h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, July 30, 2003.
You live next door to a clean-cut, quiet guy. He never
plays loud music or throws raucous parties. He doesn't
gossip over the fence, just smiles politely and offers
you some tomatoes. His lawn is cared-for, his house
is neat as a pin and you get the feeling he doesn't
always lock his front door. He wears Dockers. You
hardly know he's there.


And then one day you discover that he has pot in his basement, spends
his weekends at peace marches and that guy you've seen mowing the yard
is his spouse.


Allow me to introduce Canada.


The Canadians are so quiet that you may have forgotten they're up
there, but they've been busy doing some surprising things. It's like
discovering that the mice you are dimly aware of in your attic have
been building an espresso machine.


Did you realize, for example, that our reliable little tag-along
brother never joined the Coalition of the Willing? Canada wasn't
willing, as it turns out, to join the fun in Iraq. I can only assume
American diner menus weren't angrily changed to include "freedom
bacon," because nobody here eats the stuff anyway.


And then there's the wild drug situation: Canadian
doctors are authorized to dispense medical marijuana. Parliament is
considering legislation that would not exactly legalize marijuana
possession, as you may have heard, but would reduce the penalty for
possession of under 15 grams to a fine, like a
speeding ticket. This is to allow law enforcement to
concentrate resources on traffickers; if your garden
is full of wasps, it's smarter to go for the nest
rather than trying to swat every individual bug. Or,
in the United States, bong.


Now, here's the part that I, as an American, can't understand. These
poor benighted pinkos are doing everything wrong. They have a drug
problem: Marijuana offenses have doubled since 1991. And Canada
has strict gun control laws, which means that the
criminals must all be heavily armed, the law-abiding
civilians helpless and the government on the verge of
a massive confiscation campaign. (The laws have been in
place since the ' 70s, but I'm sure the government
will get around to the confiscation eventually.) They
don't even have a death penalty!


And yet ... nationally, overall crime in Canada has
been declining since 1991. Violent crimes fell 13
percent in 2002. Of course, there are still crimes
committed with guns -- brought in from the United
States, which has become the major illegal weapons
supplier for all of North America -- but my theory is
that the surge in pot-smoking has rendered most
criminals too relaxed to commit violent crimes.
They're probably more focused on shoplifting boxes of
Ho-Hos from convenience stores.


And then there's the most reckless move of all: Just
last month, Canada decided to allow and recognize
same-sex marriages. Merciful moose, what can they be thinking? Will
there be married Mounties (they always get their man!)? Dudley
Do-Right was sweet on Nell, not Mel! We must be the only ones who
really care about families. Not enough to make sure they all
have health insurance, of course, but more than those
libertines up north.


This sort of behavior is a clear and present danger to
all our stereotypes about Canada. It's supposed to be
a cold, wholesome country of polite, beer-drinking
hockey players, not founded by freedom-fighters in a
bloody revolution but quietly assembled by loyalists
and royalists more interested in order and good
government than liberty and independence.


But if we are the rugged individualists, why do we
spend so much of our time trying to get everyone to
march in lockstep? And if Canadians are so reserved
and moderate, why are they so progressive about
letting people do what they want to?


Canadians are, as a nation, less religious than we
are, according to polls. As a result, Canada's
government isn't influenced by large, well-organized religious groups
and thus has more in common with those of Scandinavia than those of
the United States, or, say, Iran. Canada signed the Kyoto global
warming treaty, lets 19-year-olds drink, has more of its
population living in urban areas and accepts more
immigrants per capita than the United States.


These are all things we've been told will wreck our
society. But I guess Canadians are different, because
theirs seems oddly sound.


Like teenagers, we fiercely idolize individual freedom
but really demand that everyone be the same. But the Canadians seem
more adult - - more secure. They aren't afraid of foreigners. They
aren't afraid of homosexuality. Most of all, they're not afraid of
each other.


I wonder if America will ever be that cool.




pedboy® (ACE)(E.A.T.S)(P.U.D.D.I.N.G)(MOSV)

YAY Canada!
It seems they have always been a bit more cleaner, honest and open to individualism.

I remember in the 60's the US was a wastebasket along the highways.
Canadians were disgusted. We cleaned up our litter problem because of their complaints.
I like having them for neighbors.

Canadians are pointing out the trash their neighbors have now too.
I hope they never stop
Canada has been a great neighbor.

Someone once said that whilst the US is a melting pot, Canada is a mosaic. Americans want everyone who lives in their country to be American and a desire for conformity seems to stem from that. Canadians like everyone to be Canadian but not to forget the culture they have come from if they immigrated. The practice of accepting differences between people is a part of that.
It would also account for the fact that my Welsh cakes go down a storm here.
Generally the US seems to be a more religious country and religions are almost always opposed to change. The Vatican taking over 300 years to admit that Galileo was right is a good example.
One thought to leave you with....
During the Klondike gold rush Skagway, Alaska was one of the most lawless towns in North America. Dawson, YT had very little crime, as did the whole trail in Canada. Dan McGrew may have been able to get himself shot in Alaska, never in Yukon, in spite of Robert Service.

Thank You, YW. History seems to be repeating itself...




pedboy® (ACE) (E.A.T.S) (P.U.D.D.I.N.G) (MOSV)

Are 19 year olds really not allowed to drink alcohol in America?

It is depending on the area, here it is 19yrs old before legal. Some places it is as high as 21yrs.




pedboy®

Is that wise? Surely it leads young Americans to become blase about breaking the law? ('cos lets face it they're gonna drink anyway aen't they?)

Zactly, it just proves that not alot of brains are required to make laws...




pedboy®

You can say that again!