h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: The Brooke - A87726739
Author: Fizzymouse- no place like home - U1899683



As I've said elsewhere I'm not much good at this and only throwing it in to see if I can help get others to sign up.

Go on you know you can write something better than this.

This is really funny. I like it. Vivid descriptions.

A question: Did you mean to say the patients were 'antsy' around the full moon?

Now, see, people, that's how it's done. You can see the people.

I think you could do more with this -build it up to be scarier or more surreal.

The pieces about the behaviour of the patients are good. But we need to know more about the narrator. Is she a female patient, or one of the staff?

If I was writing this story, I would start with the narrator. It would be interesting if she was one of the nurses - sure of her own importance, trying to be competent, laughing at the patients' antics. But she falls to pieces under pressure, has to be restrained, ends up as a patient.

Hey, this is a good one Mini, very interesting and I liked the plot twist.

Thanks guys.

Did I mean antsy? Probably.

Funny MVP, when I wrote this at the weekend the narrator was female nurse in it and that's exactly the way it was going to go. Then I saw that it had the potential to get a bit too long for the guidelines. Then I saw that it might be better if we didn't know who was narrating it until the very end. Then I thought it could be a nurse gone bad or a patient all along.

I started out going for creepy and ended up wanting funny.

Before submitting it I went through it and removed all references (bar one) that might indicate who was narrating - but it's still very predictable.

What I think I'll do is let the hare sit for a while and see if I can make it a better story at the weekend when I'm feeling a bit perkier.


Thanks for the help and comments.

I'm glad you said that you 'started out going for creepy and ended up wanting funny'.

I thought I hadn't properly appreciated the humour again!

It could be either. But I still want to know about the narrator.

And I'm not sure what the 'guidelines' say about length.

The guidelines say between one and two A4 pages if printed in normal sized text. That's quite .... specific, and I didn't want to overdo it.

I should maybe have mentioned this was part of the 'create' challenge A87724894

Well, I wasn't expecting that ending.

I think that's a good thing. I wasn't sure where it was going, but it certainly ended with a bang.

I assumed it was a nurse btw. Don't know why now looking back.

Thank you, Sol.

I'm surprised you were surprised by the ending.

It rather misses the brief for Create by a mile or a month but hey, it was my first effort at this sort of thing in long many a year and sticking to the brief was never one of my strong points.