearer.

""Come on, let me buy you something to eat" the boy asked" - it's not a question, so 'asked' sounds odd. 'Suggested'? Or just 'said'?

"and shouldn’t turn down the hopeful youth" - it's not clear where that 'shouldn't' is coming from ("and knew he shouldn't..."?)

"a table of a quaint" - 'a table in a quaint'?

"who he was talking about they hadn't noticed anyone" - I've stuck a dash in after 'about'

And that's it Hope to hear from you soon.

Hey, i think i pretty much agreed with everything, some excellent suggestions. notes are between:
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and underneath each statement, hopefully it's easy for you to spot them, thanks so much for editing my story! no problem about the time, life can get pretty hectic, and i'm in no huge rush, not in the slightest glad to hear from you!


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"His eyelids fluttered slightly, besides which he could be easily mistaken for a corpse"

'Besides which' doesn't sound quite right there - 'apart from which'? 'Other than that'?

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'Apart from which' sounds best there i'd say
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"What he did was entirely his own decision"

That one shifts tense a bit awkwardly from what precedes it - maybe "What he did was to be entirely his own decision"?

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Sometimes get too caught up in writing to notice tenses makes alot more sense that way though
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"He was in control of his world, where did this serpent come from ..."

Bit of a lurch after 'world' - a colon rather than a comma, or maybe a 'so' in there?

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so would be better, i think a colon wouldn't be quite right in the context
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"even though his side seared with pain" - is 'seared' the right word there? Seems to need a 'was'...

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was racked is all i can think of at the moment, i'll trust your judgement if you can think of a better adjective.. complete blank, but i agree, seared just isn't exactly right
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"so he hardened himself, distanced from all reality" - 'distanced' is a little ambiguous there: that may be exactly what you want, but I thought I'd mention it ('became distanced'?)

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Became distanced, though i try and maintain a certain aura, convoluted grammar is not one of the ways i do it
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"after a couple days" - sometimes you use an 'of' after 'couple' and sometimes not: I've stuck one in there and in 'couple minutes' below that.

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Same thing with tenses, i'm kind of unobservant to the small things like that. Pop them in there
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"His laughing digressed to light sobbing" - another one where I wondered if 'digressed' was the word you wanted there.

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deteriorated, or simply 'slowly became'
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"18" - would you prefer that written out in full? (There's a '3' further on too).

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out in full definitly, i'm completely against using actual numbers, i'm just lazy and miss stuff in final editing
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"every once and awhile" - changed to 'every once in a while'

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never written that out before, only heard it spoken, i guess i've been hearing wrong!
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"hopeful to catch him in pain" - 'hoping'?

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yes
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"mastered controlling it, in any case" - I've broken that into two sentences.

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an excellent idea
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"much more than the till" - I don't know this one What's a 'till'?

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Till: The cash register, a cashier works a till [may be north american slang]
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"once an apple. His only link left" - run those two sentences together?

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should help the flow, sure
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"He quickly cleaned his tray" - 'cleared'?

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1 letter, huge difference.. i think cleared is better though, so change away
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"Noticing the youth looking at him, anger engulfed his expression"

With the change in point of view here, the 'him's and the 'he's start to get a bit confusing. My suggestion would be to start a new paragraph there and change what would be its opening sentence to: "Noticing the youth looking at him, anger engulfed the man's expression" That just makes it a bit clearer.

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That's a good idea, i tried to avoid naming my characters, detaching them and making them more enigmatic.. i definitly had trouble writing that part to make some sense in the readers mind..
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""Come on, let me buy you something to eat" the boy asked" - it's not a question, so 'asked' sounds odd. 'Suggested'? Or just 'said'?

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Suggested
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"and shouldn’t turn down the hopeful youth" - it's not clear where that 'shouldn't' is coming from ("and knew he shouldn't..."?)

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felt he shouldn't
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"a table of a quaint" - 'a table in a quaint'?

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yep
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"who he was talking about they hadn't noticed anyone" - I've stuck a dash in after 'about'

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ah the joys of punctuation.. it's always hated me, thanks for that one, it's perfect
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Thanks Phlook, wonderful - that's all done then.

'Till' is North American I think - I do know the word, I'd just never heard it used of taxis before. And then I thought 'well, what is the till in a taxi called, smartypants?' And I've absolutely no idea So 'till' it is

Look forward to seeing this on the Front Page some time in the next few weeks

Hey there - just to let you know you're on the Front Page!

Awesome! I saw myself down there and then clicked on random.. then incredulously went back and realised it was me!

Thanks alot for all your help editing!