h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

When talking of power in the cockroach community, I think it is worth mention that in Texas there exists a special type of roach. Often referred to as the Texas Bird Roach. Its evolutionary trajectory is significantly apart from the common scavenging roach.

The Texas Bird Roach is recognisable for:
*one inch to two inch length
*wings that span nearly twice its body length
*sharp teeth

This roach will do things that common house roaches do not do. For one, bird roaches fly. In moments of panic they take to the air. Second, bird roaches grind their way through plastic bags and boxes to feed. No loaf of bread or box of cereal is safe.

Also, the Texas Bird Roach is equally at home in nature as in the bathtub or sink. As a result, they are not confined to any single domestic environment. They roam. It is not uncommon to find them in bed with you at night, crawling on your face. However, the destination was probably not your face but the outside flowerbed. You just got in the way.

I have experienced this on many occasions. They clearly occupy a level of the animal kingdom that I am not on. We coexist, the Texas Bird Roach and I. Sure, there is a little competition, but for the mostpart I no more want to kill one than clean up the innards that spatter.

Were I to take offence at one of their habits, I fear I would slide down a slope of hate. Protesting the occasional passing of a Texas Bird Roach over my face at night would lead to fear of the occurrence repeating. Then I would have to stop sleeping on the floor and buy a bed. And then who won? Me now that I am several hundred dollars poorer or the Texas Bird Roach who made me spend the money?

If I started killing Texas Bird Roaches because one of them was chewing on my toothbrush in the bathroom again, would that be fair to the others who met their doom while hanging out on the window sill in the shower?

I think we need to abandon the cold war mentality that characterizes the cockroach as a craven consumer of our fear and let them live. I think we should get on with our lives.

Obviously this was written by one such Bird Roach. This Roach / Human cold war will last forever. If the roaches would learn to stay out of my dwelling, I would learn to not kill them. I can say that any roach I have ever seen that was *NOT* in my house (or the house of a friend), I have not killed, but let be.

Being from Louisiana, it is perfectly legal to kill an intruder if harm is believed. My actions will stand up in court.

The Texas Bird has an equally deadly, menacing, and creepy relative in Florida known as the Palmetto Bug. These deviants from evolution and aesthetics are quite big and they fly. They do bite, too. And they can get into anything. Chew thair way through ice if they have to. Face it. These guys could beat us. If they decided they wanted to exterminate people, it would be easy for them.

Cockroaches were evidently designed by someone with a very sick sense of humour. I would be quite happy to let them exist if only they would take the care to do so where I would never see them, ever. No, actually, scrap that, I would kill them all if I could only find out where that place was. Christian love does not extend to cockroaches, their very disgustingness is a tribute to that fact.



- Jordan