h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

1.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was 'Sir Cumference.' He acquired his size

from too much pi.

2.
I thought I saw an eye-doctor

on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be

an optical Aleutian.

3.
She was only a whisky-maker,

but he loved her still.

4.
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated

from an algebra class, because it was

a weapon of math disruption.

5.
No matter how much you push

the envelope,

it'll still be stationery.
6.
A dog gave birth to puppies

near the road
and was cited for littering.

7.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen

in France would result in

Linoleum Blown-apart.

8.
Two silk worms had a race.

They ended up in a tie.

9.
A hole has been found

in the nudist-camp wall.
The Police are looking into it.

10.
Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

11.
Atheism is

a non-prophet organization.
12.
Two hats were hanging on a rack.

One hat said to the other:

'You stay here; I'll go on a-head.'

13.
I wondered why the baseball

kept getting bigger.

Then it hit me.

14.
A sign on the lawn

at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'

15.
The midget fortune-teller

who escaped from prison

was a small medium at large.

16.
The soldier who survived

mustard gas and pepper spray

is now a seasoned veteran.

17.
A backward poet writes inverse.

18.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19.
When cannibals ate a missionary,

they got a taste of religion.

20.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris,

you'd be in Seine.

21.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons

boards an airplane.

The stewardess looks at him and says,
'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion

allowed per passenger.'

22.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'


23.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly;

they lit a fire in the craft.

It sank, proving --
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says,

'I've lost my electron.'

The other says, 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25.
Did you hear about the Buddhist

who refused Novocain during a root-canal?

His goal: 'transcend dental medication.'

26.
There was the person who sent ten puns

to friends with the hope at least

one would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

My friend told me that noses run in his family. I said really? Legs run in mine

From @TheTweetofGod today which echoes #11: "Atheists are popeless romantics.

Bwahahahahaha.

well done that person