h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

These aren't new, but they're so cute I decided to give them another airing.

Once again, The Washington Post has published the
winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest,
in which readers are asked to supply alternate
meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight
you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a
flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while
drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which
you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.


7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up
after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing
adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his
conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand):
The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto
the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer
shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked
readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it
by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and
supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid
people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The
bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (n): Any misrepresentation about yourself
for the purpose of getting laid.
3. C ashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an
indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very
high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of
sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when
you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one
got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): it's like, when everybody is
sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And
then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.

10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting
through the day consuming only things that are good
for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas
to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance
performed just after you've accidentally walked
through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito
that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning
and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding
half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an
asshole.

Elektra's doing that kind of laugh which means, 'These are really funny and I may need medical attention soon.'

Thanks for sharing them.

We loved the Beelzebug one. Isn't it nice that our neighbours have laboured to produce these gems for all to enjoy?

*has spit tea on her keyboard*

Regarding the Caterpallor, there's an old joke:

'What's worse than finding a maggot in an apple you are eating?'

'Half a maggot'

I am flabbergasted, and I abdicate. And I inoculatte permanently.

Ha sent them on to Pierce the Pirate ... wo helped me with the puns for the educated. In that area he is a .

Yup, they're brilliant and sure deserved the airing

Reminded me of this list of new words from a few years back - for the workplace and elsewhere, I think it was named (sorry for t

1. Blamestorming
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. Seagull manager
A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. Assmosis
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. Salmon day
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. Cube farm
An office filled with cubicles.

6. Prairie dogging
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. Mouse potato
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. Sitcoms
Single income, two children, oppressive mortgage. What yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. Stress puppy
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. Swipeout
An atm or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. Xerox subsidy
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12. Irritainment
Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

13. Percussive maintenance
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. Adminisphere
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404
Someone who's clueless. From the world wide web error message "404 not found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. Generica
Features of the american landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. Ohnosecond
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've justmade a big mistake. (like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

*remembers the times when such jokes were shared and spread by fax*

Such as this one about positive thinnking:
http://data.s-info.se/data_page/1500/images/foten_i_klam.gif

'Foot caught in door?'

'Absolutely!'

...or some such, any Scandinavian friends are welcome to do a better translation...

#13, we used to call that "impact engineering".

That sort of approach is why over here we call a hammer 'an Irish screwdriver'.

Malamanteau - "A neologism for a portmanteau created by combining a malapropism with a neologism...."

from today's XKCD (with a dig at wikipedia. Move cursor over image for more.) http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/malamanteau.png

I've always loved this kind of wordplay. Uxbridge English Dictinary is by far my favourite round in I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue http://en.wikipedia.org

I'll always remember this, from a spoof Southern dictionary:
Etlenna: A city in Georgia burned to the ground by General Sherman
Hale: Where General Sherman is going for what he did to Etlenna

Oops That was supposed to be this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_games_on_I%27m_Sorry_I_Haven%27t_a_Clue#Uxbridge_English_Dictionary_.28formerly_New_Definitions.29

I like the Southern ones.

We have a lot of these: http://www.gagirl.com/southern/south.html