h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Major Valentine - A47208297
Author: minichessemouse - One hangover, free to good home. - U8131912

Possibly a poem for The Stretcher. I am not sure if it is finished yet. Thoughts and comments appreciated.

mini

"A love that's growing evermore no he is at rest"

Should be:

"A love that's growing evermore now he is at rest"

This is your best poem yet, I think. Well done!

oops sorted.

mini

The theme is a good one, I think.

And, with apologies to Kipling, it seems to work well.

Two problems: This poem needs some serious punctuation.

And the last line is confusing. I do not see the connection between a love that's growing evermore and his being at rest.

oh yeah, punctuation, umm not really my forte.

and she loves him more because he is gone, sort of absence makes the heart grow fonder. umm like i said i am not sure if it is finished, so any suggestions for improvements would be good.

mini

Those would be my suggestions, then: put in some punctuation to help us read it, and think about that ending.

ok thanks i will look at it again in the morning.

mini

Neat story poem . It’s sort of fun and sad at the same time.

Once the punctuation’s in it’ll work I think. There are places where it’s really needed for the meter.

You could play with different endings, trying one where the widow is not happy with the implication that’s everything’s alright because he’s been given an ‘honourable display’, as it were. Or perhaps she’s happier now he’s in a museum case! She might have her eye on a Major General !

You've created two clear images and that's great!

However, I don't like the inversions in the normal word order to ensure that the lines rhyme: 'onto his men to pass' and 'country he did save'.

I agree that the last line is open to the interpretation that the widow is happier without him!

I have tried putting some punctuation (mostly fullstops and commas).

How is it looking now? Inverted word order is something i rather like, even in essays and reports i am guilty of using bizzare grammar. The fact that it helped with the rhyme (i dont seem to ever write unrhyming poetry) is beside the point.

Does it need another stanza to make the meaning clear? I am not usually in the AWW so any advice would be appreciated.

mini

Okay. Here's my best shot in copy-editor mode. Please feel free to heed, use, change, or completely disregard:
FIRST STANZA:

Line 2: Leave out 'he', put full stop after 'balloon'.
Line 3: comma at end
line 4: 'Just waiting for the orders that he to his men must pass'. (Still inverted, a nod to the period, but marginally better than 'onto'.)

SECOND STANZA:

line 1: end with full stop.
line 2: Capital N, full stop.
line 3: comma
line 4: 'his wits are always keen.'

THIRD STANZA:

line 1: 'Sergeant Major Valentine his country died to save - '
line 4: leave out comma

FOURTH STANZA:

line 1: 'Sergeant Major Valentine - his widow stops to stare'
line 2: 'At medals and dress uniform looked after with fond care.'
line 3: 'A museum is a proper place for this memory to rest,'
line 4: 'The love of country lives forever. Now he lies at rest.'

Umm right Dimitri. I have used some of your suggested grammar ghanges and rewritten the last two lines again. Any better?

mini

Better.

I still think:

'onto his men to pass' is a serious mistake.

'inspired to be keen' sounds clunky, and will detract from the overall polish of your poem.

In stanza 2, I think 'Nobody could imagine' would be better than 'nobody could think'.

Not happy with the last line. 'Passed away' seems the wrong phrase for somebody who died in a war.

Hope the feedback helps.

i will look at it again later.

The poem says nothing about him being killed in the battle, but yeah i need to rethink it and maybe add another stanza.

would unto work in place of onto, i do realise onto is a bit of a non word. might put the original line ending there instead and see if that works any better. "waiting for the orders, to do some good, and fast" but again that is a bit "clunky" as you say.

Might find another alternative for "inspised to be keen" aswell, but again need some time to think about it.

mini

Take your time. Polishing poems is work. But you know that.

And yes, I think 'unto' is better than 'onto', because it's more idiomatic.

I like your other line, too.

I realise the poem says nothing about his being killed in battle. But we'll probably all jump to that conclusion.

The thing to do when taking a step back is to ask yourself:'What is the reader going to think about what is going on? What do I want them to think? What is my take-home message?'

Right now, your take-home message isn't so clear. What you're wanting to say - I think - is:

There is a difference between this man's public persona, and the celebration of him in a memorial, and the private love he had with his wife.

Since you're talking about the public persona, I think you get more 'bang for the buck' out of a sharp line that keeps the private part private, but points it out.

Oh, and of course we have to think we're really clever and just figured that out all by ourselves...

Readers are horrible, and think the writer does no work at all.

Re-tweaked. And now i have to go be musical for a few hours, so will read any other suggestions when i get back.

mini

I like it fine this way, except for that last line...

I agree with Dmitri that this is better,but the last line is still a weakness.

Definitely amongst the best stuff you've produced - I quite like the meter, it fits with the military subject.

Unfortunately, the filter won't let me say what I think about this.

Absolutely effing brilliant poem. My favourite of the submissions so far.