Journal Entries
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Posted Oct 17, 2000
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal criminal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why he crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I have a dream of a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSAIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REGAN
What chicken?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossing the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextractable part of eChicken 2000.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?
GEORGE W. BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The Road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed
the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,
"Thou shalt cross the road," And the chicken crossed the road, and there twas much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Oct 17, 2000
20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters
Posted Oct 17, 2000
1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
.·°º¤ A good alternative to using a briefcase in #3 is to use CD's with a home made CD label that has TOP SECRET - Operation Nordic Flan stenciled on it. You can use those useless free CD's you get in the mail for AOL, free Email service, etc... ¤º°·.
4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.
5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.
6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
8. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"
9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run around the house, screaming until they go away.
10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.
11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.
18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.
19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.
Discuss this Journal entry [6]
Latest reply: Oct 17, 2000
My sweetie
Posted Sep 14, 2000
Well...my sweetie (Babydoll is her nickname...well, it's mine for her anyway.) is all moved in, 
her stuff got here this past weekend and we're trying to find space for it all. Fortunately, my place has some storage space for what we can't put out. Still and all, she has more clothes than anyone on the face of the earth and would give Emelda Marcos (sp?) a run for her money when it comes to shoes. 
I shouldn't winge on though, her style and 'elan is part of the reason I'm so crazy about her. I guess it's part of the price you pay for having that style. Why in the world she's interested in me, particularly when the most stylish I get is a pair of blue jeans and gym shoes, usually with a button-down shirt of some neutral color with the sleeves rolled up and pens in the pocket, is beyond me. However, I'm thankful that she is, particularly as she's such a knockout! 
I have to go and meet her family this Thanksgiving and am already sweating over it. The man who's stared death in the face numerous times, been under fire by people trying to kill him and treated people for traumatic amputations and did triage in the middle of the burning wreckage at the Ramstein Air Disaster back in the 80's, all without blinking an eye or panicking in the least bit. BUT, going to meet my sweet-hearts Mum and Da has got me chewing my fingernails and pacing the floor nights, go figure!
~§~
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Sep 14, 2000
Going up?
Posted Sep 14, 2000
I'm not saying this is a TRUE story, only that it very well could be.
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a five story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So...they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't what they want, so they continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads, "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better and so, knowing there are still two more floors to go, they keep on going up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect for them and it reads, "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are just about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they're missing, they get back into the elevator and head on up to the fifth floor.
When the doors open, they find a sign there that reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there IS no way to please a woman."
~§~
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Sep 14, 2000
Monday
Posted Aug 14, 2000
Today is a Monday. I hate Monday's. I'd rip them all off the calender if I could, but then we'd lose Sunday as well and I'm rather fond of them.
~S
Discuss this Journal entry [2]
Latest reply: Aug 14, 2000
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