h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

And would the saying have to be " A Camel never changes it's humps"??
Also unless it was a friendly leapord they found they would be eaten before they could name it so it would probably be called a " lookatthatprettycatlikeaaaaaarrrrrgggghhh"

And would you have to try and thread a leopard,or a giraffe,through the eye of a needle?

It's easier for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven than it is for a camel.
Or something.

My other thought is a Ferrari.

Yes...but they don't actually specify whether it's a dromedary or a bactrian!!..or it could have been lost in the translation.like most of the bible !

Why are you people so worried about the end of the world? Isn't there some theory that it will be replaced by something even more befuddling? That ought to at least keep us speculators busy for a while. And anyway, what did Ford and Arthur do when the Vogons destroyed Earth? They hitched their way off the planet! And the second time (Was it the second? Darned multiple universes!) they just sat in some night club (I believe it was called Beta) and resigned themselves to fate. Fate's a weird thing, but there's another kettle of fish. Why would anyone put fish in a kettle anyway?

It's hard to tell, Shazz. Maybe it's because of all them logs in our eyes.
Or something.

Or the fact that they are glued together!!

Yes, it's hard for me to tear my eyes from those luminous pools of bejewelled moonlight.
When it comes to the bible, my eyes are usually glued shut.
It's been proved by computer analysis that each chapter was written by many different people, piecemeal. I suppose the devil arranged this to test our faith, like he did with geology and dinosaurs.

And which bejewelled pools are those?
Considering that the bible was supposed to be written by many people
at different times there certainly seems to have been an awful lot of collusion!!

The ones in the mirror, of course!

Just to interject concerning the Bible and the degree to which it's all a load of bollocks - there's another thread somewhere that mentions a nutter that hangs around Edinburgh uni library that tries to line up evolution and big bang theory with what the bible says, claiming that what it means by "seven days" is the same as "over many millennia and then some". What would this bloke's view be on the "Mary had a kid without being shagged beforehand" thing? Surely to have a kid without sex is to spurn the Creation of Adam (with a knob) and Eve (with a womb) and thus is an affront to God, who doesn't exist anyway?
There was a thing on the news yesterday stating that a survey of young Scots had found that youngsters view Christians as either being wierd or stupid, apparently resultant from their portrayal on the television. Hmm.

Christian Heaven? Too many guitars and bad wooly jumpers.

Give me a nice roasting in the pits of hell any day.

Sure would save on the heating bills!

Hey, why does everyone assume heaven's full of hippies. Like the man in the shack said, heaven's ,full of capitalist swines. Why do you think the christian american government shot John lennon? (or was that che guevara, or maybe martin luther king? or galileo? or obi wan kenobi?) hippies follow the camels (like you're supposed to, in the desert, because they know where the water is) to the real paradise, which is a place where there's a big beach party every night, and nobody farms, they eat food from the shack/bar, mangoes and stuff, which the man in the shack, who's a barman, magics out of nowhere, and all the great musicians of the past are jamming (Jimi Hendrix and Jaco Pastorius, now that would be something).

That's what satanists say hell is like. so where does all the heavy metal, and statues of demons, and taking loads of drugs, and Marylin Manson, and generally being wierd come into it? hmm. Let's all watch some more of theose ricki Springer, opr whatever, wher the Mansonites get battered by a whole bunch of crips.

We are like someone immersed in water, who claims of nothing to drink
-Hsueh Feng.

By the way, i'm not sure whether jesus really was a religious nutter, i'd like to think that he was a revolutionary, who was really deep, and friendly, and generally a really groovy guy, who went around saying to evberyone, 'hey, let's all be relaxed and groovy', and the romans said 'oh no, relaxed and groovy? no no no,', and so they murdered him, and kids eat chocolate eggs at easter, because the colour of the chocolate, and the colour of the wood on the cross...well you tell me!!
(i think everyone should listen to Eddie Izzard, instead of judging him by the makeup that he doesn't wear when he goes on TFI Friday,)
And that four hundred years later, some guys said, hey, let's write a book, and make everybody believe it, by saying (well if there wasn't a god, how could there be flowers, and trees, and stuff?) and we can kill that galileo bastard, he'll ruin our plans, and make them all build big buildings, to read the book in, but make up a language to write it in, so we can make changes, if they start asking questions like 'if i get my arm cut off, will i meet it in heaven?' and make them all give us money, and be really rich and stuff,
but all that stuff about his mate going off and being the pope, and starting up christianity, etc. makes me think, well maybe he really was saying, hey, let's all be relaxed and groovy, and hey, if you're really good, and do exactl;y as you're told, and everyuthing, when yu die after your life of toil and obedience, you'll have all the chopcolate in the world, and - well, i'm dead now, but you can give all your money to my friends in the white collars who can read that book,
but that wouldn't make sense, would it? maybe i should go back in time and hang out with jesus, and get the full story.
I get the impression that cristianity was supposed to be saying ' look at what my mate who these bastards killed was saying, yeah, let's all make love to our neighbours wives (hey, pete, is that a typo?) and be groovy,
but nowadays, and, in fact, sine the medieval times, it seems to be like my mate Karl says, the opiate of the masses. Nobody in america, the most christian nation in the world, seems very groovy to me (except this girl in my school, Sarah, who i'm going to marry one day, but she lives in london, so something must have rubbed off) they all seem greedy, and small minded (belgium? is that near canada?) and like to go aroound hating communists because they're told to, and slaughtering thousands of vietnamese to scare the russians that they've already crippled financially. hmm, something's afoot. i really need to meet this jesus guy. Maybe he's on that beach, hanging out.

there's apparently another guy in edinburgh library, (they tend to do a lot of boring shit, those guys) who worked out all the dates, and 'he spent forty days and forty nights..' in the bible, and worked out that the world began on Tuesday march the 17th, 4004 B.C, at nine o'clock in the morning. That's funny, if i was god, i'd make the world at night time, so it was all ready for adam and eve as they woke up, at sunrise. And who would start it on a tuesday. Everyone knows Wednesday's the best day of the week.

Thought for the day: Though the bamboo forest is dense, water flows through it freely.
-Zen saying.

Fox hunting: The unspeakable in pursuit of the inedible.
Oscar Wilde.

Ok, this is getting a bit too long, and i'm a bit rat arse. Maybe i'll print it off, and compile it into a guide entry on christianity. Maybe it'll get denied for being too offensive. What d'you think, Mark Moxon? (somebody tell him i said that, please, i can't be bothered to find his site, i'm pissed.)

I'm gonna find out if fennie the gorgeous wonderful; fishmonger has made my shark yet.

Byeee! bugsy.

p.s. i bet the first person to reply to this outpour of beauty and insight and depth will be an adolescent white american male, and i bet he'll like forty seven.

Obelisks.
I thought Satan was the revolutionary.
And wasn't Jesus's dad Joseph the most understanding man ever.
Which would make Mary the most manipulative woman.
I mean 2000 years of wars, building huge monuments, illustrating rather large letters in books, etc. all based on one poor Nazarene woman's cover story for a secret shag she had nine months before some strange and convenient phenomenon in the sky.


TWF - 31 year old White British Male who feels ambivalent about prime numbers.

P.S. I think I'll go and get pissed now too.

You all started the party a bit early tonight And thats a bit harsh on Mary...she didn't remember a thing about the party on March 25th.....maybe she'd found those 1000 mushrooms that someone left lying around on another h2g2 forum!!

Wrong Mary. Mary and Crystaltips had em.