h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Mewtwo] }Sorry. Before our time.{

[Vekura] {But we do know what Designer People are.}

[YK] I know. And most people didn't even hear about it. But Rethlin and I had, and he was instrumental in stopping it, in fact. But anyway, this involved doing something very silly: capturing a Designer Person.

[YC] That doesn't sound very good...

[YK] It's not. And he got it into his head to make his /own/ Designer Person. So, using a personality template taken from me, he made a female Designer Person. He named her Elizabeth.

[Nerfal] I can see where this is going.

[YK] No you can't. The problem was, he was trying to use a male personality in a female body with female emotions and all that. This led to disaster. [closes eyes]

I have a vague idea where this story could possibly be going. But I'm still unsure as to what this has to do with the rest of us being here, although I've got a funny feeling. Something in the back of my mind.

[YK] Since I don't have your mind, and the Jedi code forbids me to just barge into your mind and take whatever I want, I won't try to go there.

[YC] Well why did you call us all here?

[YK] Later. Anyway, Elizabeth had blue hair, red eyes. I asked Rethlin why he gave her blue twice. He never really answered. And now it's too late. [sigh] Elizabeth caused lots of disasters. She would start avalanches, hack into top-secret databases, break down walls in the house, just to see whether or not she could. I didn't know until it was too late that there was actual malice in her actions until it was too late: I could not sense her emotions through the Force.

[YQ] That's bad.

[YK] Rethlin decided he would surpass his previous accomplishment. He reverse-engineered a Designer Person's brain, replaced the personality with more or less mine, used the body functions from Eomando's brain -- Sorry for understating the amount I'd borrow, E -- and generally made better programming. He then set out to create an artificial human brain.

[YC] Did he succeed?

[YK] No. He gave up and used a Bambleweeny 75 sub-meson brain. But he managed to get halfway through his second creation's body when Elizabeth ran in, brandishing a Chefinator.

*Kicks himself for mass producing that particular weapon*

[Vekura] {And what the hell is that??}

[Mewtwo] }Calm down.{ [to others] }She's annoyed that we were brought all the way out here when the twins are so near due...{

[YK] It's a weapon my clones came up with. It has settings like, "Deep Fat Fry" and "Medium-Rare" and all that stuff. Anyway, Elizabeth demanded that Rethlin destroy his new creation, or she would kill me. I stated my opinion of this by arming my lightsaber. She expressed her point of view on this by shooting me. I deflected the blast, which hit her and turned out to be set to "raw", the equivalent to "stun". We then had her encased in carbonite and I wrapped her up in a nice, neat package and sent it to Twinkle, a member of Pokémon League, with instructions not to open it.

[YC] So when's Professor Rethlin gonna get here?

[YK] He's not. The bit about "Young Zaphod Plays it Safe" and lobster was just a cover story. Rethlin was trying to make a carbonated milkshake using nitroglycerine, and the stuff turned on 'im, taking the Northern house with it.

[YQ] Wondered what happened to that.

Oh, fiddle-dee-dee, YK! What has this to do with us?


Sorry, it just felt like the right thing to say. But in all seriousness, YK, what happened that involves all of us? Did the nyrto unfreeze this psycho, or something?

*The beeper in Affy's pocket goes off.*

[YK] Well, Elizabeth is still frozen. The reason I called you here was because ...

[The mirror ripples. Through it stepps a young woman, about YK's age wearing a suit similar to that of Deanna Troi in seasons 2-5 of Star Trek: TNG, except that it is blue. Here eyes are a similar shade of blue, and her hair is an altogether different shade of red]

[YK] [gestures at the girl] ... Mackenzie told me to.

[Mackenzie] Yes, and before you ask, yes I am artificial.

I see.
Wait, no I don't.

[Mewtwo telepathically "clears his throat"]

[Mewtwo] }Er, could you clarify that?{

I can clarify. She said that she's artificial. Genetical engineering. An AI android made of flesh and blood. Or else an AI android made of very, very realistic looking materials. The kind of thing that the Krylma Leader used to do in his spare time. Speaking of which, YK, you're wanted at a CHOPPERS meeting in another forum, as are you, Mewtwo. But let's stick to the situation at hand. Why has she asked you to ask us to come here?

[Mackenzie] I suppose it's because I wanted to do something silly like this. I don't really know.

[YK] Well, [to the guests] you're diverse enough to spread the word and save me the trouble of explaining what the hell she's doing here. And I've been wanting to do something like this.

[Mewtwo] }Something like what? Bringing a bunch of H2G2 friends together?{

[Vekura] {Forming some sort of secret society?}

[Mewtwo] }Dragging us through the snow on speeders?{

[Vekura] {We didn't waste time with speeders.}

[Mewtwo] }Which reminds me. How did everyone else get here? I'm assuming they used speeders, but still...{

I flew on a space ship, all the while talking to myself. Then I bought a hunk of junk that the salesdroid claimed to be a speeder.

[YK] Um. Here, have 500 credits. [gives Affy five 100-credit chips]

[Mewtwo] }That's generous. And you didn't answer my question.{

[YK] I don't know why we called you all here, actually. I just sort of, on impulse, made several days' worth of preparation...

[Mackenzie] That contradicts itself.

[YK] I /know/, but that's me. You know that better than anyone here.

[Mewtwo] }Sounds kinda like you.{