h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Two Boxes and a Suitcase - A19836237
Author: amaranthine_trail - U2233701

Hello, I am trying to get better at this writing thing! Comments are welcome!

Lots of interesting use of language, and a hint of an fascinating story about the road trip from Oulu to Ankara.

However, I could do with a bit more clarity about what is happening to whom, when. It may be that I'm just getting stupid in my old age, or that I've missed something, but I don't really follow it.

Uh-oh, I did not sense that. Thanks for bringing it up!

This is a difficult one. I can pick a story out this, and there are some really intriguing images to look at. On the other hand, my first reaction was that it was over elaborate in places and I can't be sure if the story I found is the one you intended.

Do you mind if I ask when in using 'elevated plane' for upper level - is it originality you're aiming at or is it that the connotations of the word 'elevated' are important to the piece?

Part of the reason it was difficult was because some of the allusions, words, places are new to me, but I've had a fascinating time googling them. I now know where Oulu is, and what Ammijaan and Khalajaan means. I've found two explanation for the banyan roots though I don't know which applies - the root that chains or the root that strangles? Cap Morgan has me beat - it seems to be a drink but I can't fit that into the story.

I would like to know, just curiosity, about the banyan roots and Cap Morgan if you don't mind explaining?

Anyway, thank you for the read, the pictures and the education! I think I still feel it's over elaborate but it's strong in suggesting new ways of seeing things. Excellent last line and title, btw.

I generally like writing that makes the reader work a bit, but this goes a bit too far for my taste.

It's overwritten in the extreme. That's not always a bad thing, but there has to be some redeeming balance and at least a foothold or two in the narrative.

You can obviously write. Tone down the pyrotechnics a bit, and get people on your side with some storytelling.

Pin
(FWIW, I know Oulu pretty well. It's amonge the most straightforward, no-frills places I've been, which is ironic in the context)

Now, I like this, because it is surreal. It reminds me of what might happen if Tom Wolfe got drunk with Philip K Dick...

However. It might be good to break up the paragraphs, and add a little more straight narrative, so people with, let us say, a more linear view of reality could have something to hold onto.

Hi LLwaz,
Thank you for your comments. I was trying to bring out the irony in a random woman wanting to start a new life with the protagonist when his life is shattered. The story is composed of memories- Fardis, the narrator's best friend had died and his mum went into coma after that. She is now conscious and he pays a visit to her. The Cap Morgan is the Whiskey, it is to signify the trauma he goes through every night, shattering the bottles. The Banyan tree's long roots are metaphorical memories lynching him.

Apologies, I did not intend to set the reader on an exercise in Wikipedia .

Thanks, Pinniped. Duly noted.

Dmitrigheorgheni,
Thanks, I guess it does lack structure and can indeed be more straight-forward.

Chips,

Greetings amaranthine_trail, we'd like to feature your Two Boxes and a Suitcase in the UnderGuide slot on h2g2's front page. Congratulations on getting a nomination from the UnderGuide Miners, and here's what our QA had to say:

"Obviously an unusual piece of writing, and one I like more than its author’s already UnderGuided ‘Boundaries and Quandaries’. It’s not as good technically, but it’s more surprising. The piece is condensed, to say the least. It’s overwritten in terms of the language, and yet sparse in content. The story’s all there, but you have to work quite hard to decode it, while in the meantime the richness of the curious narrative buzzes away in your head.
Not every phrase works, and there’s a strong sense of self-indulgence about it, but it’s well worth it’s place in the UnderGuide."

Congratulations again, , and many thanks for posting here,
UGeds