h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Miserere - A12507374
Author: langsandy - U4056622

this candle lit for her

That's a lovely poem.

Yes.
Very poignant.
Did you want crit? (It's not right to offer crit unasked when the material is personal)
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I'd love one - from a walrus or a silkie - even better

OK, crit

The first stanza is effective and a good set up.
The verb “call” in the following stanza is weak. “Cry” would be more emotionally powerful. This construction will stand (and IMO be helped by) a lot of repetition.
The first line of the third stanza is a familiar cliché. This too dissipates the emotional power. “Sleeping” has nothing to do with kittiwakes - you’ve achieved a set up, so use it. If you want to use clichés, you should at least make sure to use ones that resonate. Flying away is an obvious possibility.
The closing line of the same stanza scans awkwardly. The rest of the poem is sparse, but her there are many words. Either the “my” or the “to me” is superfluous - you don’t need both in there.
The waking references would alter if you change the sleeping one, obviously.
In the last stanza, “yet” is better than “still” because it has simultaneous apt meanings - “although” as well as “meantime”. It also strikes me as a sadder word (“still” has a sense of tranquillity, “yet” has a sense of yearning).
If you cried earlier, crying at the end makes a further resonance. You could go call (kittiwake), cry (you), then finish with call+cry. That could work. There are also possibilities to play on call/recall perhaps.
Overall, the line layout with the single words broken out is a distraction. I don’t get its message.
A fine poem, though. It’s economy invokes the personality of the narrator : stoic, but wistful at the same time. Like you, maybe? Thanks for sharing it anyhow.
You are pretty good, on the evidence of this and Cauld Kail, and seemingly mature in style and judgement. And you seem to know me. Do I perhaps know you, maybe as another persona?
(I could post a slightly-altered version of the poem based on these points, if you want to go that far)

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well - you surprise me by the power you bring to bear - a
good analytical mind - if I'd had a mind like that I'd have
got a PhD and become a beachcomber on Vancouver Island knowing
that I could do anything - however the matrix has long set and
subjectivity rules me || call as in 'call back' - 'cry' would
ring too loud - 'sleeping' : she died in my arms : you are
correct - nothing to do with kittiwakes - 'superfluous' : I
suppose so : she had gone - there was no one there but 'my'
and 'me' - and 'yet' is like a tack - 'still' she was still -
'words broken out' - simple typograhical device to break :
probably idiosyncratic - the poem is part of a suite - I like
what you have to say - you seem untramelled - confident that I
won't bite - but I may be mistaken about you - which of course
has nothing to do with your crit - trying to close distance
which email is perfect at doing - I suppose this conversation
occupies public domain - & what's a cliche : it wears until it
stands eventually like a stone : intransigent - are we on
camera like in the public domain - thanks for disturbing my quiet
& should I close my ears and row safely by - cheers - langsandy

Hi Lang Sandy This is a sad but beautiful poem. It is a wonderful tribute which I thoroughly enjoyed reading. It leaves an echo in the heart. Thankyou for writing & sharing this poem with me Best wishes Sibford x

Yeah, sorry if that was too intrusive, landsandy.

That's why I asked if crit was OK first. Criticism is what we're supposed to be about here, in the Alternative Writing Workshop, but I don't give it all that often, only when the quality of the writing seems to demand it.

I suppose I am confident technically, and I'm sometimes too susceptible to the familiarity of the medium. But I wouldn't presume to suggest how anyone should grieve, so let's leave it there.

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I invited you in - I'm grateful you crossed the threshold
- don't feel sorry for a moment - hope to hear from you again
cheers - Langsandy [aberdonese for the Gray Heron]

ps : are these conversations splashed across the board?

dr Sib

I had the line : For christ's sake, for christ's sake
in my head 25 years and could never use it and then there
it was when I needed it - the lc 'c' so obviously deliberate,
is to remind myself of His humanity - thanks - Langsandy