h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Superman Sansom Shorn - A40238039
Author: minorVogonpoet - U3099090

This dodgy bit of verse was originally written as a reply to Langsandy's 'The Elevator Operator' but I see that he's removed that.

I like it!

Thank you, Cyzaki.

Don't really see the connection with langsandy's story here.

The verse is jingly, so that the irregular rhythms distract. 'Shone' and 'gone' don't rhyme where I come from, but that might be a dialect quibble.

What detracts from the verse is the obvious moralising: telling us what to take away from it is not subtle enough to match the breezy, ironic, almost iconoclastic intent of such touches as calling the Philistines the 'Philis'. (Oh, and as an ex-Philadelphia resident, I resent the slur on my baseball team.)

Also, the last two lines (an afterthought?), in which it is speculated what Delilah wants, looks tacked on.

We never had a glimpse into her interior thoughts before this. It has the effect of a sudden shift in POV.

While the summation of Samson as somebody who thinks with his, er, jawbone (and think where that jawbone comes from!) is very Biblical, the style demands that we experience at least a soupcon of something new for it to work.

I stick to my guns about humour being much harder to write than tragedy.

mVp I'd like to say I enjoyed it and it reads well but I can't to be perfectly honest.
The rhythm and rhyme just didn't seem to click to me so I got a bit sidetracked as it came across as a bit disjointed, I kept going I wonder if the next ryhme will rhyme and thus got sidetracked from the story.

The fourth stanza comes across as the best one for me.

Can't offer too much in advice as I don't write structured poetry, much prefering free form.


Cheers

Thanks Dmitri, Keith.

I was trying to write the story of a man who thinks with his - well, jawbone isn't the part of his anatomy that I had in mind - and pays the penalty.

You're right that the rhythm doesn't work - it moves from iambic to dactylic and back again. That's what comes of trying to experiment with different rhythms!

I could sort out the rhythm, and I could take off the last stanza if it's too moralising. Not sure it's worth the effort.

Seems to me it is worth the effort, not least because giving the story of the verse its head, so to speak (I seem to be suffering from unintended puns this morning, sorry), might lead somewhere.

Like maybe, a sharper 'moral'. (Maybe something wry, a bit off-beat?)

I always think it is better to leave the last step to the reader.

Which means I am almost always surprised by feedback, since that last step can go somewhere I never thought of myself.

Or, if you don't feel like messing with Samson here, why not take the verse approach - this breezy, ironic tone - and apply it to another classic tale?

Making up funny (and unexpected) morals for the story might be fun.

Like this take on what Malabarista calls 'death by drama-queening':

http://www.poetry-archive.com/h/ballad_of_the_oysterman.html

OK, I've done as Dmitri recommended. Thanks Dmitri.

I've given the rhythm a good kicking round its feet. It's a bit more regular and less jingly now.

I've taken out the moralising and inserted a different end.

I like the wig.

Thanks Dmitri.

I like the irreverence . If I had a suggestion, it would be to give more edge but I reckon you've achieved what you wanted of this already?

Thanks Llwaz.

I don't think this bit of dodgy verse deserves much more effort.