h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I'm sure you are all concerned about national safety - well worry no longer, there's some pretty sharp minds in charge of our national defense.

I need home office clearance for some of the work I do, so the official secrets act had to be met.

Question 1. Are you now or have you ever been a member of a terrorist organisation.

That's gonna catch 'em eh ?

My favourite disclaimer : On a lawn strimmer - NOT TO BE USED FOR CUTTING HAIR.

McKay, I had my own troubles with the Australian Official Secrets Act. To get a clearance, I had to provide the full names and current addresses of my parents - but the private company to which such matters have been outsourced couldn't cope when I wrote the single word 'deceased' under Dad's details. Perhaps they wanted the plot and row numbers, so they could dig him up to check...

I did get to point out a few things to these people, and I did get my clearance eventually. But who vets the vetters?

Ivan.

You were lucky ! - I'm adopted - try putting unknown in the father's name space. Only eventually resolved because my adoptive father worked for the home office during WWII.

I had to put 'unknown' one of my grandfathers. This didn't do anything to help matters.

But then again, I'f I'd known then what I know now - my grandfather's identity - it would also have caused trouble. No wonder my grandmother kept quiet about it for sixty years. If I had to be vetted again, I think I'd still put 'unknown' in the relevant space.

Go on.

One of Ned Kelly's by-blows ? (Go Granny.)

>cider>

Worse than that - let's just say he was up to no good during the war, on the other side.

The first time I visited the USA (1985), Brits still needed a visa, and yes, it really did contain the question 'Is it your intention to overthrow the Government of the United States by force?'

The reply 'Sole purpose of visit' has been variously attributed to Gilbert Harding and Evelyn Waugh

I heard Noel Coward....

Just goes to show how a good story is not constrained by facts.

At work, we have official Bomb Threat Procedures. When a bomb threat is made over the phone, we're supposed to ask the crazed would-be bomber where the bomb is, what will cause it to explode, why they've placed the bomb, and what their name is and where they're calling from .

We're also to stay calm and inform our superiors before we call the police and leave the building.

Commentary seems superfluous.

*Says nowt*

Oh dear, I hope I didn't kill the thread - I didn't mean to, honest...

We have a list detailing how to recognize a postal bomb - amongst these is 'Some explosives smell like marzipan.'

OK who smells their mail ?

I must say, I'm not a mail-sniffer.

Marzipan? Is marzipan an explosive? I thought that was licorice. What about the possibility that someone has sent you non-explosive marzipan?

Once you've identified the smell of marzipan, what are you supposed to do next? Bite the package, to see if it tastes like marzipan?

Ivan.