h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have the distinguished honour of being the worst cook in Australia. Not because what I cook is inedible, it's usually pretty good. It's just that I have set three kitchens on fire.
New mental notes to self.
*Turn off grill even if there is one kebab left in there that you want to keep warm.
*Plain flour is not a suitable substitute for rice flour when making fried Icrecream
*Avoid grills they keep bursting into flame.
*Just stay out of the kitchen, it's safer...
And by the way. Using industrial fire extinguishers in a house is NOT a good idea. And not all fire blankets are inflamible.

do you come with your own warning



and possibly live close to the firebrigade


andy

hint for the day---move the kitchen outside and call it a barbeque..

gazza p

just one more that you might like to avoid ...
*In the almost inevitable event of your toast bursting into flame while lodged in the electric toaster, do NOT under any circumstances fling your cup of coffee over in it in an attempt to extinguish - fluids and electricity don't seem to mix very well. Well not in my experience at any rate ... ;o)

i take it you have now got a frizzy perm


gazza p

and they told me it looked good ... I had the impression I was being mocked ...

the poodle look is coming back

andy

nobody said it didnt suit you now did they



gazza p

Another good trick to get around the problem of burning toast jammed in your toaster is to try and un-jam it by poking around inside with a stainless steel knife. And to create even more spectacuar entertainment this action can be combined with throwing the contents of your coffee cup into the machine.

thats just being nasty you know the coffee will rust the toaster..


gazza p

another tip:

If the oven has been on for10 minutes without being lit *don't* press the ignition button and have half your hair burnt off by the subsequant fire ball...and definately don't do it when you've got guests round who will realise instantly how foolish you are.

Just make sure you hold onto the knife while doing it to achieve the complete effect.
Liz

Oooh! This thread reminds me of a story! Quite a few years ago, I went out of town to visit some relatives with my parents for a few days, and my brother stayed home. Thank God he didn't use the oven while we were gone, as someone had tried to cook garlic bread in the broiler in the bottom of the oven before we left, and had forgotten it was there. When we got home, my mom turned on the oven and within 15 minutes, the kitchen was filled with smoke. When we opened the broiler, several small charred remnants of garlic bread were engulfed in flames! Thankfully, we were able to extinguish the fire quickly without any real damage to the oven or the kitchen.

Cheers!
Raindawn

By the way, inflammable means something can be burnt.

Last year, when I was staying in a house, I managed to leave a saucepan with oil in on the hob (intending to throw some onions and beef in) whilst I got distracted, I forget how. Anyway, the oil combusted and, quick-witted as ever, I immediately grabbed the pan, removing it from the heat and then stood there staring at it thinking, "What do I do now." Fortunately one of the people who lived there saw me and opened the back door, so I could put the pan down outside.

Inflammable is a word used to great comic effect by my ex games mistress. She couldn't bear to be wrong, about anything. Once when found lacking in the intellect department, I forget why, she brushed her critic aside saying "oh so I got it wrong. well noone's inflammable you know??!" I think she meant infallible. t'was brillig.

ps apologies for the otd

You're all so wonderful, thank you, thank you, I don't feel like the ONLY complete prat in the world now...
Talking of coffee cups and things completely unrelated.
A friend was in bed one day and had started a cup of coffee before nodding off to sleep. The phone which was beside her bed rang, so she answered.... the half filled coffee cup.... drenched in cold coffee her kids saw her saying ... "Hello, hello... why's the phone still ringing? Oh (insert fav bad word here)"

This reminds me of a couple of Christmas-related disasters...

The first year we were married, my wife & I decided to spend it by ourselves in our flat, instead of going to one or other family... but disorganised as we were, we went looking for a chicken or turkey on Christmas Eve and ended up with... chicken nuggets... along with all the trimmings - sprouts, stuffing etc... Very tasty! (Every Christmas since has been spent with family - and we don't provide the turkey!)

But the biggie was when we decided to invite all the members of our church praise band for a Christmas dinner a couple of weeks before Christmas (a few years after the nuggets). This time we would do it properly - turkey covered with strips of bacon, roast potatoes, etc etc etc.

We used our gas oven to roast the turkey, surrounded by the potatoes brushed with oil and left it to it. The roasting tray was a little small and so there was not much room between the turkey & the potatoes. All else was just about ready, our friends (including the family of the 11-year-old drummer, and our sound man - 9 or 10 of us in all) were just arriving and... an odd smell was coming from the kitchen. Panic - big clouds of black greasy smoke belching from the back of the oven. Further investigation showed that the lack of room in the baking tray meant that as the grease began to flow, it quickly overflowed from the tray down to the gas flame, where it ignited....

All the potatoes were now a blackish grey, as was the turkey.

But hey, we washed (but mostly sliced) off the outsides of the tatties so that they were the right colour again. We peeled off the bacon and the skin of the turkey. Our combination microwave came to the rescue to finish baking them, and dinner was only a little late! (and we only told everyone what had happened after they'd eaten it!)

What's more, we even safely lit the brandy on the Christmas pudding!

Memories... you can't beat 'em.

rooftiler