h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Christ! your cat sounds nicer than my wife.

Well, do you make sure that your wife is fed regurlary and that her litter box has been changed? That could be the problem.

Look, I'll be nicer to her when she stops scratching the furniture and staying out all night

Actually, cats do have another purpose - to enter the gardens of people who hate cats with a passion (oh yes, I'd forgotten to add that on my homepage), dig up plants, leave vile smelling crap, and worry innocent pets. If people allowed their dogs to go around like that (unfortunately some anti-social b*****ds do) there'd be hell to pay.

Cat lovers always say that a cat is a different type of pet, one you can't control. A free spirit.

Well, not if I catch it in my garden it won't be

My cat is called Monty and has the power of teleportation. Only today I left him sleeping (on the sofa naturally) in my first floor flat to peg my washing out in the garden. No more than 2 minutes later he ran past me at high speeds - the point being who let him out?

I don't have a catflap and if he'd jumped out the window he'd have hurtled past me vertically before transmogrifying into raspberry jam.

So you see that's the beauty of cats - there is no point - just eternal paranoia.

...particularly if you own rabbits