h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Orphans of God - A24867129
Author: ianhimself - U5477852

this one is a fragment really.... i'm still not sure just what i want to say.... except that his father should have been there...

any comments welcome

Wow. A powerful statement, just as it is.

Powerful stuff.

One or two points. There was a stage, about paragraph four, when I thought that the funeral was for the daughter. Could we have a hint here that the mourning is for a friend?
I thought the sentence beginning "At University, he..." was awkward.
I did, however, like the long sentence without punctuation, where we discover the fate of the young man.

Why the title?

Yes, his father should have been there Ian. That is the very powerful and thought provoking comment you have left us with. Perhaps the big question is, why was he not there?

I renember at school we would write down a statement in the middle of a page, then add all the links that sprang to mind, to explore and expand the original statement or "nerve centre" of the issue.

Why was the young man in a coffin, his life snuffed out before he had lived, by his own hand? Why did he take drugs? Why did he steal? Why would a father find himself unable to attend his own son's funeral?

Not easy questions and the answers will be surely much more complex than any quick observations.

Are we all orphans of God because we can't find him in the Godless world we live in? Or were you thinking of our youth in particular

Is it perhaps a lack of love and respect for each other in general among modern humanity that is the reason for the breakdown in society, so much emotional pain, need, so much "searching" for something and a deep loneliness of the heart and soul?

"Love thy neighbour as thyself" is an old fashioned maxim in this 21st century that we are living in, and we have new Gods to follow.

Just a few thoughts that came to mind Ian, as I read and re-read your poignant story and felt it's impact. Thank you for sharing it

this is an incredible piece of writing. i am not going to address the grammar format etc issues... i just wanted to say that i love the way the speaker's anger ebbs and flows... each time building a little more until the final crescendo.

and since i have been at similar services... ie have had this experience... i know this piece is True... speaks truely... and, so far, for me, is the best treatment of the thoughts and feelings and confusions that rage within a person in the midst of such grief... that weave a braid of intertwining thoughts with varying textures of emotions...

this piece is like a symphony.

So, ianhimself has done it again. Wow.

TRiG.

thank you "I am not" ...... and indeed you too Trig ....all of you, in fact......

Your story was just entrancing. It really riles up the reader, and sends some good messages. And, of course, the "parallel stories" combining at the end was powerful. I'm a bit in awe, actually.

Great work. You have a way with words.

MC

I like best the paragraph on fatherhood, that makes me think most.

That gave me a shiver down my back.

I agree with minorVogonpoet about wondering who's funeral it was - and about the "At University he..." paragraph.

I can't see an easy fix without messing up the Uni bit - the best I can come up with is:



That suits my reading but... is it any clearer to others?

No complaints.
A tour de force of stream of consciousness writing.
Bravo.

Got a dad a bit like that meself.
Been married five times and spent more time with his new families than he ever did with his first, me borther and me.
We're his only naturals, as he went and got himself tied during his second marriage. Apparently he didn't want to reproduce with that one or he didn't want to deal with the babies. Maybe me borther and I were a couple of hands full. I dunno.

But I wonder if he would come to my funeral if I predeceased him.
I know he came to my wedding. He had to, he was the presiding minister.

Here again ianhimself, to say congratulations on another entry of yours being voted into the <./>underguide</.>. You must know the Polishing etc drill off by heart now!

, and many thanks for the contributing here,
UGeds.

Thanks again guys!... and to everyone else ......

re the clumsy phrasing thing (2 or 3 posts above here) yeah.... you're probably right....sometimes i think that if a phrase is clear to me then it's de facto clear to everyone else..... i think it's called being over obsessed with one's own point of view..... however, i am too lazy to change what i've written ... though if the polishers want to ... it's fine by me....

i'm intending to try and produce some more stuff soon ...... though "intending to" and "actually doing" are often so maany aeons apart...

Oh and re Rod's and Trig's comments ...... it is a weakness of mine to value the sound of words over and above their precise gramatical juxtaposition..... it occasionally (hell, tell it like it is ian, OFTEN!) creates ambiguities lke those you have highlighted ..... however, i suppose that deep down i believe that stories are not in their natural milieu when written down ... stories were made for telling....round a campfire under a darkling sky.... or whispered into the silence for a lover to hear.... or recited to the rhythm of tribal drums ...... all of those ....

i am as far as i am committed to anything, committed to the notion stories are just songs seeking their own music.... and that the sound of the words is what gouges deep down into our emotions and finds the reaction it seeks....like deep calling out to deep (if that's not too pretentious a thought)

and so the comments that reach me here are from those who have felt some kind of primeval reaction to the story in their gut...and whilst i agree (at least in part) with the more techincal comments..... i find myself unable to sacrifice (perceived) emotional impact for correct form!

Devastated though I am, I accept with a sigh and force myself to congratulate you.
RtB

Oh, Ian, you've done it again. Please pass the tissues.

Always lovely to read. Thank you so much.

good to hear you again Chips .....

how's stuff with you anyway?

Ah Rod ...chuckles.....

I suspect that it's our celtic way of reconstructing your perfectly good language infrastructre ..... some sort of bloodless rebellion ....led over the top by lance corporal bono!

Hello, Ian, I'm fine thanks.

Not sure about my primeval gut reaction though

Stories told round a campfire under a darkling sky. Yes.

Your writing, Ian, is powerful and quiet. That's quite some skill.

TRiG.