h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*changes music to "The Ferret Song"*

I've got a ferret sticking up my nose.
(He's got a ferret sticking up his nose.)
How it got there I can't tell
But now it's there it hurts like hell
And what is more it radically affects my sense of smell.
(His sense of smell.)

I've got a ferret sticking up my nose.
(It starts singing when he wears his formal clothes.)
I can almost stand the noise
But at parties it destroys
My hard-earned and carefully cultivated social poise.

I've got a ferret sticking up my nose.
(And worst of all it constantly explodes.)
"Ferrets don't explode," you say
But it happened nine times yesterday
And I should know for each time I was standing in the way.

I've got a ferret sticking up my nose.
(It pokes its head out every time he blows.)
I can stand it for a while
Although it's absolutely vile
It's not as bad as last week when I had a crocodile.

I can see a bare-bottomed mandril.
(Slyly eyeing his other nostril.)
I really don't know what to do
But if it jumps inside there too
I shall be the proud posessor of a kind of nasal zoo.
(A nasal zoo.)

I've got a ferret sticking up my nose.
(He's got a ferret sticking up his nose.)
How it got there I can't tell
But now it's there it hurts like hell
And what is more it radically affects
My sense of smell!

*sees a mindless zombie wandering around and uses its presence as an excuse to snaffle the record containing the 'Ferret Song' and throw it at said zombie*

Your reference to Shaun of the Dead makes you the win for the next five minutes. Use it well.

How dare you defame the work of the Great Masters, Cleese and Chapman!!!!!!!!!!!

But somehow, I think they would be proud. Or ambivalent. Or apathetic. Afterall, this means you have to go and buy a new record now. Hence, they get more money.

Ah sod that. I'll just put on this magical super mega album containing the entire discographies of Alanis Morissette, Letters To Cleo, Sheryl Crow and Allanah Miles

I thought they were banned by a UN resolution.

Luckily, I'm a very mature person and thusly I'll react in the most mature way possible. *punctures eardrums* ALRIGHT. GO AHEAD.

Bah! Nothing you do can defeat the po9wer of 'Angry Girl Rock'!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sure talking to them nicely and tell them that they are loved might calm them down. I think you'll find 'love conquers all'.

I think YOU'll find that actually guns and large missiles conquers all.

*also throws Super Mega album at the zombie*

Got any more? I think he's getting closer.

A real British zombie fighter would have hit the zombie with a record by now and would currently be beating the zombie with a cricket bat. YOU DISGUST ME!

I'm not a real British zombie fighter. I'm a gestalt entity named after a day of the week.

*hit zombie with cricket bat anyway*

I'm not a real British zombie fighter. I'm a gestalt entity named after a day of the week.

*hits zombie with cricket bat anyway*

Oops - sorry for hitting you twice, Mr Zombie.

Art doesn't apologize!

And that's your weakness Evilclaw, all people whether alive or decaying have feelings, emotions and a sense of hope.

No, my real weakness is that my flesh isn't bullet or even sharp thing proof.

*stabifies EvilClaw a little*

Hmmm - interesting.