h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Thanks Harle!

The CSA is "supposed" to take new families into account, but in reality, it's assessment system is biased towards the absent family. The allowances made for rent, loans, living expenses, etc, are woefully inadequate, and consequently cripple the new family. Also, they do seem more interested in getting higher payments from the absent parents that they know about, rather than tracking down those that they don't. Believe me, I know

Just had a quick scan - looks good. One comment: 'Usefull sites in the USA' should be spelt 'useful'

Oops, thanks my mind was elsewhere

(Off topic as well) Tell me about it, when I was with a b'f that had a kid living 200 miles away and was filling the form in they wanted to know how much I earnt! Cheeky gits.

Thanks to all of you for your comments and help, keep leaving them I'll sort them out when I get back.

Cheers

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Congratulations!

Yippee!!!

Congratulations Magic

My congratulations too, Magic!

Nicely done.

Thanks to all of you who have helped with this article

Special thanks to Mist and NBY for their inputs

One situation that has not been included in this article is the one where the absent parent is seen by the children on a non regular basis, but takes no part in the care of the children. It is a kind of half way house and I find it disruptive - I would rather he did one thing or the other.
I am beginning to think I am unique in this. My ex comes about once a month to bring me animal food (the only form of maintenance I get from him) and stands in the hallway talking to the children for the duration of his stay. He does not take the children out as he does not have permanent accomodation and says that this limits his ability to do anything with them. I am having problems with my 15 year old son with support only from my father and feel some of this is due the situation with his father (who told the children he was leaving just before my son moved to senior school, but did not leave until I made him do so 18 months later!) - I know I should have done something earlier, but decisions are not easy at the time when you are in a state of shock.
My son refuses to go to a councillor, although I have researched this for him - does anyone have any other ideas?? - My daughter who is 18 months older appears to take the situation in her stride and is developing her life well.

Kitkat,

Sorry I missed that out, I should have known better, I was in that situation for 12 months when my son was 4 and it drove me potty and in the end it did alot of damage emotionally to my son.

I was given some advice by my parents solicitor and I took it, give your ex an ultimatum, either take the kids out and do something with them or stop seeing them, tell him it's messing your son up, he doesn't need permanent accomodation to be able to take them to the pictures and things, or even to see them regularly.

As for maintenance, is he working? If he is get it sorted out, I've never had a penny off my ex, so I know how difficult it is to cope.

Take care and keep your chin up.

He is working, but as far as I know is still clearing the debts from the business that split us up. I will check the CSA site, but as I have been the main wage earner for this family since my son was 6 months old I do not expect much. I was trying for friendly and held off hoping he would get sorted if I did not chase him for money, but nothing is working.


Thanks for your advice, it is helpful to talk to someone else about a situation.

Your always welcome Kitkat, it's hard coping on your own but somehow we manage, just remember your as important as your children and you need to talk about it too. Good luck with the CSA.

Speaking as a occasional dad...the lack of accommodation is a poor excuse. My kids live 60 miles away and I find the time to go and see them and take them out for the day. In the past my living conditions haven't exactly been brilliant, so I didn't have them to stay, but that doesn't stop you seeing them for only a few hours.

Maintenance aside, the cost of having the children for a few hours need not be excessive, and even if it was one visit per month it would hardly break the bank.

This sounds harsh but the reality is that he can't be bothered with them. Many men take a seperation as being final, a chance to start again and not only do they 'dump' their ex-partners, but also the 'baggage'. Perhaps this is due to them feeling that if they are to successfully meet someone else they must be 'free and single' ? I have never found this to be the case though.

I do however know of one man who told his new girlfriend that he wasn't allowed to see his kids, when he in fact never bothered with them. When she found out the truth it ended the relationship as they had planned to get married and start a family, and she realised that he could conceivably do the same to her in the future.....and of course finding out he was a lying rat .

How of course you explain this to kids is anyone's guess, they tend to look up to their dads regardless of what they do, and to say 'He doesn't want to know you' no matter how you phrase it will bring an extensive emotional outburst and paint you as a villain. Life sucks sometimes.

Hope that helped

Written after a night shift when not feeling at one with the world

What Harlequin said. Me too. My kids are with ex-wife number 1. Ex-wife number 2 bankrupted me.

Regular visits need not be interrupted for reasons of no money. Walks in the park are free.

Nice to know there are some decent dads out there, shame they aren't all like you two, but I agree with all you said, it doesn't have to cost anything, so long as they see them.

Harle did you get side tracked again?

Thanks for the replies - it is nice to know that there are some decent dads out there.
The children being teenagers I have asked them about not seeing their dad as he is not making any effort, and they want it to stay as it is. As I am trying to treat them as adults I am respecting their wishes. We have stopped putting him as the contact for school (except for a phone number for dire emergencies), by agreement between the 3 of us. They have also started putting less effort into their side of the relationship, and failed to send him anything for his birthday as we have no definite address, and he did not bother to arrange to see them on the day. I hope that means that they are coping with it.
Maybe the problems I am having with my 15 year old son are due to his age - but that would be a whole different thread!

Hi Kitkat.
I have to agree with Harlequin as well.
My ex never bothers with our son even though he lives in the same town.
He gets £5 a week taken out of his dole money, that goes to the CSA.
I had to fight for years to get that.
He never bothers sending a birthday card/gift or Christmas card/gift for the lad.
This was my second family.
I raised 3 children from my marriage alone, from them being 7, 6 and 2 years of age. Their dad saw them every weekend to start with, but as soon as he moved in with his girlfriend {who had 2 kids of her own}, the hours gradually got less and less...he went on holiday with them, not our kids. I watched my kids pain, and I can't believe I am living the nightmare all over again.
Teenage angst, believe me, they do get through it, so do you!
My older kids are all adults now.
I do get help from the Social Services with my youngest son, but that's because he has special needs.
I get one day/night a month respite care.

Have you tried asking your ex if he would babysit for you one night?
He might stay with the kids if you weren't around.

How are you doing, Kitkat?