Journal Entries
The End
Posted Jun 23, 2004
Well, where to begin...
It's, what, 4 weeks now since I had my last exam. That's right, my Last Exam. I walked out of that exam feeling so unbelievably liberated - for weeks, months even, I'd been struggling from one deadline to the next; scribbling out my Final Project Report, cramming one exam after another. 
And then, it was over.
I had a mixed bunch of exams - a couple of them I really screwed up in, and had to spend a day or two just Being Calm to get back on track. Hell, starting off with my first 5 exams all in the space of 3 days wasn't exactly the greatest of luck! And the mixture of subjects did me no favours either, switching between Cybernetics and Psychology can be quite a mental struggle. But I got through; I got knocked down, but I got up again. 
I Didn't Give Up.
I meant to write this journal then - to say that I'd reached the Finish Line, to talk about how thoroughly confused I was by the whole thing. I mean, that's it - there's nothing more of my degree. The one thing that has shaped my life for the last three years ended, on a sunny day, outside "Building 33". 
Inevitably, I started thinking about how it had gone - the last year, and the last three years. Overall, I think I can look back happily on it - I wouldn't have expected to be where I am, and how I am, today, but the only thing I knew when I started was that I had no idea what to expect. I mean, who'd have thought I'd have shoulder-length hair, enjoy cooking, and hope one day to return to Psychology? 
The first year was just thoroughly crazy, the second one of those lucky breaks that puts you in with a great bunch of people. This year has undoubtedly been the hardest, but it's not been a complete disaster - I've learned yet more about myself, and got to know a select few others in the process. If there's one *big* regret, it's that I somehow lost touch with last year's housemates, but such is life; maybe I can get to know them again later. 
But what does "later" mean? Does time have any meaning, when you have no direction to head? I have no idea what happens next! Well, that's not strictly true - I'm going to get a job. As in, a Proper Job; nine-to-five, wear a suit to the interview, that kind of thing - I actually bought a suit when I went to visit my parents for a week! 
The last few weeks *should* have been about trying to move towards looking for that job, thinking what it would be, applying places. But, somehow, I just couldn't - for the first time, there really is no "obvious" route to go down; it's completely up to me where I end up, what I end up doing. The world, it seems, is several species of my seafood... 
So, why am I writing this now, in the middle of the night, a month after my last exam? Because today, it truly ended - I didn't know, even when I first saw it, how much it means to me, how much of the last few weeks have been subtly dominated by it. There was one thing I didn't know whether to regret or not - my Result. 
"Second Class, First Division"
I GOT A 2:1!! 
So now, I can stop worrying about "not doing myself justice"; stop worrying about "scraping through". Now, I can look back on the last three years, and say "I earned myself a degree." Now, I can really start looking forwards, not backwards. I have a 2:1. I have a BSc (Hons) in Intelligent Systems, and there aren't many who can claim that! Now, I can start the rest of my life. [Slowly 
]
The Beginning...
Discuss this Journal entry [6]
Latest reply: Jun 23, 2004
The Home Straight
Posted May 5, 2004
Well, I don't want to push this jogging metaphor too far, but it's definitely kind of appropriate, and it is the exercise that's been keeping me sane. 
Last Poets I handed in my Final Project Report 
; today I had a "colloquium" (a surprisingly unscary talk on said rather hopeless Project); next Thing is the first of my Final Exams - and in three weeks time, my degree will be all over!
And, as usual I'm up, down, 
, 
, 
, , 
, 
... It's going to be a struggle right to the line this month, that's for sure!
The other day, I realised that despite living in Reading, in the heart of the *Thames Valley* for almost three years - I'd never actually seen the Thames. So I set off to find it, with what turned out to be a kind of Chinese Eccles cake (as given to my Japanese housemate for cutting someone's hair) to fill me up. And boy, is it beautiful by the meadows there! Blue sky, green grass, flitting birds amongst the mini-lakes 
. And yesterday, there was the most beautiful - but that just goes to show that the weather has been as typically "changeable" as my mood!
I also got picked up from a steep decline last week by the magic of cinema, which proved once more to have real power over me. In this case, Spirited Away, which I'd seen before but ain't half 
. I came out feeling like I was flying, 
just in time to get the good news that my Dad got his job in the Netherlands! What an international family we've become of a sudden, with my sister in Paris and all... 
So, I get knocked down, but I get up again - "the race is long and hard, but in the end, it's only with yourself". I keep stumbling (as my sleep-deprived brain is all too keen to remind me), but however badly things go, I refuse to give up. See you at the finish line, I guess! 
[IMSoP]
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: May 5, 2004
Hard To Believe
Posted Apr 1, 2004
It's hard to believe that I've turned 21,
It's hard to believe I'm a grown-up
It's hard to believe my degree's almost done:
In less than two months, it's all over
It's hard to believe that my life begins here;
The world's my proverbial oyster
I have to believe that I'll pass, and go far,
I have to look upward, not down
I have to believe that my life is important,
I have to break out of my shell
I have to remember: it's hard, but it's worth it;
I have to hold onto my dreams
I have to go forward with both arms outstretched,
I have to believe in my strength
I have to keep trying, and never give up
If I think that I've lost - then I'll lose
There's a sign on my ceiling that says "You Can Do It"
And I know I'm surrounded by love,
But day after day, as I sit in my room,
I'm finding it hard
to Believe.
Discuss this Journal entry [4]
Latest reply: Apr 1, 2004
The final bend.
Posted Mar 23, 2004
So, yeah, I'm about to graduate, or something! Unless, of course, I don't...
I have 5 weeks of holidays right now, after which there's a couple of weeks of revision classes and stuff, and then the Final Exams. Oh, and I'm supposed to have some kind of massive Project Report to hand in at some point, too... 
It looks like my graduation might end up on the same day as the Summer Meet, which is just 
, cos I haven't been to one of them things in ages, and was really hoping I'd be able to this time.
And suddenly everyone 'cept me seems to be having upturns in their 
lives - which I'm really glad of; it's always good to see people I care about being happy. But I do feel rather lonely at times 
- especially since I'm rather lacking in personal contact at the moment, what with my housemate spending a week in New York (more ) and all my friends disappearing home the minute the holidays began. 
But hey, hey. , "You're Never Alone". My housemate should get back tomorrow, so maybe things will look up a bit. 
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Mar 23, 2004
You are never alone.
Posted Feb 25, 2004
It seems I owe another big 
to my housemate, and good friend. Once again, I got so that I couldn't see the - and once again, love shone through the clouds.
It's funny isn't it, how you can feel so lost and alone, that you can't imagine how you could possibly find your way back to happiness. And yet, all it takes is somebody to understand, point you in the right direction, and let you know that it is possible after all. 
Even when you can't see it, even when you think it's all gone away, there is always love in the world; it takes many forms, and comes from many places, but it never truly leaves you. There is always someone who cares; there is always a path back to joy.
That's what friends are for.
Such is the Power of Love.
&
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Feb 25, 2004
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