h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Feed a Child with just a Click! - A41899053
Author: Zeg Must Prove Brains - U759711

This is a poem about an internet phenomenom, and I want to give it a home on the internet. Been some time since my last entry came up on h2g2, but I remember enjoying the process...

The idea behind this is really well thought out. It gets to the heart of why we are nervous about these websites.

I would suggest, however, that the style is ragged, and will make the reader even more nervous than the topic warrants.

I would recommend focussing the voice a bit: be just a little more serious about the proposition, and avoid any 'cute' phrasing that gives the reader the impression this is intended as doggerel.

I agree with Dmitri that this is an argument well-worth airing on the web.

The question is whether the argument is better expressed in poetry or prose. If you wanted to make a reasoned case, you would be better off using prose, because you can state the arguments for and against helping a child in this way, and say more about the organisations that make this kind of plea. If you want to keep it personal, focusing on your thoughts as you sit alone by your computer, there's no reason why you shouldn't use poetry.

However, if you choose to use poetry I would suggest that you use non-rhyming poetry. The problem with using rhyming poetry for this sort of subject is that the readers get so carried along with the rhyme and rhythm that they don't take the argument seriously. My own view, for what it's worth, is that when writing poetry, it's more important to look for striking words and verbal images than to look for rhymes.

I wouldn't mind doing a prose extract - in fact, that was where I started, then I wrote the poem from ideas that cropped up there.
Not sure I'd want to write non-rhyming poetry, though. That always feels like a let down to me - like writing an "I woke up and it was all a dream" ending.
I'll admit there are a couple of rocky patches in my rhyming (you won't believe how gutted I was when I found out how Buenoes Aires was really pronounced) but I'm not sure I want to let the whole style go. I think it reflects the slightly deranged feel of the poem well. It may be an archaic style (I took inspiration from Robert Browning, in case you couldn't tell) but I'm very attached to it.

I think the rhyme could work, but it needs a much subtler touch.

As it is, the poem doesn't convey the idea so much as it veers off into cuteness, which I am sure is not intended.

To pull something like this off in rhyme requires tight control of register.

The first stanza is overblown, and the second stanza has that jingly, ad-agency quality, with the bad rhyme Facebook...take a look.

If you're going to be hard on the people who put up that website, you need to be much harder on yourself as a writer.

The poem gets better as it goes along - although Buenos Aires has *got* to go - but it needs a much stronger setup.

I've nothing against rhyming poetry - I write it myself but, because of that, I know it's hard to get right. Rhyme and rhythm need to flow together without being too obtrusive.

You seem to be using a rhythm which follows two light stresses with a heavy one, and this does tend to sound jingly. (I tried it in my poem Superman Samson Shorn' and it didn't really work.) You need to prepared to read your poem aloud several times and spot the places which jar, eg 'website' and change them. It also limits the jingly quality if you can carry on the sense of the sentence beyond the line end rhyme.

Thanks, that was much more helpful. There might be a short period of trial and error before I get it updated, but I'll get to it soon.

I hope so, because the idea is, as Dmitri said, very good. And there's some strong, thought provoking, stuff in this.

In this version it does feel in places that the subject matter is serving the form, though. As Dmitri and MVP have also said.

Sorry to do no more than repeat what's already been said but I really wanted to post to say there's real potential in it.

Thank you for the read,
Waz

Updated. Cut the first two stanzas down to one, since I felt I wasted a bit in set up. Switched the Buenos Aires to a Rio based rhyme, and fiddled a little with everything else. Let me know what you think.

I think this feels more serious now. It seems to have lost the 'cuteness' that Dmitri complained about.

I'm not sure about the rhymes 'button' and 'cut off from', and 'Rio' with'know'.

I've consulted with those with my poetry group, and I'll get to futher editing whenever I've a moment to spare. I'm up to my neck in overtime at the minute, but I'll get to it

Yes. Cuteness gone away. Good job.

It still needs some tidying up with phrases and spelling, but you've got a better voice there now.

Agreed, but it's the last four verses that are really strong and I worry that some readers might not get that far through the four verses before. Those first four verses have their own merits but are not as focused... I'd cut that fourth verse I think - it doesn't add a new idea. The ideas and hard honesty in the last half deserves the best frame they can have, even at some sacrifice - well that's my .

I'd also look at 'hungry young wraith' because as a phrase its sound is too soft for its subject. Having just watched a newsclip from Zimbabwe I want to hiss and spit that there are child wraiths in today's world.

Got to run or I'll be late for work. You've got some really good stuff here, worth working on.

Alright, new draft. I'm pretty happy with most things except the (deleted) fourth paragraph - there was an idea in there, but I wasn't expressing it properly. I may keep mucking around to see if I can clarify it and stick it back in, but I must admit the poem at the moment works better without it.

Other than that, dead chuffed.

Improved, I'd say.

I'm assuming 'salavation' was a typo. (If you meant 'salivation', that might be interesting, as well.)

I think this is a really good poem and it flows really well. In the fifth verse line one I am probably reading it wrong but I need a bit of help understanding it. Is it referring to the starving children.

This is tauter and therefore more effective now.

I agree.

I think you need to be careful of the length and the focus to keep this effective. Before adding back in, I’d go through the exercise of doing a version of about half the length to really find the essentials, then adding back. Difficult I know. And it is good as is.

An easier fix is the minor jar of the two ‘moments’ in the 2nd verse.

I asked someone else to read this, for a fresh view. Their verdict, having read to the end was it’s good (they wouldn’t say that lightly).

However, and here’s the but, they wouldn’t have read past the first verse if they hadn’t been reading at my request. It confirms my feeling that those first verses are not reader-grabbing enough to get readers who are not motivated by reviewing. And I reckon, sorry I know I’m repeating myself, that the last verses deserve lots of readers.

Last post, I promise. I could their attitude change as they read from reading to keep me happy to their interest really being engaged.