h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Postcard Challenge - Wish you were here, Blackpool, Dec'04. - A21211336
Author: LLwaz - U123301

(must remember to select the right Workshop, must remember to select the right Workshop, must remember to select the right Workshop...)


Ok, after being wrongly posted to the Workshop next door, here's an attempt, as per A20847963.

Blackpool as requested. Probably not the Blackpool meant. This is the one I know though. I suspect the real experience bits need better adapting.

A lovely read.

Not the Blackpool I remember either !

too.

The trouble with this format is that, if it's good, 250 words isn't nearly enough.

Capitalisation in the first phrase would make sure the two Old Ladies are one and the same, and frame it better.

A different tense or two might be worth an experiment. The present lends vitality, which maybe you don't want. How about the future? It's good for waiting.

Romanian girls maybe gaggle rather than stream. I don't believe that a man like Barry would take an hour to drain a shot glass. His penchant for sighing get a bit heavy too. Maybe he really picks his nose?

Coincidentally neat that you chose Blackpool, and I chose the car-park that actually gets the longed-for casino.

A revision tried – keeping the Old Lady but making more of a finished story for Barry. more finished than he deserves, maybe. Trying a bit of future tense was interesting. It did for Barry! It takes a lot more words to do.

The girls still don’t gaggle. I didn’t want to sacrifice real dancers for made-up gagglers – but gagglers might fit better. Why the dancers were part of the hotel being run down takes more explaining than there’s room for. I've had a shot at it but don't think it's enough.

All in all it feels as though it’s bulging at the seams and a successful Postcard ought to feel right at its 250 words. It's been interesting trying, but I don't think this is the right piece to do this with.