h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This has been making the rounds for awhile. I got it again this morning and decided to share it on the unlikely chaNce that some of you haven't seen it yet.


Some time this year, we taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting new program. I will explain it using the Q and A format:


Q.
What is an Economic Stimulus payment?



A.
It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.



Q.
Where will the government get this money?



A.
From taxpayers.



Q.
So the government is
giving me back my own money?



A.
Only a smidgen.



Q.
What is the purpose of this payment?



A.
The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.



Q.
But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?


A.
Shut up.



Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:


If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to
China.

If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.

If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras
and Guatemala.

If you buy a car, it will go to Japan.

If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to
management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, or going to ball games, or spending it on prostitutes, or beer or tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US.)

That explains it brilliantly. Thankyou for illuminating us.

I haven't heard about direct stimulus payments but I do remember a previous president "giving back" taxpayer money with $300/$600 tax rebate checks.

I think it started going around when there were rumors of a second stimulus package shortly after Obama was inagurated. Course what happened was that we got a payroll tax cut, not a lump sum payment like under Dubya. Least I got a payroll tax cut. Not sure what anyone else got.

A few thousand miles don´t seem to make a stupid idea any better. Over here you can get a huge cash bonus for putting your perfectly running car into the cruncher. Take that bonus, add a bank loan you can´t really afford and buy a Japanese car - THAT´s how to boost German economy. I don´t know what these ijits are smoking, but I´d sure like to have some.

Ta Da! I approve



RJR

My payroll tax cut amounts to about $50 a month. It started several months ago. So, in keeping with the spirit of the joke e-mail, I'm spending what I've gotten so far on a ball game in St. Louis next week.

Pit, that sounds like our Cash for Clunkers program. It was supposed to last through November, but has already been canceled because the feds ran out of cash before the consumers ran out of clunkers.

Hyp dear - make sure the popcorn sold there is not made of rice, willya?

I think we still grow real popcorn in the US. Can't be too sure, though. I'll ask the vendor if it's American popcorn, peanuts and hot dogs. Not that IO can have a hot dog at the ballpark any more. Stupid yeast allergy and wheat sensitivity combine to make any bread product verboten.

I get an extra 25 dollah on my weekly unemployment insurance from stimulus monies. Which is canceled out by federal tax. Did you know that unemployment insurance is taxed? The feds give the state money to pay UI, and then take some of it back at the individual level. Makes perfect sense.

...but no sports allergy as of yet - you´re still allowed to watch the game?

Lil - although I´m not member of any organized religion, German guvmint pays church tax (yes, we have that)from the few € I could put to better use.

"Did you know that unemployment insurance is taxed? "

Yea. And once you start receiving Social Security if you still earn a paycheck you will continue to be taxed even though your Social Security payments were based on what you put into it BEFORE you started receiving from it. You will never see any benefit from the taxes you continue to put into the system.

That stinks, Lil. I didn't know you had to pay taxes on UI. Good grief.

Pit, I can still watch the game. And eat the popcorn and peanuts. Can't drink the beer or have the hot dogs, though. I plan to enjoy every minute of it. The ballpark is a 5 hour drive from here, so I don't get to go very often.

Theoretically, if you still pay into the system, your SS benefits go up. But like CZ says, it never seems to happen.

Someone bless America and your gasoline price...a five hours´ drive is akin to a yearly holiday. 1 US gal. ~ US$6 over here.

Not according to the old codger who told me about it. He retired from NASA and moved up to the lake in East Texas and wanted to get a job as a Walmart greeter just to pay for bait and beer. He was very irate that the were continuing to take his money but he'd never see an extra dime since his payments were already determined. He might have been mistaken but I don't think he was.

When F retired I went with him to SS to fill out the forms. He was planning to still work part time. I specifically remember the woman telling him that as he continured to pay into the fund, his benefits would go up. And he did get an increase every year, but it was just the COLA.

This morning, a gallon of gasoline in WC is $2.29.9. And yes, compared to most of the world, that's pretty inexpensive.

Oh, I just read that there will be no COLA this year or next and because of an increase in the medicare prescription drug program premiums (which are deducted from SS checks) many seniors will see smaller checks. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32528090/ns/politics-more_politics/