h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Shashtars and Dhambouras - A46228791
Author: Keith Miller: Australian, 'In Excelsis'. - U1287143

Outline:- This is about Afghanistan. I don't wish to explain too much about it apart from the fact that a Luthier is a mender of guitars or... One that makes or repairs stringed instruments.
Shastars + Dhambouras are Afghani stringed instruments.

The founder of the Mughal dynasty was Babur, "The Tiger," who ruled from 1483 to 1530.
His famed gardens and his resting place are here and I found the new barbarism juxtaposed with the old an interesting subject

This is good: evocative and thought provoking. I loved the opening

I had got a bit lost by 'provider bereft of manliness'. I'm not sure if you meant the sense it suggested to me.

Details: first line 'dawny', and second line 'mornings'.

This poem is a quantum leap above anything I've seen in this venue in a long time.

Wow.

Keep this up.

This feels real. You don't need to know all the words, so please don't let anybody suggest footnotes.

I get the point. I don't need to know all the details.

I don't knowo what someone might believe was suggested by the word 'manliness', but I would suggest substituting 'manhood'. And let people think what they will.

Some of us in this world are looking for ways to say the almost-unsayable.

For my money, you got there this time, friend.

A couple of word suggestions: 'dawney coloured', I'm not sure if you meant 'dawn, coloured' or 'tawney coloured'.

'scarred stumps denoting cruelty' - I would take out that word 'denote' because it loses the register and overstates the point. Maybe 'scar stumps, signs of cruelty'? (You'll think of better.)

Thank you for writing this.

Hey thanks guys, I've worked and worked at this, just little bits here and there over time and I made up that word 'dawney' as I just sort of pictured myself sitting there watching the dawn arrive.

A friend in Scotland said the same thing after his first read and he said it was up to me. Is it a sticking point you think? Maybe I need to revert to "Dawn coloured".

Hmm,your both perceptive(as usual)about the line's were I'm trying to get across the Luthier's loss and the resultant pressure on his wife.

Manhood sounds good dmitri and I'll give some thought to removing denotes and trying for something more easy on the eye and ear.

Thank you both mVp+Dmitri for taking the time to read it and comment on it.

Cheers Keith

Well I've changed dawney to dawn, manliness to being. I tried manhood but it rang wrong. I know what I'm trying to get across to the reader and that is: That this man in the eyes of his countryman has lost his manhood, his patriarchal manliness, when he could no longer work and his wife went on the streets to beg. His sense of 'being'.

I'll try the changes for a wee bit and see if they gel.

What do you think?
It's not exactly a whimsical bit of poesy about a sunny memory or a walk along a windswept shore amongst the spuming waves!

Thanks for the clarification, Keith. I'm relieved 'bereft of manliness' didn't mean castration.

I'm not sure about dawn coloured, because dawn is inevitably dawn coloured, isn't it? Perhaps tawny would be better.

By the way, I was wrong about morning's!

I think this is a powerful poem, and there is no reason why poetry can't deal with hard subjects.

I like the changes. I am not sure about 'being'. I think it's too vague.

'Honour'? I would have thought 'manhood' would have worked, but if some readers are going to think about literal castration, maybe not...

Would 'dawn's coloured' work, or don't you want the repetition with 'morning's'?

Whew. That's impressive. Horrible. Grim. But really impressive.

I looked up 'dawny'. It wasn't in the dictionary. But imo it should be

Well done Keith!

Well much as I do like my made up word I'm going to leave it as just plain old 'dawn' and I'm going to run with dmitri's suggestion of 'manhood': Surely the preceding verse explains that by the loss of his fingers the husband no longer considers himself the man and supporter?

I'm OK with this now.



@Tib. I like 'dawny'too but nearly everyone who has commented on this has picked up on it.(it's been well and truly picked over for a year or more by other poets I know)
So I give in and dawn it is!

Good for you!

You can argue about poems till the proverbial cows come home, but in the end it's your poem, so stick to what you feel works best.

Loved reading this. Hard stuff but in a beautiful setting.

The expanations here added to it, but are not necessary to it.

I did wonder if it was castration that was meant - perhaps beacause of the context I read from. It's niggling me that there's another way of expressing it but I can't put my finger on it.

Emasculated - that was it. Thesaurus says it's an archaic version of castrated, yet to me it suggests a wider range of possibilities. Odd.

Thanks for having a read LLWaz. Yeah emasculated is the idea I'm trying to get across.
It's funny but I thought the fact that he's had his fingers chopped off might of been enough of a hint at his loss of 'manhood', 'manliness' as I originally had it.


Cheers

Hello Keith, we'd love to feature Shashtars and Dhambouras in the UnderGuide's front page slot. Congratulations on another UG selection . It was nearly further congrats on being a Gem of the Month but Trout's SHELL just pipped you to the QA post.

The QA's other comments included "Strange and thought-provoking, and ultimately quite political, with the grace of antiquity shot through with raw modernity. It asks some uncomfortable questions about the futility, let alone the morality, of subjugating alien cultures. And it’s beautifully written too. KM reveals a hitherto unsuspected side to his skills."

Thank you for your contributions here, they're appreciated.
UG Eds

Well done Keith!

Well done, Keith

Well I'm feeling quite flushed and happy. Thank you to mVp and dmitri as they are the true stalwarts of the AWW and also to Tib as they all give good advice which I do heed.

Thank you to the UG Ed's also for taking the time to read it and to reply with such kind words, this is one of my favorite poems as I can see it in my mind which is a thing I can't always do.