h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: One moment of madness - A87757429
Author: GregPius - U13648184

This is a teaser for a longer story.
Not sure if this is the right way to do it but this is how it came to me.

You keep changing tenses between past and present. I can think of a good argument for either one - actually, I'd suggest you change it all to present tense.

The reason is: you're not writing a story, after all. What you're writing is what the movie people call 'a treatment'. Since a 'treatment' is merely the outline of a possible story or film script, it can easily be in the present tensem which will lend immediacy to the narrative.

I wonder if you've ever read Anthony Burgess' novel 'The Clockwork Testament'?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Clockwork_Testament,_or_Enderby's_End

In it, Burgess describes writing a movie 'treatment' based on Gerard Manley Hopkins' 'The Wreck of the Deutschland'.

Which gives me a wicked idea for later...

I meant to post this morning but the server was too busy.

Your piece made me wonder what it is: paranoia, a conspiracy? After all, just how would anybody have know the name and address of the witness? Have there been reports in the newspapers, interviews on TV?

The end sent a chill up my spine.

But as Bel pointed out, that suggests quite a conspiracy. If the terorists have found out where our hero lives, did they have friends in the French police, or MI5, or some global corporation that opposes the French president's policies?

I also agree with Dmitri about tenses. Make it all present tense, and get rid of all those 'had's

Sorry been travelling. I am now in Japan. Here there seems to be so much public trust.
The people expect everyone to do the right thing all the time. They frown on any
misbehaviour. So different from Sydney.

Your comments are excellent. I will adjust the treatment as you suggest.
My fast stories come as flashes to my brain. I am like Nostradamus, I have
no idea of present or future; just what appears to my mind's eye. That is why I need criticism.
It is like an eye witness giving their version on radio, all jumbled until the radio
reporter asks the right questions. So thanks again for taking the time to pull me up.
As for the details of how the terrorist knew where our "hero" lived, I assumed that
the police sold the information. In Sydney, there is so much police corruption that
Sydneysiders take such things for granted. And with the hacking controversy in
London at the moment, other possibilities exist. Maybe a journalist hacked into
the email of someone the French police listed as an eye witness. That would
be a topical solution. But would it be believable? A journalist so focussed on getting
the story that he (or she) hacks into his email to get his address, and then goes an
interviews a representative of the terrorist organisation network in London. With
a desire to get the story, the journalist swaps the eyewitness's address for the
inside details. Is that too trite? See in Sydney we would just shrug and say
"Some police officer told them."

That would depend on the reader. In Australia, the readers would assume some corrupt French police officer sold the information
This may not work in other countries. I am currently in Japan and it would not go over well in this country.
Maybe some internet hacking is the way to go for universal acceptance.

Thanks for the feedback, I will do as you suggest. I am in Japan at the moment (staying in Osaka)!
I will be in Paris on Wednesday, then staying in London the following week. That will give me a chance
to add some realism and background to the treatment. I can also assess the French attitude to their police
and the likelihood of the police corruption option being accepted. In London, I will look for some background
and local knowledge. Thanks again.