h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Scene: A rooftop. It is a nondescript tower block that could be almost anywhere in the world. Dark clouds are gathering over it.
Thunder rolls as the man standing at the edge of the roof looks around him. All he sees is a bare expanse of concrete. His long dark trenchcoat flaps around him, its strange bulkiness belying the awesome and varied amount of weaponry hidden beneath it.
He turns his face to the sky and speaks:*

I am ready.

*Silence*

My weapon of choice is the Fork, followed by pairs of handguns.

*Silence*

WHERE ARE YOU, RED?

*Thunder rolls*

~Lightning strikes and a tall figure appears silhouetted against the sky, merely feet away from the hero's position. He is clothed in black battle fatigues with a crimson skull emblasoned over his left breast. He has chosen for the ocassion a less cerimonial mask than usual -- this time it is a red Zoro style bandana which hides his face from the nose up~

Patience my friend. Don't shout.

~A black handgun is strapped under each of Red's shoulders (This will be a John Woo production) and his gloved right hand raises his weapon of choice solemly into the air.~

Your fork is good. But I'm sure you'll find my spork more versitile than you can imagine.

En garde.

/Red

*The wind stirs Chrome101's trenchcoat (just to emphasise the Matrix influence even further) as he produces the Fork of Destiny from a sheath inside his towel. It is made of purest silicon, with esoteric runes engraved into it's length. A jade stone is set into the handle.*

Beware Red, I am well-versed in the deadly martial art of Fork-ai!

*Flings the fork adeptly towards Red's chest*

~Red deftly side-steps the flung fork, and if falls to the ground just behind him~

A little early to be throwing such a pretty peice of silverwear around, isn't it?

~smiles slightly at the badness of the joke he is about to make~

I know Spork-Fu.

~waits for appropriate response~

*The Fork of Destiny flies through the air and returns to Chrome101's hand.*

Indeed, you are worthy, Red...

*He is suddenly on his knees, parrying a vicous downthrust from Red's fork. Flings him back a few feet, giving both the combatants some breathing space.*

You were saying?

That's a spork, not a fork. A spork is more versatile. And I was hoping that we could share a Matrix rip-off line ("I know Spork-fu" "Show me").

~Jumps into the air and freezes in a somersault as the camera pans around the paused action. The camera finds an inovative new angle and the action continues as Red lunges at Chrome101, missing his heart as the well trained officer dodges out of the way. Red managed to catch his opponent's arm, however, and draw some blood. Suddently he spins around in time to parry Chrome's fork of destiny~

Care to make this interesting? Let me inside your mind. Quid pro quo you tell me something about yourself, I'll give you information about the madman who's been vandalising your forums. Quid pro quo.

/Red

*confused* Quid pro quo?

*With a sound of ringing metal on metal, he deflects Red's spork, and narrowly sidesteps the parapet. He looks down. The ground is miles away, the roads are tiny strips winding in between the huge skyscrapers*
*Turns his head to look at Red, a look of approaching horror shining in his eyes. the camera rushes through his eyeball, and into an atmospheric flashback*

Who are you?
That is for me to know and you to find out.

itsalwaysbetterontheoutside

Quickly, boy, they are getting closer. My old legs are tired, you must leave me and save yourself.

The first shell bursting, a flicker of red in the thundercloud, the fire of life in his breast, extinguished NOW



*With a scream of rage, he lunges at Red, adminsiters a swift roundhouse kick to the face
Red is down on the floor. Chrome101 pauses, the fork quivering a centimtre from Red's throat*

~Staring up at his opponent, Red sees in his eyes a mixture of fear and anger. He can smell Chrome101's arm wound from one or two posts earlier and the scent of blood stirs in him a profound strength. Taking advantage of his adversary's pause Red quickly brings both feet straight up, catching Chrome101 in the gut. Red's gloved hands grabe the Fork of Destiny as his powerful legs flip his nemisis head over heels. The Fork finds it's way out of Red's grip (it's a very special fork) and Red looks around for his spork to fend off the next rush. Seeing it lying ten feet away, teetering on the edge of the building, Red makes a judgement call... and pulls his pistols~

This is what I call getting my gun off.

*Strongly resisting the temptation to put sound effects in, Chrome101 dives across the roof, evading the fusillade of bullets.
Flipping himself up and over Red, he draws his own pistols in mid-air and replies with a volley of bullets of his own.*

*He lands on the other side of Red, just in time to see the outline of his figure blur and deform as he evades the hostile fire. Rolling to one side, Chrome fires off ane more bullet, which Red catched between his teeth, before jumping forward.

*The two adversaries stand locked on the rooftop, a gun to both their heads*

Red: You're empty.

Chrome101: So are you.

*They roll away from each other and come up with their items of cutlery in their respective hands*

~After a series of acrobatic leaps, somersaults, and backflips, Red finds himself face to face with Chrome once more, their kitchen utensils locked in mortal combat. He can smell the macaroni and cheese on his adversary's breath~

~Sudently Red's left hand pulls a steak knife from his sleeve and he stabs quickly at Chrome's gut, just breaking the skin before they fling eachother apart~

Just a quick question. Is this duel to the Death, or to the Pain?

I don't know.

*Staggers about, trying to staunch the flow of blood from his stomach.
In the instant he turns his head to see Red speeding across the rooftop towards him, he has ducked, sending Red over his shoulder to smash into the concrete roof.
He appears to be out cold. As he rolls over a small trickle of blood runs from one nostril, as rain begins to fall.*

Who are you, Red?

*Chrome101 reaches out to remove the mask from Red's face...*

~Red's gloved hand shoots up to catch Chrome's wrist~

That's a no no,

~he groans~

Take me to the hospital is one thing. Take me to the prison if you have to. Take off my mask and I'm afraid you aren't going to live long enough to tell anyone else about it.

*Chrome101 watches the veins on his hand contract. Red kicks him in the face, but he spins around to get him in an arm-lock from behind*

I don't think you're really Irving Washington... *draws a thin line of blood down Red's neck with the monomolecular edge of his fork*

The "I'm IW" story is just a bluff ... to lead us away from the ~real~ truth...

*shoves Red across the rooftop, then opens his coat to expose the S&W Tactical .406 revolver (~not~ loaded with blanks)*

Draw!

~Stands at the edge of the rooftop, arms spread wide~

You wouldn't shoot an unarmed man, would you?

~And with that, Red takes a step backwards, and gracefully drops straight down off the top of the 20 story building. By the time Chrome101 reaches the edge, Red is nowhere to be found. No body mars the sidewalk below, no one dangles from a window ledge. There is absolutely no trace of the villain~

*Spins around. Sniffs the air*

I know you're there, Red, I can smell your fear...

Pure brilliance in a TV series. I'm off to watch Frasier again.

(sorry to intrude)

~voice from nowhere~
Thank you. We aim to please.

/Red

~Moments pass. Rain falls. Thunder claps. Lightning strikes. A wolf howls somewhere. And then, from.. could it be? From above?~

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

~Red flies down from the clouds and tackles Chrome101, catching him off guard and throwing him to the ground. Pinning his rival with his knees, Red pulls two loaded pistols on him. Chrome cannot help but notice the uzi now slung over Red's shoulder, the rifle strapped to his back, or the utility belt buldging with ammunition~

Did you miss me?

Yeah, of course!
You know, for one moment I thought I'd defeated you there! (What a horrible thought!)
*Glad that the duel is now back on track, Chrome can feel the bloodwrath stirring in him once more. He springs to the side, narrowly avoiding being turned into a seive by Red's Uzis.*

Budda-budda-budda-budda-budda-budda-budda-budda-budda-budda-beeeeeeeeeeooooww!

*Hiding behind a handily positioned ventilation shaft, Chrome tries to think of a way out of the situation...*

~whistles~
Come out wherever you are
~Stalking with fingers on triggers, an Uzi (you do love Uzis, don't you Chrome?) in each hand held slightly down and a little to either side, Red stalks towards the ventilation shaft, and suddently hears a noise behind him. Without taking time to look he spins wildly, 180 degrees, guns blazing, and, when the smoke has cleared, the remains of a pidgeon are mostly indestinguishable from gazpacho soup with feathers~

Oops. Gotta cut down on the caffine

~He resumes his approach on the ventilation shaft~