h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: A Sort of Homecoming - A33843341
Author: la_chupa - U11244042

This is my first at bat. I'm pretty sure I'm going to strike out looking but you gotta start somewhere.

I think you captured the spirit of it well. It has a ring of truth. I was dreading meeting the monstrous parents, right up until the end. Then suddenly it's the distorted memory of an ex-rebellious adolescent and the sympathy swaps to the parents, who might be okay after all.

There was only one point where the reality faltered a tad: "Even the dog was jumping up and down." It was the word "Even" that threw me. In my experience, if there's any jumping around and kicking up a great fuss to be done, the dogs are the first to start it and the last to stop

It's a good read. Thank you

That is a good point. I got jumped on yesterday when I got home. I suppose 9 hours is a long time to a dog.

The thing with the parents was two-sided like most things like this are, but a lot of it had to do with being parented by someone suffering from undiagnosed clinical depression. All water under the bridge now at least.

Thanks for wading through this.

S'pose it depends on the dog. For some 5 minute is excuse enough for major greeting rituals

There are usually a few people here in AWW who know a lot more than I do about writing: the 'Underguide Volunteers'. Normally I'm on the receiving end of their help. Since it's so quiet at the moment I'll be bold enough to make a suggestion. But feel free to ignore it.

I wonder if there might be a way to make it a little more clear that the anxiety doesn't come entirely from the adolescent rebellion reaction to perfectly reasonable parents. Just a hint. So that the reader doesn't change sides so completely at the end.

As for the "wading through" - my pleasure

The "wading through" was my pleasure too. I like it a lot, it has something engagingly honest about it and the unexpected ending is good. You convey the feeling well - I know exactly that nervous working out of timings before setting out that you have at the beginning. The atmosphere in sitting in the dark in the rest area I particularly liked. And the name on the mailbox. That was moving, for a reason I haven't worked out yet.

I'm not much at critique but I'll chuck in some for consideration.
Tibley Bobley's suggestion is an interesting one but would need to be carefully done or the focus would change from an unwilling journey seen through to its end which is one of its strengths imo. But if you could do it, it would add to the achievement in seeing the journey through.
Give it a close reread. You obviously have an ability to write so I think you'll pick up on places where you could polish it up - things like two 'sinks' in the first sentence of the second para.
although it wasn't a wade through, rereading looking for places for tightening up is always worthwhile - it can pay surprising dividends
the pacing caged animal comparison didn't quite work for me in that it suggests pent up frustration more than nervousness.

Thanks for the read, it was a good one, and thanks for putting yourself up for target practise ,
Waz

Thanks for a good read. This creates a vivid picture of a young person wrestling with a complex set of feelings about 'home'.

However, I agree with Tibley that the end is a bit of a let down. We expect the narrator to find some terrible situation when he finally gets home. I think we need some indication - even if it's only in the form of hints - of what is wrong in his family.

Thanks to all for reading this. I’ll get back to it. This was a bit of stream of consciousness which looking over it now seems somewhat obvious. I’ll edit it but I find that I have to be in the proper frame of mind. So far it hasn’t quite hit.

No rush. I reckon you've got something worth polishing here though.