h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*The grenade lands around the horse's legs, and destroys them, sending the horse flying into the air. Chrome is sitting on the horse's back, completely unharmed (the legs have aborbed most of the blast), and decides that he'd like to re-enact one of his favourite film moments. He takes out a big cowboy hat, puts it on his head, and plummets down, riding a giant marble horse and waving the cowboy hat around his head.*

WAAAAAAA-HOOOOOO!

YEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAA!

WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

YEEEEEEEEEEE-

*He lands in the water in some handily-placed docks.*

Let me guess... Slim Pickin's from "Dr. Strangelove (Or how I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb)".

~Races to his personal speedboat, docked nearby~

Oh yes...

*Climbs aboard an immensely flashy pleasure craft (which you just ~know~ is going to get wrecked in an imaginative and amusing way) and sets off down the river. Looking behind, he sees red in hot pursuit.*

This personal speedboat of yours ... it wouldn't have ... ~miniguns~, perchance?

~Answers with a spurt of gunfire~

~Red's ship, the Pendulum, is of course jet black with red racing stripes down the sides. It has jet engines (have you seen The World is Not Enough?) and... mini-guns. It is now accelerating towards Chrome101's elegant craft at an alarming rate.~

The World is Not Enough? Of course I've seen it...

*He ducks to avoid the frenetic gunfire and searches the hold. Comes up with an alarming bounty. It would appear that Chrome has stolen the private yacht of some multi-millionaire arms dealer.*
Wa-hey!

*Aims a Stinger missile at The Pendulum. Red rolls to avod it, and it hits an old clipper amidships, sinking it amid a cloud of fire.*

*Moby's James Bond Theme begins to play on the yacht's quadrophonic sub-woofer system.*

~thinks~
finally some decent music
~acts: boosts the engines on the Pendulum in order to get up closer to the yacht. Turns the wheel hard to launch himself into the air on a water skiing ramp. The Pendulum propels iteself over the yacht and lands in front of it, cutting it so close that the jet engines of the Pendulum are singing the front of the yacht~

*Stands up and fires a grenade launcher, aiming directly at the cockpit of the Pendulum. The boat jinks across, destroying several sailing dinghies, as Chrome flicks a button, launching a string of depth charges into the water.*

~Red, now a safe distance ahead and to one side, pushes some buttons (this is, after all, a James Bond-inspired vehicle) and sets a course back towards the yacht that hits as many of the depth charges as possible before finally crashing into the yacht a flaming wreck. He then hits "Execute" followed by "Eject", and is blasted into the air while his ship heads at ungodly speeds to intecept the hero~

*Chrome sees the boat coming, and acts quickly. Tossing a crate full of napalm mines into the outboard dinghy, he launches it by autopilot. Turning it towards Red's recently vacated boat, he takes a huge flare gun, aiming it at the dinghy.*

Hey, Red! I think I'm ... ~in distress!~

*Fires a distress flare at the dinghy. The napalm mines go off, shielding Chrome from Red's ship in a wall of fire. He chuckles to himself on outwitting Red once more, before turning round.
Red lands on the deck of the yacht with a resounding thud. Drawing himself up, Chrome draws te Fork of Destiny and prepares for combat.*

~complements self on appropriate thread name change~


Chrome, you're all wet!


~Draws the "Spork of Doom"~

Chrome101 being apparently away for the weekend, and the Masque of the Red Rejection eMail preparing to embark on a road trip that will last nearly a week, "The Aquatic Duel" will not be seen this week. Instead, we are pleased to bring you "How to Chew", a twelve part public service documentary presented by a joint project of the BBC and PBS. Thank you, and enjoy the show.

*The public service documentary vanishes from the screen, to be replaced by Red and Chrome sitting on the deck of the yacht discussing films. They suddenly realise that THEY are watching again, and immediately launch into a dazzling display of fork/sporkmanship, as the yacht speeds down the estuary.*

You know what I just noticed ... you and Irving are online ~at the same time!~

Could it be that you're not telling us the full truth?...

The full truth is that I have two web browsers on my computer, and Irving and I are nearly always online ~at the same time~. H2G2 recognizes one browser and belonging to Irving, and the other as belonging to Red. It makes things much easier.

~Shoves spork in Chrome's direction~

Amazing!

*dodges Red's spork, and slaps his hand down on the "Anchor" button on the control panel. Unfortunately, the yacht is moving too fast for the anchor to be of any use, so it just trails behind ineffecually. As Chrome curses, a flying kick from Red sends him into the water. Thrashing about, Chrome finds the anchor cable and grips onto it, just as the anchor rips up a large section of a pier and drags it along behind the yacht.*

~Using the hack saw he had conviniently stashed in his utility belt, Red begins sawing the anchor cable off~

*The Krylma Leader watches in the safety of his own living room, eating popcorn*

*Having just seen M:i-2, Chrome now grasps the origin of Red's line from earlier on in the duel about getting his gun off. He realises he still has the flare gun. Gripping precariously to the section of pier, he aims it ... and fires.*

*The flare trails towards the yavht in slow motion.*

*Krylma watches, wondering how Red will escape*