h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Got a msg from the one that got away.
Took me almost 2 hours to write a brief reply that avoided saying much
Much crying etc. and I've got a about a dozen small cuts in my arm.

The best thing she could have done for herself is get rid of me. Still is.

http://toolshed.down.net/lyrics/undertowlyrics.php#03

I can't handle this.

Sweetheart.

I can only give you this . I hold you to make the pain recede, to stop you from harm, to blow gently on your wounds.

Little one, how I hate to see you hurt.

Poor you.

I wish she hadn't had to pour salt on the wounds. In your shoes I'd be feeling thrilled and tormented at the same time. I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you
Just enough to bring you down.

Too true.

'I wish she hadn't had to pour salt on the wounds.'

I don't think that was her intention.
Besides you could say her contacting me was provoked. I sent her back her confirmation neckless 3 weeks ago.

'In your shoes I'd be feeling thrilled and tormented at the same time'

I think that's a pretty good summation.
e.g. The idea that something good could come of this is thrilling and tempting. It's also complete delusional fantasy. And that is torment.

'I wouldn't know what to do with myself.'

I haven't known what to do with myself since she had the good sense to leave me! Ha.

'Too true.'

Indeed. The entire song sums me up and the way I treated her. Another one is http://www.songmeanings.net/lyric.php?lid=3530822107858489517

And there is no-one to hold me and the pain will not go away because I can't let it go. Some people just deserve to suffer.

"I don't think that was her intention."

I'm sure it wasn't.

"The entire song sums me up and the way I treated her."

You do know that's a complete turnaround of what I meant, don't you? As to the other song, sometimes I am amazed at the picture you have of yourself, I really am! I got to know you shortly after the pair of you parted, so of course that's all I saw of your relationship. But you talk like you're a clingy emotional vampire - even some kind of stalker - yet as far as I have ever seen, these desires and insecurities have only ever been inside your own head to torment you, and never in your actual behaviour in a way that might torment others. Not even in a way that people around you might notice.

However. I can hardly judge you on this. I know how it feels to obsess about someone who's not interested in me. I know how paranoia-inducing it is, and how hard it is to ascertain how much of it comes across, and how irritating I might be as a result, and what a hideous wretch I can feel like because of it. And I know how good the pain feels.

That's supposed to be a semicolon before "and what a hideous wretch".

You know, sometimes I wish I was better at speaking gently like the lovely Milla. Basically, I just mean what she said, okay?

Gosh..
And here I was sitting, thinking I had blundered it completely. Again.

'You do know that's a complete turnaround of what I meant, don't you?'

Yes. I was turning it back round to what I was trying to communicate when I posted the link.
I wasn't sure if you meant by 'too true' that 'she' had done that or break-ups and love and addictions do that. I've no time for suggestion of the former.
'She' had to leave. For her own good.

'As to the other song, sometimes I am amazed at the picture you have of yourself, I really am!'

Believe my confession. That song is relevent to aspects of the behaviour that forced her to go.

'I got to know you shortly after the pair of you parted, so of course that's all I saw of your relationship.'

This true.

Clingy - I'm a co-dependant.
Emotional Vampire - I'm a borderline.
Stalker - I'm no stalker, but my insecurities made me controling and jealous.

'Not even in a way that people around you might notice.'

It's always the quiet ones.


'However. I can hardly judge you on this. hug I know how it feels to obsess about someone who's not interested in me. I know how paranoia-inducing it is, and how hard it is to ascertain how much of it comes across, and how irritating I might be as a result, and what a hideous wretch I can feel like because of it. And I know how good the pain feels.'

I'm sorry that you know these things.

'And here I was sitting, thinking I had blundered it completely.'
I had not meant to make you feel that way.

Nonono, dear, you did not make me feel that! I did it to myself, being in awe of Snailies ability to find song lyrics, her personal experiences and ways of expressing herself. I feel such a cliché sometimes.

*stop digging moment*

Anyway.

You broke up.

It still hurts, but you seem to feel yourself that it was a good thing anyway? I'm beginning to think that it was.

I'll keep saying it until you do it: Forgive yourself.

'It still hurts, but you seem to feel yourself that it was a good thing anyway?'

Erm, yes and no... well to an extent yes.
I think that her leaving was justified and in her best interest. What I feel is that I'm glad she did right by herself.
It hurts she left for all the selfish reasons. And it hurts because *I* hurt one *I* loved, *I* betrayed the one *I* wanted most, *I* let down the one that gave me meaning that *I* was the *poison* and the *devil*.

So, we have exchanged a few e mails. And, in all honesty I feel more alive and less like there is a gaping void inside me than I have in years.

I have Slipknot's Vermilion and Vermilion Part 2 crawling around at the back of my mind.

'I get nervous, perverse, when I see her, it's worse
But the stress is astounding'

'She is everything to me
The unrequited dream
A song that no one sings
The unattainable
She's a myth that I have to believe in'

'But I won't let this build up inside of me'

'She isn't real
I can't make her real'

You see why I don't like myself? I have these dark desires that reduce an entire person to a tantalus for my possesion, to service my needs, to make me feel and fill the whole within.

"You see why I don't like myself? I have these dark desires that reduce an entire person to a tantalus for my possesion, to service my needs, to make me feel and fill the whole within."

You mean that's not normal? Hell, that's how I get my kicks.

Your mind is your own playground, and you can do what you like there. The way I see it, a representation of someone in my mind is not actually THEM, so I feel no guilt whatsoever in making that representation speak and behave in any way I please. It's nothing to do with the real person. The image and concept are mine. MINE.

Over the years, in a sick kind of way, I have come to relish the sensations of unrequited love. Yes, it burns like bloody hell, but so sweetly, and my writing is most productive when I feel like that. I guess we're all masochists in our own little ways...

I forgot to say: I'm glad the emails are making you feel better.

I get nervous, perverse, when I e mail her, it's worse! But the stress is astounding...

Another nice name, btw.

Why thank you m'dear.