h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Saw your plea for more input to your forum, so I thought I'd drop in and say "Wotcha!"

Wotcha!

So have you been to many F1 races at the actual tracks? I usually follow it on the TV, but have never quite got around to going along to one. Almost picked up a ticket to Silverstone this year. Given how it turned out I'm kind of glad I didn't!

Hiya!
Well this is impressive, two people messaging, oooh
I've only been to two F1 races, last years British grand prix and this years mudbath and it has to be said compared to last years roasting sunshine and beautiful blue skies this years event was . . . interesting You should have gone though it was still great fun, we camped there for the weekend so we didn't actually get stuck in any traffic just mud. Last year was good though because the drivers parade was still there but this year it was too foggy to see the mud let alone the track, never mind I met Richard Burns and Jenson Button this year which was greatly appreciated
Which drivers/teams do you support? Obviously I go for Irv but then Jacques (though I wish the Bars would hurry up and do something productive) and (apology in advance) Michael Schumacher although I can feel myself wandering to the direction of the Jenson fan base!

Well I would support Lotus if only they were still racing.

I'm getting bored of Maclaren, which kind of urges me towards a grudging support for Ferrari, although I think it's mostly Mika - it always pleases me when Coulthard gets ahead of him.

But I'm basically fickle. I have no strong affiliation to any single team. For no particular reason I've always wanted Jordan to do well though.

I applied for a job with BAR once...

I'm back, I have spent three days living in Hope, sleeping in Hope, eating in Hope, writing in Hope, walking in Hope ummm, talking in Hope . . . O.K so I've been camping in Hope, Derbyshire but the connotations amuse me so I thought I'd use as many as possible so I could sit and chuckle to my self, ooh wait " sun bathing in Hope"

Yes well, Lotus? Hmmmm, quite Glad to hear you're not a McLaren fan as I have had many nasty moments when I've found myself moaning about Mika (and laughing at his pink sunglasses - maybe that's just a girl thing but can we all say "NO") only to discover the person in question is his biggest fan or related to him by their second aunts, cousins, grannies, uncles (how do you spell uncle? that looks so bizarre) dogs next door neighbour . . .anyway you get the picture. I have never been able to support Mclaren for the rather weak reason that they seem to have no spirit to them, I mean you look at Jordan and there's EJ bouncing away and doing Irish fairy dances (Spa 99 I'm not mad) and then at Ferrari there's the Tifosi, BAR theres Jacques, Craig and Jock but at McLaren you have Ron Dennis who whilst being brilliant doesn't exactly enthuse or inspire excitement.

You applied for a job at Bar? (That's quite parrotesque ) What to do?

Do you like other motorsports or strictly F1 as this would provide excellent opportunities to insert the phrase "I met Richard Burns" into a conversation for about the nine millionth time

Umm, O.K so that was meant to be Spa 98

I don't live in Hope, but I do live in hope...

So you don't like Mika either? Woohoo! You might like this story then. I went on a driving holiday last summer - from the UK down through France, down to Nice, across to Monaco, through the Alps in Italy, up through the Austrian tyrol (sp?), up through Germany, at which point I crashed my car (hey, it was on the Nurburgring, and at the corner where Niki Lauder had his infamous crash, so I'm in good company)... But anyway, in Monaco, we were taking a picture of our cars (me and 40 other Lotus Elise drivers - hence the affiliation to Lotus) and there was this gormless idiot in a big Mercedes in our way. So we told him to get the hell out of our picture. And then realised it was Mika Hakinnen.

At BAR I was just applying to be a software developer. But they were so massively oversubscribed for job applicants that they could afford to pay far less than the minimum I was prepared to work for...

I'm not strictly F1, although that's the one I pay most attention to at the moment. I like touring cars, but don't follow quite as assiduously as the F1. Fairly jealous about Richard Burns though.

I know exactly what you mean about Mclaren though. They don't really inspire the soul. Lotus on the other hand... (But maybe that's just what comes from getting to drive one on a regular basis. )

Aaah so you appreciate the dual context too then, I'm glad it's not just me who found it funnyI'd carry on with "I put my boots on in Hope" and "I conversed in Hope" but I feel the joke could wear quite thin after a while. . .well after the first time actually but nevermind, I've been going there for years and it still amuses me

I hate to say this but I'm going to have to make a rash and scandalous accusation, me thinks the reference to all the interesting places in Europe which you've frequented may have been intended to make one jealous. Me also thinks it may have been successful
Do you travel round lots then? I'd love to be able to do that, so far I have been stuck to GB but now I'm officially responsible (ha!) I have been allowed to frolick further afield and will be hopefully running off fairly soon to play in warmer (actually possibly not warmer as its 31degrees in the shade here) climates . . .Although not by plane because the side will fall off and we'll all crash to our doom . . . Or to Paris as we'll all die . . . Small hint for you don't see Final Destination unless you have no desire to leave the house ever again
Anyway, I strayed somewhat there, did you actually shout at Mika then? hehehehe, was Erja there? Why is she always on the TV? That's another one of lives unanswered questions

Can I just apologise in advance for going "NaNaNaNaNAh! I met Richard Burns and was photographed with him and chatted with him and got his autograph and generally worshipped the ground he walked on!" Sorry about that but you are the first person who I haven't had to prompt to make Ooooh noises at the photo of him and myself and possibly also the first person to not have gone "Richard who?" I will now calm myself and add as an afterthought that I met Jenson Button too who was very charming and polite. Oh and I think I met Alain Menu too, I know I met Jason Plato (which was annoying because I was hanging around in the pits waiting for Matt Neal and he never appeared), J.C Boullion (or something spelt similar), Martin Rowe, Derek Ringer, Juha Kankunnen(ooh heres a thought, Tommi Makkinen, Mika Hakkinen both Finnish champions at the same time, Makkinens failing to Burns, Hakkinens failing to Coulthard, hmmm and why does Makkinen look like the spit of Barrichello?), David Leslie, Laurent Aiello and Richard Burns Not that I spend a lot of time in the pits you understand I met most of them at the motorshows in 98 and 99 but then some of them were wandering around in the pits at the Touring Car final in Silverstone (which, I would like to add, was wetter and muddier and windier - oh wait maybe not muddier-than this years GP so I have no idea what everyone was moaning about)last year. I'm gonna move on now as there are way too many brackets for this to be making any sense

I would also like to point out that I am equally jealous of the fact that you seem to own a Lotus Elise (what colour/year?) but theoretically I own a TVR Tuscan Six Speed in chromaflair purple so there! Well, when I say theoretically I mean that some eveil bloke bought it from under my nose whilst I was stood admiring it at last years motorshow but I would have bought it otherwise...possibly...if they'd accept a payment of £1 a week for the next 39000 weeks . . . hmmm... O.K so I don't but I can dream I got to play in a Porshe Boxster which isn't quite as fun as the lotus, well no where near as fun if I'm honest, but I was still impressed by the acceleration.

And finally, did you watch the race? I assume you did so I'll carry on talking/typing. Wasn't it annoying with the BAR of Jacques? I was so sure he was going to finally do something and then he messed it up with the wrong tyre choice and then it all went horribly wrong when he rammed poor Ralph off the track (and did you notice Craig Pollock has bleached his hair? It has never been blonde before!). Verstappen was great though wasn't he, I always thought he was a great driver before he was booted out and everyone just laughed at my foolishness and now he's ITV's man of the race so that was quite pleasing. But my final comment has to be in relation to the master Schumi who is finally going to take the championship for Ferrari

Me trying to make someone jealous? Erm, probably wasn't the intention, sorry! (But I think I posted that having spent the entire afternoon in the pub, so who knows what I was talking about?) That was just a whistle-stop thing though - all of those locations were on a single holiday last year. (Driving round europe in a Lotus, hence the motorsport affiliation.) Anyway, you were going on about Richard Burns.

If it makes it any better, I hardly ever go on holiday - I've only been on 4 actual holidays in the last decade, and one of those was only for 2 days. However I do travel round lots, but it's usually work-related. (I've been to America twice in the last month! Once to Boston and once to LA.)

We did indeed shout at Mika. Most rewarding it was too.

You met Jenson Button too? You're just showing off now. (I suspect you may have more success getting people to go 'oo' with that one - he seems to have shot to wider fame for some reason...) And your list just goes on, so in a combined answering your question/revenge kind of thing , it's a 1998 (S reg) Lotus Elise in Nautilus Blue (looks like a very dark midnight blue in most lights, but is actually metallic, and goes a sort of petrol green where the sun catches it; that looks much nicer than my description makes it sound), with magnolia (I hate that name - make me think of naff interior decor, but I like the way it looks in the car) seats. All in standard trim with the exception of the alloy windscreen winders - arguably a bit naff, but I didn't like the way the standard plastic items feel like they're about to fall off in your hand...

Was it a standard Boxster or the S? When you say the Lotus was more fun, does that mean you've played in an Elise too?

Yes I did watch the race. Not a bad one, but as you say it was a bit disappointing with Jacques. Although it was interesting to see so much in-car footage from his car - it really seemed to be all over the place, but I was wondering if the BAR really is that twitchy, or whether you just don't notice how much the drivers are having to fight the things watching from outside. He seemed to be working much harder than most drivers...

LOL You don't have to apologise for making me jealous I thought it was funny and it is very easy to do, you only have to tell me you've seen a TVR and I get all sulky

It's also nice to know that other people are working as hard as me! Hearing of your afternoon in the pub made me almost feel my time is productive, having spent all of today either dozing in sun, chatting on the phone, reading a book (the excellent Language Instinct-I'm going to keep plugging it until someone tells me they find it interesting ), shopping (I blame that on the sun, summer clothes were needed and 27 tops were tried on with only 4 bought ) and just plain lazyness. I did see a very nice Alpha Romeo and a gorgeous Lexus but I was driving in the other direction and was unable to stop and drool

And, I would also like to point out that I was only going on about Richard Burns (who I met and chatted with hahaha)because you were foolish enough to admit knowledge of his existence and so I got overexcited by finally having found someone who would be suitably impressed. It has to also be said that still people won't go Oooh at Jenson, they either declare their love for him or go "he's such a nice young boy isn't he" which makes me have hysterics but I guess its wrong to laugh at the naive The Jenson thing is annoying because I was following his career last year too, even though he wasn't in F1, and was very impressed by his race at Silverstone. Now there's just millions of screaming girls declaring themselves to be F1 fans (for amusement you should go on the chatsite at www.jensonbutton.com its v.funny, it's been shut down once already) because they all fancy him but then I gues that's just another case of me laughing at the naive

You have a magnolia car? (let it be known that I am suppressing my laughter for the purpose of politeness ) Hmmm, me thinks you should have perhaps chosen a better name sort of off white or natural leather but Magnolia definitley has a "changing rooms/Laurence Llewelyn Boweyn" kinda feel to it. I'm sure it's very nice though! The exterior colour really does sound good though I think you did a better job of describing that, kind of like a mallard (well ish) but shiny and less ducklike I am now going to sulk again though as you have a chromaflair car which makes me jealous on its own but also reminds me of my beloved TVR I'm grinning too much today I'll have to try and control that, I think it's the sun that's doing it O.K so I have no self control! I also have a small suggestion for you, the wipers fit in the little holes at the front of the windscreen, the reason why they feel dodgy is because you're supposed to attach them to the car not hold them in your hand and wave quickly, just a suggestion!

I think it was a standard one but it was written off the other week so I'll have no way of knowing, such a shame... and it was a chromaflair paint job to Sadly I haven't played in an Elise I was just assuming it'd be more fun because they have more horsepower and the aerodynamics look much better than the Porsche (which I think was designed more as a corporate 'sports' car than an actual sports car).

When I was at Silverstone (and meeting Richard Burns) the BARs did look really twitchy but the Mclarens looked quite smooth so I think it just depends on the car. The Prosts looked appalling though, they were all over the place, made me wonder about the electronic devices scandal, what happened with that in the end? Mind you I don't think anything can be as bad as the Jaguars, I don't see how they can have dropped so much since last year. I felt so sorry for Irv, he tried so hard (that's a really girlie comment isn't it?) but he just kept breaking down or spinning off and even Johnny sounded angry in his interview with Louise and I don't think I've ever heard him sound cross before.

Anyway, I shall leave now as there's still a good few hours of sunbathing left and I need to go and find if I have anything to go with my new tops as I may have to spend tomorrow shopping again. Such a hard life

Well in that case...I saw a TVR yesterday. (While I was out for a spin in the Elise. )

Well I had a very relaxed weekend, but I'm working again now. And this week I'm teaching, which means I can't even sit and send emails all day whilst pretending to work!

I have a feeling I've heard of Language Instinct, who's it by?

With this whole Jenson Button mania, I can't help wondering if the rumours of his ride at Williams being in doubt weren't started cynically by Williams (or one of their sponsors) simply to generate extra sympathy for both Button and (when they oh-so-magnanimously give him a place next year) Williams...

I don't exactly have a magnolia car... Being an Elise the interior is predominantly the colour of aluminium! The seats and the trim on the sills is in what Lotus chose to call 'magnolia'. A lot of people have described it as an extremely pale tan colour though. It looks surprisingly good. I'll have to show you now... Sadly the only picture I've got online where you can see the seats is a bit crummy:

http://www.sticklebrock.demon.co.uk/Elise.jpg

and if you want to see what it looked like after an unfortunate lack of talent at the Nurburgring try this one:

http://www.sticklebrock.demon.co.uk/elise/elisebang3.jpg

Window winders, not windscreen wipers!

As for the Elise vs the Boxster, I've not driven a Boxster... But a friend of mine recently drove a few cars in order to decide which to buy: a Boxster, an Elise, an Impreza Turbo, an Audi TT and one other, I forget what. He bought the Elise! (But then he owned a Lotus Elan before that, so I suppose he was always going to be biased.) He said he actually found the Boxster pretty disappointing, and even preferred the Audi!! (Not that I dislike Audis - my 'practical' car is an Audi, but lovely cars though they can be, they're not really sports cars.)

The main thing about the Elise is not so much the horsepower as the fact that it (a) weighs so little and (b) has an unbelievably rigid chassis, both of which are mostly down to the fact that it's the only production car with a chassis made of aluminium extrusions glued together. It probably weighs about half what the Boxster does, so it's much more agile, and keeps you so much more in touch with what's going on underneath you. As for speed, well Porsche build big heavy cars with great big engines in, and the Elise is a tiny little car with a none-too-powerful engine. The Elise tends to leave most Porsches for dead up to about 50mph, but by the time you get to 100mph, the Porsche will tend to have the edge. (Although the Elise corners frightening well, so on a lot of race tracks it would probably still have the edge over a lot of Porsches. Exactly who wins where will depend on the particular model though, obviously...) In its standard setup it's great for use on the road, but starts to feel a bit wheezy on the straights when you take it on a track. Most of the people I know who go on regular track days have felt the need to upgrade theirs. (I'm thinking of doing the same at some point. )

But the other thing about the Elise is that it doesn't make many compromises. As with all Lotuses it requires a certain determation to put up with the lack of practicality. I love mine, so this is not a problem, but the market for people who actually want a sports car is much much smaller than the market for people who think they want a sports car. The Boxster is aimed squarely at that latter market. So IMO are things like the MGF, and the Audi TT.

Anyway, I'll stop my Lotus fanatic ranting now...

Back to the F1: they keep changing the rules&regs all the time as far as electronic assistance goes, so I'm never entirely sure what's going on. Active suspension went out years ago, and I thought that traction control went out at the same time. (I'm reasonably sure that ABS was outlawed then too, although I'm a bit hazy to be honest.) I thought the recent changes were to do with starts - lots of teams were turning on their pit lane speed restrictors during the start, which meant they would only get a very limited amount of wheelspin if they overdid it. And there were some rumours that some teams had actually built traction control into the pit lane speed restrictors. (This might explain why Schumi managed to run someone over in the pit lane recently - possibly he was getting more wheelspin than he'd been used to previously.)

I wasn't aware of any changes that would make any difference during the race though, just during the start. But I missed a couple of GPs due to travelling with work, so maybe I just didn't hear about it.

Hope the shopping and sunbathing were successful!

Hmmmmmm, I might not write anything today I might just sit and sulk...it's very tempting, (despite the fact that you were oh so obviously lying) to just sit and ignore you...seeing a TVR whilst driving a Lotus, honestly... How do you do a sulky face on this? Clearly they haven't thought the smiley thing through properly... oh hang on this'll possibly work :-p

Now I have that out of my system I'll continue to talk in a less stroppy fashion...but let it be known that it's only because you claim to have heard of my book not because I'm no longer sulking
The language Instinct is brilliant and it's by Steven Pinkers who is brilliant and it covers many brilliant topics such as Language and Thought (and why the Sapir-Whorf hypothesis is wrong which did admittedly depress me as I thought I knew something although now I can claim to know its a lie I guess), Language Instinct (obviously) grammatical structure and syntax (It is interesting honest)and lexical fields all of which are brilliant and he probably drinks milk too which is equally brilliant

O.K I'm confused now, are you a software bloke or a software teacher or do you just do conferences and teach software blokey things to other less intelligent software blokes? See even you're confused now

As revenge for the mean TVR thing (and because you get to play in a Lotus which is just generally unfair) I shall now blantantly laugh at you for owning a magnolia car, hahahahahahahahahaha I haven't actually looked at the pictures yet by I will do in a minute and then I shall return and apologise for laughing at your magnolia car because it probably isn't... and I have a better way for you to show me, if you get it delivered to a specified location then I'll umm... look at it and then return it...possibly...actually that's a bad plan as you may end up with significantly less Lotus than you started with

Where did I get windscreen wipers from? You must have written that, I take no responsibility for anything ever therefore its your fault

*briefly returns to sulking mode* You get to play with the Lotus on a track? hmmph. I bet it's not as quick as my fictional TVR though is it? Oh wait you're message reminded me of something else, I want a Subaru Impreza which just so happens to be the car driven by Richard Burns who, it just so happens, I have met hehehe (I'm going to have to learn to hide my jealousy ) BTW I think your Lotus fanatic raving is quite impressive but then it does tend to lead me to Richard Burns so maybe you'd better stop

I hope that your last comment about the master who is Schumacher is not in anyway derogatory as that would lead me to start chanting Schumi for champion again Besides they said it was two teams in the middle or bottom of the pack as it wouldn't affect the championship which leads me to believe that it was Prost and Stewart (hence the poor performance of the Jags this year). I just wondered if they'd ever revealed the cheats and I'd missed it...

Anyway, I'd better leave now before I fall asleep on the keyboard and type random trails of letters (I wonder if that'd have the same effect as the monkeys typing Shakespeare?). I shall also be able to ponder the thought as to why I'm tired when I've done nothing and could normally be happily dancing til 3 in the morning after having walked 20 miles up hills all day and not feel the slightest bit tired... (that's my pondering face in case you wondered),
Anyhow, Bye

I think the sulky face is , although that tends to look more sad than sulky. And I think the tongue-stuck-out smiley just looks like one with a big grin .

Well it sounds like the kind of book I'd be interested in. I expect I'll have heard of it because one of the people who lives in my house will have mentioned it at some point in the past. She's very interested in language (as am I), and seems to be able to read books at a phenomenal rate (I gather it's mandatory if you do a history degree), so it's probably one she's read and recommended to me at some point. At any given moment though I seem to have at least 6 month's of reading stacked up, at which point I stop borrowing books... Maybe I should make an exception for this one. (And anyway, I just finished a fairly massive tome, which means there's some space in the queue.)

So I've confused you as to what I do? Excellent. *cackles evilly* Oh I'm sorry, did I do that out loud? Must be a habit from when I used to let people think I did music at college because being a computer scientist had too much of a stigma attached. (To be fair I did spend about 10 hours a week singing, and a lot of time playing the trombone, and doing lots of other generally musical things, so people tended to leap to that conclusion without prompting. I just failed to disabuse them...)

But just to prove I'm not confused I'm a freelance software development type person. I also teach software stuff for a company called DevelopMentor. (http://www.develop.com/ - if you want any more information on what I do for them a brief techie-oriented screed about me can be found if you follow the 'Instructional Staff' link.) I teach once or twice a month for a week at a time, and spend the rest of the time doing whatever work I can find. This week I'm teaching in London, and feeling slightly paranoid about my car - the one next to it in the car park was broken into a couple of nights ago...

Well I still haven't met Richard Burns, but I have had a couple of goes in an Impreza Turbo. With the Prodrive engine upgrade. (My dad has one you see... It may begin to become clear as to where I get my car nut tendencies from. ) And yes, I think it would be rude to own a Lotus and not to take it on the track, so I do from time to time. Sometimes it's a bit hazardous though, as you'll see if you look at the second link I posted above! Is it as fast as a TVR on track? Well actually on one track day there were about 8 Elises and a couple of Cerberas. The Cerbera (sp?) definitely has a massive advantage on straight line speed, but it was clearly almost impossible to get round the corners in the wet - there was one corner they both spun on the exit from almost every time! But then we weren't racing, we were just there to have fun, so it's always possible that they were doing it deliberately. (Most of my spins were intentional that day. Honest. )

I wasn't particularly having a go at Schumi, just observing that he ran someone over... To be honest it's surprising it doesn't happen more often, the way that they always leave the pit stops in lurid tyre-smoking oversteer.

It's strange how doing nothing can wear you out completely but doing loads can leave you full of energy! I always find that I'm noticeably more alert even on the weeks when I'm teaching (I'm fairly animated when I teach, and it's a good deal better than sitting at a desk all day, which tends to be the form when I'm not teaching), but actually getting something approximating real exercise makes a massive difference.

Hmmm, This should be novel, I'm attempting to type in word and then transfer as the phone bill will be arriving any day soon and it's not being eagerly anticipated. Ooh this is bizarre, I've never used notepad before and I don't think I'll bother again, this is decidedly dodgy (how is dodgy not a word? Stupid spellcheck)...am now transferring to actual proper word processing thingy...blimey this fonts small…hmmm… you can almost hear the cogs turning Ooh didn’t know that! Word changes smiley symbols into actual smilies, you learn something new everyday O.K this is complete gibberish I’m going to type sensibly now… *thinks of sensible things*…never mind back to gibberish it is then I think I might be technically inept

O.K I’m going to attempt to be sensible…How do I get a smiley with a big grin? On the Eddie forum you can get animated smilies that cry (very useful lately) and wink and blow raspberries and do all sorts of fun things…I say you can get, I haven’t actually worked out how yet but it’s only been running for a week or two so I’m sure I’ll figure it out soon.

Guess what? (slowly realising there’s not much point to using rhetoric devices when not in real time)I‘ve found some one else who’s interested in syntactic structures!!! Well I say found a person, there’s a guide entry so I guess it’s more of finding an essence of person I don’t think I should spend so much time in the sun, it’s doing strange things to my brain. Actually I’ve had a very productive day today, I got up before 10am which allowed me to watch both the Teletubbies and the Tweenies which is always a good thing (although the Tweenies scare me but I assume you being a business man it’s unlikely you’ll have experienced ‘early morning’ childrens cartoons) and I was dragged to see “You Drive Me Crazy” (which was an extremely bad and warped version of Hell) at the cinema and then in order to make up for the torturous film I was forced to bowl (why don’t they make attractive bowling shoes? They could make more effort) and play air hockey which was much more fun. Do you know I don’t think I’ve actually written anything of substance or relevance yet? That’s quite impresive even by my standards

Right then, your stack of books cannot be as large as mine, last count I had a pile of 82 classics, (my room is very messy) of which 27 have been read, and 16 random books about sociology, philosophy and language of which 2 have been read Still I’ll have more time soon and will read them all…Among them I’ve got a really good 1886 version of Coleridges Confessions of an Enquiring Spirit which I found in a junkshop the other week and it has a most amusing advert for “Mr.R.L Stevenson’s latest and greatest triumph” Kidnapped. It talks of how it’s sure to become a classic and is “incomparably superior to Treasure Island and everything else”. Kept me amused for hours I think my problem is that I go in bookshops and find something that looks interesting and then start reading that before either finishing the last one or actually starting one from my pile. I’ve tried to limit myself but it doesn’t seem to work, I even got a copy of Paddington in latin the other day which is entirely useless as I only speak minimal latin and so far have managed to translate two pages but it looked interesting at the time

I don’t think it’s fair for you to take such delight in having confused me, it’s really a very easy thing to do and the only confusion I’ve caused you is through the first half of this message (possibly the second half too, I can’t be sure as I haven’t written it yet) so it’s quite mean to cackle in an evil fashion. Anyway, I think you’ve confused me more now so I may stay quiet in future, music college??? Mmm, never mind a computer scientist doesn’t have stigma attached…well it does if you’re my brother but that’s just because I know him…and all his friends…*thinks, can’t defend this , will have to change subject flawlessly and covertly*…his friends are very nice one of their brothers has a Ferrari…

You don’t need to feel paranoid about your car, clearly if the one next to it was broken into then theft isn’t the destiny for you car… that’s weak isn’t it? Oh well I tried, I saw a Lotus haha! I don’t know why I’m laughing as you have a Lotus but never mind. It was very nice but I think I’m going to have to stop my habit of staring at cars because the drivers (who are always male, why is this?) keep thinking I’m staring at them and so wave back, it’s most unnerving My mate was in hysterics today as some small boy (well I say small he was probably about 15) saw me staring at the Aston Martin he was in and so got really excited and winked at me, I was mortified as he clearly thought I was eyeing him up, Adrian found it hilarious and started to encourage him by waving back Maybe I should get a little sign made saying that I’m staring at the car not them? Hmmm, *contemplates fact that this has returned to random gibberish* Change of subject.

The TVR Cerbera would thrash the Lotus any day (especially if I was driving, apparently rallying techniques are not suited for those taking a driving test in a few weeks ) The latest twelve speed model has 800bhp, 7.2litre, 48 valve V12 engine and has a top speed of 240mph and as the bodies made of carbon fibre it weighs nearly nothing. However, that’s the track car and won’t actually be let loose onto the public until the end of this year but the six speed (as well as being available in pretty chromaflair purple ) does 180mph and has 360bhp with a 6 cylinder, 24 valve engine and does 0-60 in about 4.5 seconds (I really shouldn’t admit to knowing all this should I? Where’s me anorak ). However, they are alleged to be appalling to handle in the wet and have no ABS or traction control in any of the models so they’re not much use for cornering as you so rightly surmised. But to return to girly mode, they are very pretty Whereas the Lotus, despite being pretty, only has 118bhp (I think) on the 1.8 model and even on the Esprit V8-GT only has about 350bhp and a top speed of 170 hence the TVR having quicker straight line speed. I’m really going to have to shut up now…hmm fluffy kittens…makeup…flowers …shopping…clothes…

So you get your car liking (that’s such poor grammar but I can’t be bothered to figure out where it went wrong) from your Dad then? I don’t know where I get mine from as everyone in our family hates F1 and it took all my persuasive powers to get my dad to come with me to Silverstone this year. No-one really knows about cars either, or even finds them vaguely interesting…my dad likes the tyres but I think that’s because he’s a scientist and so looks for more technical elements. I guess I just like to be awkward although it does come in useful as after Silverstones bizarre, blizzard/snowstorm/heat wave weather this year the car wouldn’t start which left me free to fix it. Well I say fix it, I would have done had I have been listened to. As soon as I heard it attempt to start I mentioned that the sparkplugs were gone and had probably got too damp to work but it took about an hour before my dad finally conceded that the spark plugs might not have been working. I think I loose credibility being female although the blokes in the tent next to me found it quite funny so at least it entertained them

The brake dust in the pits is funny, I have no idea how any of them see. Although it has to be admitted that Schumi seems to have a much higher ‘hit’ rate than the other drivers as I think Nigel Stepney was the third person he’d hit this season.

Are you one of the really excitable teachers who get over enthusiastic about the smallest of details? I was having a discussion about this the other day as it was suggested I could do a responsible job like teaching English but then it was realised that everyone would shout abuse at me as I’d just sit and ramble on for hours about noun phrases and get really excited over abnormal grammatical structuring Oooh, (feel free to skip this bit and just nod and smile afterwards) I learnt something great today. I can now draw syntactic word chains and have learnt that (pretend > is an arrow not a mathematical symbol, I didn’t get a maths trophy for nothing you know ) S>NP VP where NP> (det) A*N and VP> V NP! Isn’t that fascinating, aren’t you pleased you’re having this discussion

Anyway, I had better leave now before I start drawing diagrams, add to that the fact that I hold distinct scepticism about whether you can cut and paste on this forum and so may have just typed this for no reason. Anyway, Bye

Oh wait look it worked, although my pretty smiles have been replaced by squares but still...

(This is probably going to look completely disjointed - I'm pretty much replying to your message in order, but reading my message in isolation it all looks a bit random!)

Hmm... I don't especially trust Word. It does unhelpful stuff like convert normals apostrophes into something that looks like "’"... Fortunately I'm working somewhere with a permanent net connection at the moment, so it's already online permanently! But when I'm at home, I usually drop the line when I'm typing in on the composition screen - you don't actually need to be connected whilst you type in an answer.

So, the smiley is done as : - P (rather than :-p as I think you tried). The smileys are all hardcoded in by the people who run this site, so we're fairly impoverished as far as the selection goes.

Teletubbies started being broadcast during my final year at college I think. I was mostly preoccupied with exams at the time. A friend of mine who stayed on to do a PhD got well into it. I've not seen much of it, but that smiling baby in the sun really freaks me out. (Or is it just me who can see that? ) And I wouldn't exactly describe myself as a business man... This implies that I wear a suit and tie, and carry a slim leather-bound suitcase, which really isn't the case. The pony tail really doesn't go with that image. As for bowling shoes, I think the main thing is to encourage you not to steal them...

OK, your book list definitely outdoes mine. But I went and bought a copy of The Language Instinct last night and read the first couple of chapters. I love how rude he is about practically every academic discipline he talks about! And it's also very interesting as well as being witty. Paddington in Latin eh? Hmm... Mind you I read a Latin version of Winnie the Pooh (or Winni Ille Pu as I think they spelt it...) at school. The one bit that really stuck in my mind was "Patheticum! Ille est patheticum," dixit Ior.

I apologise fully and wholeheartedly for confusing you.

*cackles in a not at all evil fashion*

Is that better?

Anyway, in an attempt to unconfuse matters (although experience shows that I'm likely just to be digging myself in deeper now ) I didn't go to a music college... I just did a lot of musical stuff while I was at college - I was a choral exhibitioner, managed several of the college concerts, that kind of thing.

The car was still OK this morning. I moved it round to be right in front of the attendant's cubicle... And as for being stared at, I'm told by my passengers that you get stared at all the time in mine. I hadn't really noticed as I'm usually too busy concentrating on the road, although I've realised a few times when sat in traffic. But I've never assumed 'they must fancy me!' In fact I tend to assume that they're probably thinking 'Look at that tosser in that sports car - he must really fancy himself. Nice car though.' None of my friends seem to believe me when I tell them that I didn't buy my car to impress women! (And besides, if anyone really did want to go out with me just because of my car, I really don't think I'd want to go out with them...)

You really like chromaflair don't you? But I would revise your claim to 'The TVR Cerbera would thrash the Lotus any day unless it's raining'. (Not that the Elise is especially good in the wet, it's just a good deal less bad than the Cerbera as far as I can tell.)

Sticking with the road-legal versions for a moment, it strikes me that 360bhp vs my puny 120bhp (or 118bhp depending on what you read) is a lot of effort to shave a mere 1 second off the 0-60 time! (The Elise Sport 190 is faster than the TVR to 60, despite having a disadvantage of some 170bhp! OK it's not road legal, but that's mostly due to engine emissions; I've seen several that have been put through SVA.) It would be interesting to see some of the other acceleration times - I bet the TVR's slower than even the basic Elise on the 0-30 for example. Their main problem is traction, which means that for the power the acceleration at normal road speeds is disappointing (well...relatively speaking; I'm sure it's really quite exciting in practice) because you spend so long being limited by lack of rear wheel grip. It's just that unlike the Elise it doesn't stop accelerating for quite some time.

As you say, the handling is less than optimal, and I know someone who sold their TVR simply because it was effectively undriveable in the wet! However this doesn't stop me from rather liking the idea of having a TVR.

Re: spark plugs, have you seen the 'Can any of you actually hear me?' sketches on The Fast Show?

I am prone to getting excited over details when I teach, but I try to reign myself in when I realise I'm about to go off on a tangent for my own entertainment. Anyway, with the abstruseness of your linguistic observations, it sounds like you might be more suited to a University lectureship! If I understand you correctly, you are asserting that a noun phrase can consist of an optional determiner, then any number of adjectives and then a noun, that a verb phrase can consist of a verb followed by a noun phrase, and that a sentence can consist of a noun phrase followed by a verb phrase. Am I following you so far? But doesn't that ignore the distinction between transitive and intransitive verbs? And prepositional phrases? (But don't take my word for it - I just had to go and consult a linguistics dictionary to decipher your message!)

You think your message is disjointed? Clearly you weren’t focusing when reading mine But anyway, mines going to do the same as yours now because unless I can manage to get in something about Jackson Pollock (I’m going to the Tate modern soon and if they haven’t got any of his work I shall stand and hold my breath and then scream until someone fetches one…either that or they’ll all be too scared of the mad woman screaming and so have me arrested but still ) it’s just going to reply to everything you said, although it being me I feel several paragraphs of irrelevance will appear.

Right then... I distrust many things technical particularly as my mates 30 day trial software has now been running for 447 days so if we can fool it imagine what someone vaguely computery minded could d Still I can work video editing equipment and digital recording devices which no-one else seems to be able to do so that must give me some credit...possibly... You know the normal apostrophes which get converted into “’” would that be like the ones in my last message then? I thought they were quite subtle I wonder, if you type ’ does it get changed into an apostrophe or is that just my (il)logic working? BTW, I have mastered the work offline button, I can cope with the internet as that seems to like me it’s just computer programming (I never graduated past the Commodore 64 ) and stuff like that which scares me (oh and Paintshop Pro but I feel I have a right to be scared of that) and then rebels against everything I do. I once put about 60 hours into an advertising campaign saved it as a zipfile onto a disk and then onto the harddrive but then when I returned both refused to open. As you can imagine I was ecstatic and as a result have never been near said graphics package again. It has to be said though that having read the instructional staff thing you sent me to I can’t help but feel that I’m in the presence of a genius so I might attempt to make more sense in future… actually I doubt that’ll happen so I won’t even bother trying

I wonder if we could infiltrate extra smilies into the site? *contemplates knowledge needed to do that compared with actual knowledge in reality* ...never mind

Hmmm, college? Would I be correct in my assumption that you went to Cambridge? I would allow (big of me I realise) you to have gone to Oxford but no-one would voluntarily pick Oxford over Cambridge…having said that you’ll now tell me you live in Oxford and love the place but that’ll provide me with some interesting hole digging opportunities I love Cambridge (but not Sidney Sussex college), it’s much nicer than Oxford and has more ducks (which is always a careful consideration when picking a favoured place ) although it has more cows too because some fool allows them to wander randomly around Clare college which is actually highly dangerous as cows are sadistic, eveil and viscious and so when ever I go to see my mate they try to kill me... (told you, 1st paragraph of irrelevance… actually it might be the 2nd)

I’d say “What smiling baby in the sun?” but I feel that’d be too easy even for me Teletubbies amuses me mainly due to the connotations which can be read into it whether they’re there or not but I guess if you become bored enough to watch the Teletubbies then you’ll find interest in anything

O.K so you’re not a business man but I bet you have a laptop, a mobile and a briefcase of some sort...hmmm yuppie image forming Change of subject...Why would you want to steal bowling shoes? I guess if you went in flipflops they might seem more appealing than your original footware but otherwise it seems a bit unlikely, particularly as they’re always a size bigger than you expected and the laces are always so grey that you just don’t want to think about it

‘Scuse me just off to burn my dinner...back now, it’s amazing how nice garlic is but how bad it smells isn’t it?

You listened to something I said? Wow Steven Pinkers does seem to be quite derogatory about academics doesn’t he? Still it makes it more entertaining...*thinks evil thoughts and assembles face into innocent expression* You know you really should read “A History Of The English Language” by Baugh and Cable, it’s really very interesting, flows so very well...

Ursus Nomine Paddington has to be better than Winni Ille Pu as it’s far more mature One day I might read some real Latin but for now I think I’ll stick with my knowledge of abusive comments and amusing –well to me- phrase such as “QUI GRAVIS ES NIMIUM, POTES HINC IAM, LECTOR, ABIRE QUO LIBET” which if I’ve spelt it right should be the new tagline for H2G2

I accept your wholehearted apology although that may mean I need to profusely apologise for constant rambling about Richard Burns (did I mention I chatted with him?) I have to say though I think your evil cackle is more intriguing than you completely unevil cackle so maybe you should revert...

Sorry can’t resist this you made it too easy, Is a choral exhibitioner a soprano who flashes at the audience Actually the less said about choirs (why does the ch of choir make a q sound whereas the ch of chair doesn’t ?) the better as it brings back memories of being forced to sing solo in front of billions (there may have been an element of hyperbole there) of people which was entirely unpleasant

I would imagine that in a Lotus you’d get stared at constantly although I have to say that not all men driving sports cars assume that all women staring at them are thinking they’re tossers as if I had a pound for everytime a bloke has stopped or waved back I’d have…enough to buy my TVR...second hand...almost...possibly...hmm. It has to be said though that I like cars and so tend not to notice the blokes in them whereas my mates who have no interest in cars don’t notice the cars or the drivers so unless you have a particularly viscious group of women in your area I doubt they all think you fancy yourself Just one question though, why the dots after “I really don’t think I’d want to go out with them”? Is that a get out clause for when you see a Melinda Messenger lookalike staring at your car

Chromaflair is great I think you’d be less amused by my appreciation for the colour of cars if I explained the reason (well other than the fact that I’m female and so am attracted to pretty colours ). I love graphic design and last year won a place on the RCA’s car design course and got taught for a day by one of Fords car designers and the bloke who’s said to be the next big F1 car designer. Anyway, he taught me to appreciate all the individual details on the cars rather than just the car as one whole entity and so in turn it taught me to appreciate the colour (did you know that the early cars were all orange because any other colour took too long to dry?) much more as it really changes the whole flow of the designs. I also got to look at a load of professional car designs which was great as most of them haven’t been put into mass production and won’t actually be seen by the public until this years motor show...which was nice

I refuse to revise my claim about the TVR thrashing the Lotus as I did mention it may only be the case if I was driving If you manage to find a TVR, an empty race track and turn up with your Lotus I’ll show you what I mean as I’d be off into the distance before you’d even started your engine, admittedly I’d hide your keys so you couldn’t actually start it and then give myself a ten minute advantage but I’d definitely win Whilst I don’t know how long it takes to do 0-30 in the Elise (I’ll leave that up to you) it takes about 1.97 in the TVR and as far as I knew the TVR’s 0-60 speed was quicker than the Elise 1.8, 111s, the Esprit GT3, V8 SE and the V8 GT although admittedly only by about two tenths of a second for the last two but it’s still quicker How quick is the Elise Sport 190 at 0-60, because if you’re using track models than the TVR can do about 3.1secs ? If the traction is bad it’d a least provide some fun wheel spin…I have to point out that I’m too attached to the TVR (and too stubborn) to admit that the Lotus is a better car so I will keep coming up with flimsy excuses to defend it I can’t believe you know someone who sold their TVR...
*slips into trance like state whilst dreaming of having a TVR to sell*

The Fast Show woman is actually based on me, you were very astute to notice the similarities Whenever I say anything even vaguely useful I tend to get greeted with an “mmm, yes dear” but it’s O.K because after the event has gone horribly wrong everyone always remembers that I was the one who said how to sort it out before hand which might not sound to good but at least they make a point of not listening to my advice the next time

As for your teaching, I’m impressed by your restraint, I tend to ramble on for hours when I get really passionate about something and even when I’m finally gagged I still interject with ‘interesting’ points whenever there’s even the vaguest of links Abstruseness as in rambling and hard to understand or as in profound? I’m going to go with profound although I feel the first may be more appropriate both to me and to lecturers BTW would it be wrong to shout shenanigans to you? I have a slight suspicion that you just turned to the relevant page in the Language Instinct and then read the explanation for the S>NP VP thing which if you did shows great intitiative and if you didn’t then you truly are a genius and I sulk in the fact that you destroyed my knowledge and I will now have to quote David Crystal books instead or at least a chapter you’ve not read

Anyway, I’d better leave now as I’m going to attempt to read a very dull classic and if I leave it too late I’ll have been sent to sleep after the first page.

Bye

LOL you'd think I'd learn wouldn't you? The random symbols for the apostrophes were intentional this time honest

I would suggest using the Preview Message button, but I know I'd only be setting myself up for a fall - I'd inevitably make a hugely embarrassing mistake, so I'll just keep my mouth shut in order to avoid inserting my foot!

How was the Tate? (Or was that soon as in 'the next few days' as opposed to 'when I've finished typing this'?)

I think mistrust of technical things in general and computers in particular is healthy, not least because they tend to be designed by people like me. (At least that's why I don't trust them.)

As for coming away from that website with the impression that we're all geniuses... (Genii?) That's just something we like to make people think in order to sell more courses. Curiously, being hugely arrogant about our technical abilities seems to make more people want to come on our courses, whereas I would have expected it to put people off!

Extra smilies? Well... Easy enough on the guide entries - they let you put in graphics from outside the h2g2 site, so if you have some other web server you can stick them on, it's easy. In fact there are at least two pages with a whole bunch of alternate smilies on them. But getting them to appear in the forums would be trickier. There's only one person who has managed this - there's one guy who gets a bizarre blue fish to appear in his entries - but he has the distinct advantage of working for h2g2... In fact he's the guy who wrote the code that formats the contents of the Forums, so it was easy for him.

Yes, I went to Cambridge. Gonville and Caius (pronounced 'Keys'; one of the founders evidently preferred his name to look like it was in Latin, although at least this way it looks less like a firm of estate agents) college, specifically. I thought the cows were actually on Kings college's back garden. Apparently the land in question was granted to them by one of the other colleges on the condition that cows be allowed to graze there, and if they don't let them graze, the land reverts to the original college. At least that's what I heard, but it's hard to be sure, with the number of bizarre legends surrounding this place! I've never heard of them trying to kill anyone though, so they must be singling you out for special attention.

I like it here too, which is why I still live here! I'm quite a long way out from the middle of town though, although the Science Park, which is right near to my house, and where I sometimes work, has a lake with loads of ducks, so that's OK. I've only been to Oxford a few times and saw some good bits and some bad bits. I seem to remember the botanical gardens being fairly nice. I didn't really see enough of it to get a proper feel for the place, but it struck me as being, well, bigger than Cambridge, which makes me prefer Cambridge... (Although Cambridge is actually a lot bigger than it seems from the centre.)

OK, you've got me on the laptop. But I only have it because I need it - I teach all over the place and need to have a computer with me to do it. Well alright, that's not the *only* reason - I've always wanted one because they're great toys , but I didn't actually get one until it became a necessity. A mobile phone on the other hand I've had since long before it was useful, although now that I'm never in one place for long, it too has become essential. But then everyone's got one. As for a brief case, nope! I don't have one of them.

As for bowling shoes, well no, of course you wouldn't want to steal them! That's entirely my point! They make them so horrible precisely so people won't take them away!

Curiously I've never particularly minded the smell of garlic. But I do love the taste.

Of course I listened to something you said! Who did you think I was replying to in this conversation? And anyway, linguistics has always interested me. But you're now exploiting this to try and overload my reading list. I've read at least 2 books on the history of English, but I can't remember who wrote either of them or what they were called, so it's possible that I've already read that one. And since you ask, no I hadn't actually read that bit in The Language Instinct when I wrote that reply. It hadn't occurred to me that this was where you'd got it from - for some reason I had got the impression that you'd already finished the book, and that this had come from somewhere else entirely. But rather than coming to the highly questionable conclusion that I'm a genius, bear in mind that I've covered some of this ground before in my computer science course (computer language design owes an awful lot to Chomsky), and besides I had to go and read through a couple of pages on linguistics on the web before I could work out what on earth you meant!

*looks suitably chastened with regard to immature tastes* I'd better start growing up and read some Paddington then. *searches around fruitlessly for a Latin dictionary* Um... You've defeated me there - I'm unable to translate that.

As for cackling, make your mind up!

*provides evil cackle as requested, the original and the best*

That's choral exhibitionist you're thinking of, and I've been accused of that to! (Although I've never been tempted to be a flasher.) I don't like solo singing either - it's why I stick with choirs! And I have no explanation for the pronunciation issue - you're further ahead in the Pinker book which makes you the language expert, so you should be telling me.

Why the ...? Well I wasn't intentionally hedging my bets. (That's something I just tend to do instinctively. ) However I think it's more because I'm in the habit of using ... in a similar way as a smiley - to indicate less than entirely serious content. So I wouldn't read too much into it. And besides Melinda Messenger would probably be more interested in the car...

So you get to associate with F1 car designers as well as Richard Burns? *fumes quietly* But quietly ignoring that, speaking of the way a car's colour changes its appearance, the Elise is a particularly good example of that. And I'd never heard of the orange cars thing, how long ago was that?

*wanders off briefly to eat a curry* Ah! That's better.

Right... The Elise (basic model) does 0-30 in 1.93 seconds according to Autocar, but they're evidently not very quick drivers , because they had the Cerbera as doing it in 2.05 in the same test. I think the Elise Sport 190 does the 0-60 in slightly under 4.5 seconds, but it's getting on a bit now, and the real racing one is the Elise Motorsport, which should be a fair bit faster (has an extra 30hp to play with, and I think it weighs even less) but I don't have any figures for that... But it's certainly true that TVR have offerings with far more power than any Lotus. (Although I could bring up the Elise GT, even though you can't buy those... And I have absolutely no details on them other than that they raced them at Le Mans, so it wouldn't really add much. ) So I'll have to drag the conversation back to the cornering ability advantages of a mid engined design to deflect attention from absolute acceleration and top speed figures.

How's the dull classic going? I liked Mark Twain's definition of a classic (which Steven Pinker mentioned) - a book that everyone wants to have read but which nobody wants to read.

gurjhhfjdkepfkoirkfggggggggggggggggggjpogajobh;pkgbggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg.......................
Sorry, that was the result of my head banging against the desk repeatedly. Thought I'd just come in and have a quick moan and then sulk if that's alright with you
"I'VE GOT A STUPID EXAM THAT GOES ON FOR A STUPIDLY LONG TIME AND STARTS AT A STUPIDLY EARLY TIME AND I KNOW A STUPIDLY LITTLE AMOUNT AND THEN I HAVE TO COME OUT OF SAID STUPID EXAM GET ON A STUPID BUS AFTER HAVING STUPIDLY RUN TO BUS STOP WITH STUPIDLY FEW MINUTES TO SPARE BEFORE STUPIDLY GOING TO A STUPID STUPID JOB INTERVIEW...... *holds breath* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! I HATE EXAMS!!!"
Thank you finished now
(Anyway...is the phrase you're looking for ) now I've removed my aggression and revealed my true level of maturity, how are you? Hope you had a a nice day

Sorry you're feeling stressed! But of course you're welcome to have a moan.

I guess it's one of the few consolations of being a bit of an old git (26) that this kind of nightmare is well in the past. (Although my sister, who is 29, is still doing exams on a fairly regular basis! I guess that's what comes of doing an economics degree, then qualifying as an accountant, then deciding that's really not what she wanted to do with her life, and then studying for a chiropractice qualification, with the intention of specifying in vetinary (and particularly equine) chiropractice does for you... And she fell off a horse last weekend getting concussed, and badly bruising the arm she'd recently had surgery on, and in the same week discovered that her college had cocked up and for obscure reasons related to accreditation of different versions of the course she's doing she now has to finish the whole course about 6 months earlier than originally planned. And she holds down a job, the study being something she mostly does on evenings and weekends! And she always hated exams! I sometimes wonder if she's entirely sane. )

Anyway, good luck with the exam and the interview. What's the job?

I'm fine thanks, although you may not wish to hear that under the circumstances!

Lalalala, see I'm not stressed, whatever gave you that idea?
Anyway, I am in such a good mood that I can't even be stressed by impending driving test, result of job interview or final exam so instead I shall just sit and grin and possibly bounce up and down in an excitable Tigger kinda way Why's there no bouncing smiley? There should be! I'm so gonna have to calm down if this is going to make any sense at all...*takes deep breaths*...

Hiya! see I'm starting again and this way my foolishness will have been left behind in the first part...possibly...oh this isn't going to work I apologise now for any surreal and irrelevant ramblings which may be written following this apology, I shall try and delete anything too strange but can't guarantee it...see I can't even apologise sensibly

Before I start though I just have to bring up one small point. You're 26? That's not old! I mean I know someone who's... oooh at least 28 so you're not as old as him How come I'd been led to believe you were about 28...y'know for some bizarre reason 28 seems a lot older than 26 and it isn't really is it, why is that? I'm rambling again aren't I? O.K I'm going to take evasive action, back soon...

See I'm fine nowViewing bacon when vegetarin is guaranteed to depress anyone (equate that too, "I want a bacon sandwich!"

Right then. What were you on about with the hugely embarassing mistake? What? I apologise if that's due to my ramblings about computers but it wasn't aimed at you, I just have a particularly strong dislike for mine. F'rinstance I am now listening to my music on my portable CD player as the stupid speakers exploded (I have no idea why they just did) which meant I went to mend them, stood in the garage, tested the fuse, unscrewed the back, used the volt measuring thingy (I'd like to point out I know the name I just can't spell it as it has too many m's to cope with), found current going in. At this point I used my brain and decided that before unsoldering the entire circuit board I would test the AC input/DC output in case the transformer had broke (it had).Had the good idea of plugging in the circuit breaker so I didn't kill myself, unfortunately the circuit breaker exploded when I plugged it in, I then went to change the light bulb as it had just fused and at this point realised it was best to give up before shorting the entire house. Hence I do not like technical goods, technical goods do not like me

You were right with your second assumption about the Tate as I'm going soon as in next week or the week after but you'll know when as I don't think there is anything by Pollock so you'll hear of my complaints

You're a genie? Cool, do you grant wishes then like Gaby Roslin? That's odd the clock says it's 12.50! I can't have been on that long surely...oh wait the clocks broke it's not that time at all, altogether now, I hate technical goods Anyway, to return to the point I wouldn't deny being a genius you should just revel in the fact that you've conned someone into believing it, unless you really are a genius in which case I don't know what you should revel in but I'm sure you shouldn't deny yourself the chance

Scuse me ! (That wasn't directed at the you, I just have issues with Cambridge Uni) Is Kings college the one you get to if you stand in the market, walk in that direction, go through the back streets, over the bridge, along the bit that's small stream type thing next to a playing field and left through the bit that's always muddy even when it isn't rainy? Cos that's where the eveil, viscious and sadistic cows are! I just got confused with Clare because my mates at Clare and when I go and visit him we go to see some other friends in what must be Kings so I always forget which is which. I love Cambridge, especially that shop opposite Sidney Sussex (hang on , again not to you) college that has the really cool clothes, I think it's about...4 shops away from Sainsbury's. I also like the bakers/food shop which sells the best cookies anywhere in the world (except for the ones at Bens Cookie shop in Oxford which you have to go and fetch, just drive there and buy them, whether you want to or not) which is next to those cool traffic bollard things that move...hmmm, I wanna live in Cambridge *sulks*... Bizarrely I didn't know that there was a Cambridge Science Park as I could have played in that when I was last in Cambridge (Again not to you and I apologise but ) but after you mentioned it it was on the news with the Human Gene discovery (along with Watson of Watson and Crick which was most exciting) thing...which was nice. What do you think of that by the way? I know it's alledged to be a good thing but it's a bit to close to Blade Runner for me to not feel slightly apprehensive

Cows. Eveil, mean, sadistic, cows are going to kill us all one by one until they are capable of taking over the world and they should not be trusted under any circumstances ever or else they will exploit their innocent and docile reputation and leap from their highly camouflaged ambush and attack...not that I have an irrational fear of cows you understand

Ummm *looks shifty* I have to admit that I may have been slightly unfair about the laptop and mobile phone thing *looks more shifty* as I may own them too... But I would like to protest that people gave me both of them as gifts and I only whined for the mobile, I didn't actually want a laptop. Actually, I won't defend the mobile phone as they're briliant because I have met loads of people who I can safely give my mobile number to until I know them better and I am now receiving phone calls from Grand Prixs all over the world. The last one was Monaco and that was brilliant as they phoned me to tell me they were having dinner with Eddie Irvines parents and I got to listen to the cars for about 10 minutes before Verstappen crashed and the practice session was stopped, but anyway, I love my mobile Of course I use it for sensible things too you understand...

I didn't mean the smell of garlic when it's cooking because that's nice but just the smell of garlic when someone else has eaten it which isn't

When I expressed amazement at the fact that you'd listened to something I'd said it was more at the fact that you'd actually been out and bought the book rather than just accepting my word that it was a good book...although now I know you live near Blacks (is it Blacks, that huge book shop with every book ever published anywhere in, that goes on for about ten million floors(possible exaggeration, it's not is it, now I think about it I'm sure it begins with a H)?) I would have just used it as an excuse to go and play in a bookshop. Actually, I have now been banned from playing in bookshops because (other than a first edition championship year copy of "Fangio - a racing driver" which was essential) I keep buying books which are less than necessary such as "Winnie the Pooh and the Ancient Mysteries"...*assembles innocent face with recollection of comments about the maturity of Winnie v's Paddington and leaves subject whistling quietly*...

As for me trying to overload your reading list, the book I suggested was just an evil plan to see if you'd actually attempt to read it as it's the most boring book I have ever read in my life (except for The Turn of The Screw which wins, no contest and led me to get the ladybird Key Stage 3 child version). I'd also like to point out that it was fairly foolish of you to think that I'd actually finished a book I'd started reading or that I had knowledge of my own Although to completely challenge that, can I also point out that you said Chomsky without a groan and so you've instantly increased your popularity as I think his work is stunning and no one will ever listen to me...can't think why it's fascinating stuff

Thankyou for the evil cackle it was definitely better than the pleasant one and I apologise for ever doubting the issue

errr, I'm an expert? That's a dangerous concept...O.K then I have no idea why it should be pronounced so differently except for the fact that you form your mouth differently during pronunciation but then that's self evident due to the fact that it sounds differentDarn, I feel my cover has been blown

I don't think Melinda Messenger likes cars, she just sits around in pit lanes wearing very few clothes in an annoying fashion because she's paid to and lads want to see her in all the motoring magazines which women don't read because they don't follow F1... I'm moaning quite a bit today aren't I? That bacon really worked

The Orange car thing was in the 1950's and I know because the F1 designer told me Actually something that may inspire jealousy in you as much as it did to me. I got a letter from my cousin today (which also contained a video of me when I was six with blonde ringlets and a frilly dress) having asked him if he'd ever seen Jenson Button because he lives in Bicester, and it mentioned how he knew nothing about motorsport but that he'd had lunch with Tiff Needel at last years motorshow because he was covering the story for his magazine and he thought he was a very nice bloke

Oooh and something else which has to be added... just because, is the fact that I am attempting to pull off the scam of the century and if all goes well you will be fuming loudly so I apologise in advance. If, however, I pull it off you will never hear the end of it and may get quite fed up of hearing the story of "the day I..." so please feel free to tell me to shut up. However, I can't divulge any more of my plan (for fear of jinxing it) until the 1st of July when I'll know if the first stage has been succesful and if it has then after the 18th of July I will never shut up

Curry? Did it have bacon in it...I feel the bacon was too drastic

Clearly the Autocar drivers aren't very quick because it took them 2.05 seconds to do 30 in the Cerbera and I'm betting I could improve on that However, they were obviously at the limit with the Elise because its not as good as my TVR so thereIs it so wrong to be more impressed with power than speed? I mean after all unless you're in Germany you can only legally drive at 77mph on the roads anyway so that's another reason the TVR is better...even if it can't take corners without horrendous over/under steer and wheel spin (did I say that?) And to revert to girly colour discussions, the Elise comes in yellow and you'd never be able to buy a TVR in such a foolish colour...after all it'd clash with the tyres

As for the classic, would a guilty "hmmm" answer your question? I got to page 4 of Silas Marner and was so bored I gave up and read Autosport instead (it has literary value too!), however, I have started reading DH Lawrences "Rainbow" and I was shocked to find that it's actually quite interesting

Anyway, I'd better go before I fall asleep (blimey it's 10 past 12 it was only 10.30 a minute ago) and don't get the chance to finish my...err, classic