h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear Mr. Clause:
This year for Christmas, I think I want to start off by explaining my actions of the past year that may have been put on your 'naughty' list due to circumstances beyond my control.
Hacking: Now, I admit I was on the computer right at the time I was doing it. But, how could I, a person who can barely understand the concept of GuideML have possibly, infiltrated the computers with all the plans for Plan Ersatz? I mean, sure it looked bad at the time, but can't we all just laugh at the past?
Nuclear Missiles: I honestly have no idea how those got to my room. And it certainly wasn't my fault I detonated one near the underwater home of the rare kraken. These things just seem to happen.
That thing that happened in Roswell. You know. That. . . thing that happenned?: Okay, there really isn't an excuse or allibi for doing that. You just have to accept my humble appoligies and excuse my terrible spelling.

Anyway, I promise not to do it again, and here is what I really want for Christmas: I want a chance to Beta test every single video game I choose before it comes out, along with the option of keeping it, as well as free upgrades to my computer and/or video game system for payment. If you can get that to me, I promise not to do any of the stuff above again. That is, if I had done it in the first place. Which I didn't. Really! Thank you for your time.

Dear Afgncaap5,

Well, I certainly didn't think I'd get a letter from you this year. Especially after that ... thing. Nevertheless, I do keep an open mind on the naughty/nice question, so I read your letter. I have a few comments to make:

1) I might have believed you about the hacking if it hadn't been MY computer you hacked your way into, changing my gift list to include all sorts of expensive things for you. Even that might have been overlooked if you hadn't hacked my children's request list to include many requests such as "give my gifts to Afgncaap5, Santa".

2) The nuclear weapons. Let's just say I was a tad upset by losing my pet Kraken. I do not look kindly upon Krakenicide.

3) The ... thing!!! I still can't speak of it. I can hardly think about it.

So, in spite of your letter, I think that you will get your just reward this Christmas. I've put Rudolf on a high-fibre diet so that I'll have enough of what I want for your stocking.

Sincerely,
Santa

Dear Santa:
Your seeming indifference to the matter of my requests is difficult to understand (not to mention the issue of your lack of performance in past years.) We believe you have every intention of delivering our requests, but your past history and present attitude makes us want to take steps to guarantee our mutual satisfaction. Surely our attorneys do not have to become involved--yet. I am sure that I am not the only person who has not received satisfactory service, only to have it explained away by your arbitrary, discriminatory, unfairly-applied, morally dubious, so-called "naughty or nice" policy (which might raise the spectre of a class action.)

I am sure that, unlike Scrooge, who needed spectres to actually appear, you will require no such motivation, and will resolve this consumer satisfaction issue reasonably, promptly, and in the spirit attributed to you in story, rhyme, song, and legend (kudos to your PR department.) I fully expect your timely visit with my requests. Milk and cookies will be provided as a token of my appreciation and expectation. They are certainly tastier than a summons or subpoena.

Best regards,

Afgncaap5

A bottle of Port and you've got a deal

I'll see what I can do, Mr. Kringle. BTW, anything to say to the researcher who was impersonating you? Or was that just you using his computer and screen name?